Wikipedia:Peer review/Sogen Kato/archive1

Sogen Kato
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because, several months after the story first came about, the article has featured on DYK and become a GA; now I think it is comprehensive enough to become an FA. Before I nominate it, I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions on how it could be improved.

Thanks in advance to all reviewers, wacky  wace  16:23, 14 May 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments': Thanks for an interesting if somewhat disturbiong article on a case I had not heard of before. While I like what is there, I think the article is not quite ready for FAC, so here are some suggestions for improvement.
 * My main problem with the article is that the title seems to imply it is a biography of Sogen Kato, but there is almost nothing on the man himself in the article. Since one of the FA criteria is comprehensiveness, I think this would be a problem at FAC.
 * One partial solution to the problem might be to rename the article so as to better indicate its content and focus. I wonder if calling the article something like "Death of Sogen Kato" would be a better title (and leave the current title as a redirect). As it now stands the article is lamost entirely about his death and the fate of his corpse and the reaction to the discovery that he had been dead for decades.
 * Even changing the title is not enough to fix the article entirely - as it now stands, the article starts in media res and I think it needs some background / introductory material to better provide context to the reader and be comprehensive.
 * Some of these issues could also be seen as not following WP:LEAD. The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. Nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself, but the fact that he was thought to be Tokyo's oldest man (until his mummy was discovered) is only in the lead.
 * So I would start with a paragraph or two on Sogen Kato's life. There are a few tidbits scattered through the article - his date of birth (though for some odd reason, this is often only in the lead in biography articles). The article also says that he was married and had children and grandchildren, and there is mention of a teacher's pension fund (so was hea teacher? or was his wife?). Even if there is little known about his life, say that.
 * I also found that there is often less information in the article than there is in the sources used as references. For example, the sources state that he was found lying in / on a bed, but the article does not say this.
 * The sources also give the date of the most recent newspaper found in his room (Nov. 5, 1978) while the article just says Newspapers that were found in the room dated back three decades to the Shōwa period, suggesting that Kato's death may have occurred around 1978. This same source says his wife was a teacher and gives more details about his family, including their ages and a son-in-law who lived in the house but is not mentioned in this article.
 * So I checked the first three refs and found something in each not in this article - the third says when Respect for the Elderly Day was that year (Sept.) and names two of the officials.
 * While I like the illustration, the caption is not great. "Location the body was found" is not a complete sentence (I would say "Bed where the body was found"). Also the telephone is not otherwise mentioned in the article and the implications of the rotary dial (not used for many years) are also not made clear.
 * I would make it clearer that becoming a Sokushinbutsu results in mummification if it is successfully done.
 * I would also make it clearer that it was done only by Buddhist monks and that it is no longer practiced by any Buddhists anywhere (and apparently has not been done for years) (at least according to the article on the practive here on Wikipedia)
 * The statement his family had never announced his death in an attempt to preserve his record. in the lead is not repeated in the article and did not appear in any of the refs I checked. It also seems a bit odd as he was only 79 when he is thought to have died.
 * The Aftermath section is generally well done but I would say the Globe and Mail (not "a Canadian newspaper reported")
 * Also would spell out one-third
 * He's already been identified as a doctor, so the MOS says not to call him "Dr. Aiba Miyoji" - also the article then refers to him as both Dr. Aiba and Dr. Miyoji - both can't be right.
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 16:37, 26 May 2011 (UTC)