Wikipedia:Peer review/Rudolf Wanderone Jr./archive1

Rudolf Wanderone Jr.
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I have extensively revised and expanded it over the last few weeks and believe it may be GA-class or close. I wanted feedback on it before nominating it for GA status. Thanks, Otto4711 (talk) 18:16, 21 April 2008 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: I will review this Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 19:34, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

Nice, something I'm interested in, keep me in the loop! That's a start. The Rambling Man (talk) 19:39, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Comments from
 * Lead is four paragraphs. Look at WP:LEAD for advice here, it should be shorter and flow more naturally.
 * "Wanderone began began playing pool" - -began.
 * "at a very young age " - be more specific.
 * "atravelling" - space needed.
 * "Wanderone returned to Illinois and semi-retirement." - couldn't return to semi-retirement unless he'd been semi-retired before. And what does "semi-retired" mean?
 * "He was usually assigned 1913 as the year of his birth" - strange phrase. Why not "His year of birth was usually noted as..." or similar?
 * "his obituary in the New York Times indicated that he may have been born prior to this year, perhaps by more than a decade, though it was impossible for the paper to confirm." needs citation.
 * "received his first nickname." - which was?
 * A lot of short sentences makes the prose stilted and awkward reading.
 * "it was during this time that he picked up the nickname "New York Fats."" - why?
 * Novel link then film link without clarification.
 * "Mosconi stated that the character of Minnesota Fats was based on Wanderone." cite it.
 * "...Played," Wanderone's..." - comma in the wrong place.
 * Minnesota Fats section needs work on the prose to make it flow nicely and read properly.
 * Page ranges in the references need to use en-dash.
 * Thanks for the feedback. I have fixed a few things but to comment on some others:
 * "at a very young age " - be more specific. - I don't have a source for a specific age. My source says "child"; *"received his first nickname." - which was? it's mentioned and cited in the next sentence - "Double Smart"; "it was during this time that he picked up the nickname "New York Fats."" - why? I guess I don't understand this, it's just a fact that people called him that; Novel link then film link without clarification. I don't understand, one link is the the article for the novel and the other is to the article for the film; "Mosconi stated that the character of Minnesota Fats was based on Wanderone." cite it. the entire paragraph is cited to the same page of the Dyer book. Otto4711 (talk) 19:55, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Well you need to provide citation or reword. First nickname needs citation.  Fats should be explained.  You link to the book then the film but to the average reader it's the same.  Explain further.  Ok about the final para cite.  The Rambling Man (talk) 20:07, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: (after ec) I agree with the Rambling Man's comments and since they duplicate much of what i was going to write, here are the few things that were different. Here are my suggestions: Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 20:14, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
 * The New York Times obituary (published January 19, 1996) is quite detailed and would be a great source - also states he died on Jan 18. I would think most libraries in the US would have access to it.
 * You might also want to check Time, Newsweek, perhaps People for that time to see what they wrote about him when he died.
 * Wanderone and Mosconi came out of the gate with both barrels blazing in a one-on-one game of seven-ball, and Wanderone won the match. is POV and peacock language and needs a ref. See WP:NPOV and WP:PEACOCK
 * Norfolk, Virginia where Wanderone hustled the many servicepeople who were gathered there seems too politically correct - in WWII Norfolk bars, my guess is he hustled servicemen
 * All feedback is appreciated. Otto4711 (talk) 20:46, 24 April 2008 (UTC)