Wikipedia:Peer review/South Jordan, Utah/archive1

South Jordan, Utah
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… User:Chzz made my day by suggesting I submit the article for peer review with the intent of moving it to good article status.

Thanks, Bgwhite (talk) 09:35, 23 March 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is broad in coverage, generally well-written, stable, and neutral. To achieve GA, it will need better sourcing, and it needs more images. When all the other changes are finished, the lead will need to be re-written. The article is interesting and is not all that far from GA, in my opinion, and I'd encourage you to keep working on it. It would be reasonable to aspire to improve this article to FA eventually. (You might look at FA articles at WP:FA to see how other editors have handled similar material).

I made quite a few minor proofing changes as I went. I'm sure I didn't catch everything, and I list several kinds of things below that need fixing but which I didn't fix. If you have a digital camera (or can borrow one), and live in or near South Jordan, you will have no trouble creating suitable images to add to the article. These would be best uploaded to the Commons.

Lead
 * The lead should be a summary of the whole article. If you imagine a reader who can read nothing but the lead, you'll have a good idea of what it needs to include. A good rule of thumb is to include at least a mention of each of the main text sections. WP:LEAD has details.


 * Done

Pre-European
 * Have archeologists found evidence of any earlier peoples?
 * "The changing climatic conditions, combined with ancestors to the Ute, Paiute, and Shoshoni pushing them out of the area, caused the Fremont people to disappear." - Wikilink Ute, Paiute, and Shoshoni on first use?
 * "When settlers arrived in South Jordan, the area bordered several tribes." - Were no tribes displaced by the newcomers?
 * Does any source give an estimate of the population sizes of the tribes?
 * What happened to the tribes after the settlers arrived?
 * "Jordan River north of Utah Lake" - Wikilink Jordan River and Utah Lake?
 * "Several homes along 1300 West which were built during this time can still be seen." - This sounds like original research as defined by WP:OR. Can you provide a source?


 * Done

Early Mormon settlement
 * The first paragraph of this subsection is unsourced even though it includes information that is not common knowledge. A good rule of thumb is to provide at least one source for every paragraph as well as a source for every set of statistics, every claim that has been challenged or is apt to be challenged, and every direct quote.
 * "In 1863, the South Jordan LDS Branch was organized as a branch of the West Jordan Ward, giving South Jordan its name." - You might add something here about the origin of the name "Jordan". Also, LDS should be spelled out as well as abbreviated on first use in the lead so that it makes sense simply abbreviated thereafter. Readers who live far from Utah may have no idea what LDS stands for or that this is not the original Jordan or why settlers would have chosen Jordan for a name.
 * "a granite foundation using left-over materials brought from the granite quarry at the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon" - Wikilink granite and Little Cottonwood Canyon?


 * Done

Twentieth century
 * Link alfalfa and sugar beet?
 * Generally, it's a good idea to combine one-sentence orphan paragraphs with other paragraphs to keep the layout from becoming too fragmented. An alternative is to expand the orphans into full paragraphs. This section has four orphans.
 * "Citizens voted to incorporate on November 8, 1935, and immediately bonded itself to get money for the water tank." - "Citizens" is plural, but "itself" is singular. Perhaps "immediately issued bonds"?
 * "assumed local supervision of police, fire, road and building inspections from Salt Lake County" - Wikilink Salt Lake County?
 * The last three orphan paragraphs contain dates and statistics and need in-line citations to reliable sources.


 * Done

Geography
 * "the city has a total area of 21 square miles (54.4 km2)" - I'd set the sigfig parameter to 2 rather than 3.
 * "20.87 square miles (54.1 km2)" - If you use four significant figures for the first quantity, the conversion quantity should have four. Sometimes it makes more sense to round the first figure, but the precision seems important here.
 * The second paragraph needs a source or sources. You can use maps as sources.


 * Done

Parks and recreation
 * Most of this section lacks in-line citations to reliable sources.
 * "City Park includes baseball/softball fields, football/soccer/lacrosse fields... " - The front slash is usually ambiguous. For example, readers can't tell if this means "baseball and softball fields" or whether it means fields that are used for both baseball and softball. Ditto for all the other front-slashed pairs in the article.
 * I'd consider linking terms that foreigners might not know. These would include "skate park", "rainbow trout", and "catfish". "Mulligan's two miniature golf" is an uncommon term and needs to be briefly explained or linked. Ditto for the other fish, "dressage", maybe "pocket park" or anything that you think a reader from China or Turkey or Sri Lanka might not already find familiar.
 * "67-acre (27 ha) Oquirrh Lake sits inside 137-acre (55 ha) of park and wetlands" - The Manual of Style advises against starting sentences with digits. Sometimes it's easier to re-cast the sentence than to spell out the numbers.


 * Done

Education
 * Needs better sourcing.
 * Sorry to be unclear. I was zooming along at this point in the review. I don't mean that the sources you've cited are bad; I mean that parts of this section are unsourced. Finetooth (talk) 02:06, 30 March 2010 (UTC)


 * Done

Transportation
 * Needs better sourcing.
 * Ditto for this section; parts are unsourced. Finetooth (talk) 02:06, 30 March 2010 (UTC)


 * Done

Famous people
 * I'd probably change the head to read "Notable residents".
 * The Manual of Style suggests turning lists into regular prose where feasible. You could turn this list into two paragraphs, one about athletes, and the other about actors, authors, and sculptors. Complete sentences within the paragraphs could say something like "X is a former rugby star who was born in South Jordan in 1982." Each claim like this will need a citation to a reliable source.


 * Done but keeping it as a list for now

References
 * The date formatting should be consistent throughout the reference section. Since you've used m-d-y for most of them, I'd suggest changing the yyyy-mm-dd entries to m-d-y.
 * The Madsen link in citation 5 isn't working.


 * Done

Possibilities for expansion
 * WP:USCITY has a handy list of guidelines and categories for city articles. You might consider adding information about climate, geology, the economy, sports, arts and culture, and media. For a small city, some of these categories can be combined so that the layout is not made choppy by a lot of little sections.

Other
 * The tools at the top of this review page find no dabs or dead urls, which is good. The alt-text tool shows that the images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. WP:ALT has details. You might not need alt text for GAN, but it's helpful to readers with vision impairments who depend on machines that read the text aloud.


 * Done

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:57, 29 March 2010 (UTC)