Wikipedia:Peer review/Super Mario Galaxy 2/archive1

Super Mario Galaxy 2
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I made this article become a Good Article and I think it has potential to become a Featured Article; I need some some suggestions to polish the article before I nominate it for Featured Article

Thanks, SCB &#39;92 (talk) 10:27, 22 September 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Thanks for your work on this article. The polished prose requirement at FAC is often the toughest to meet, and I don't believe the article is there yet. Here are suggestions for further improvement.

Lead
 * "The story follows the protagonist Mario as he pursues the antagonist Bowser into outer space, who has captured Princess Peach and taken control of the universe using Power Stars." - The modifying clause seems attached to "space". Better might be: "The story follows the protagonist Mario as he pursues the antagonist Bowser into outer space, where he has imprisoned Princess Peach and taken control of the universe using Power Stars." I'm not sure "imprisoned" is correct, but you get the idea.


 * "(this version would be called More Super Mario Galaxy)." - I'd prefer a semicolon to the set of parentheses, and I'd use "would have been" rather than "would be".

Gameplay
 * "who has a variety of physical abilities" - Since almost anyone has "a variety of physical abilities", it might be appropriate to name two or three special ones. Maybe "who has special abilities such as... ".


 * "Like the original, the objective of the game... " - "As in the original" would be better, I think.

Setting and level design
 * "(so named because it is shaped like Mario's head[7]) that serves as a hub world, which can be visited anytime and is expanded upon when new abilities are unlocked." - Two things. Should the ref be after the end parentheses rather than before? Is "upon" necessary, or could it be just "expanded"?


 * "The first six worlds end with a boss level against Bowser or Bowser Jr. that, when conquered... " - Is "conquered" the right word? Is it possible to conquer a level? Maybe "boss level in which the object is to conquer Bowser or Bowser Jr...." - Or something like that.


 * "These levels contain Green Stars that are hidden or are placed in hard-to-reach areas, focusing on heavy exploration and precision that could result in instant death if the player fails." - Maybe "These levels, containing Green Stars that are hidden or are placed in hard-to-reach areas, require intense exploration and precision and cause instant death if the player fails."


 * "For example, some environments change to the beat of the background music, such as sudden shifts in the direction of gravity or the appearance or disappearance of platforms; and others feature a special switch that temporarily slows down time." - It's unclear how a sudden shift in the direction of gravity is a kind of background music. Recast for clarity?


 * "In addition, Prankster Comets have become more general and offer any number of variations: while Super Mario Galaxy offered only five mutually exclusive variations, the Prankster Comets in Super Mario Galaxy 2 range to any number of challenges that often mix or overlap, such as destroying all the enemies, collecting 100 Purple Coins, and completing the level within a time limit or while avoiding Cosmic Clones (doppelgängers of Mario that pursue and imitate all the player's actions)." - Too complex.

Guides and multiplayer
 * "The drawback is that the player is awarded a Bronze Star, requiring them to complete it themselves in order to earn a Golden Power Star." - "Player" is singular, but "them" is plural. Recast.


 * I'll stop commenting line-by-line on the prose, but I have identified enough glitches that I think it would be a good idea for you to seek the help of a copyeditor before pressing on to FAC. You can probably find someone at WP:GOCE.

Overlinking
 * I see two kinds of overlinking. One kind involves links for things like fruit, which readers of English already know. The main kind, though, involves linking terms more than once in the lead and once in the main text. For example, Super Mario Galaxy is linked twice in the lead, once in Gameplay, twice in Plot, and once in Music.

Other
 * I would move the Wikipedia books link down to External links. It's displacing an edit button in the Awards section and really is a link external to the English Wikipedia.


 * I'm not sure, but I think you'll have trouble convincing reviewers at FAC that all three non-free images are necessary for a reader to understand the text. WP:NFCC has the guidelines. I don't think the Cloud Mario image or the original soundtrack image add anything not already explained in the text. They are decorative rather than necessary.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 00:34, 10 October 2011 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)