Wikipedia:Peer review/The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie/archive1

The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie
This peer review discussion has been closed. Three down, two to go in the PR drive for Nelvana's Care Bears feature film series. For the record: 2004's Journey to Joke-a-lot may have been released throughout half the world (via Universal Studios), but this 2005 follow-up initially received no more than a French dub and a Spanish version (which is  on the Region 1 DVD, but whose title I haven't been able to successfully locate). Since then, it's slowly rolled out in Greece as Τα Αρκουδάκια Της Αγάπης: Ενα Αστερι Στην Αγαπουπολη and in Germany (possibly) as Die Glücksbärchis – Der Große Wunsch. Like I said on this film's IMDb board when it came out, "Not much buzz around Big Wish, is there?" (And it even shows in the citation count&mdash;22 herein, compared to 180+ for the 1985 movie; little more than 100 for A New Generation; and [at this edit] a projected 80 or so for Wonderland. No wonder I couldn't fulfill that very request for another four years!)

Let's hope a long-belated GAC does justice. After all, this is the better of Nelvana's computer-animated efforts with those huggable characters from Cleveland (no pun intended&mdash;and that's coming from a fan).

Thanks, Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 12:36, 9 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This looks good. I have a short list of comments and suggestions that should cause you little trouble.

Lead
 * "she feels worried that the other Bears have overlooked her abilities, and wishes for a few new friends who care more than her" - That should be "care more than she" or "care more than she does".
 * Corrected. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)

Plot
 * "This causes three new Bears to arrive... " - Should this be "Bears" or "bears"? In the lead, you use "other Bears", but later in the plot section, you write "Once the new bears finally realise their problem... ". Lowercase looks right to me.
 * Converted to lowercase. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)


 * "Wish Bear accidentally wishes Twinkers away to the new Bears, who soon abuse his power... " - Since Wish Bear is a "she", who does "he" refer to?
 * Clarified as "the star's power". --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)


 * "As they return home, Wish Bear tells everyone that they the problem cannot be easily wished away... ". - Doesn't make sense as written. Missing word or words, perhaps? What problem is Wish Bear referring to?
 * Corrected and clarified; I had to watch that very part of the film again to see about that. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)

Release
 * "The day after the U.S. premiere,[3] it became one of Lions Gate Home Entertainment's five direct-to-DVD "marquee" offerings for young viewers during late 2005." - Tighten by deleting "during late 2005" since you've already said "the day after the U.S. premiere
 * "During late 2005" moved to footnote. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)


 * "earning US$40,000 during the timeframe" - What was the time frame? From when to when? How did it do after that? Is $40,000 a little or a lot compared to other films?
 * Information removed; sentence in question reworded. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)

Music
 * Would it be helpful to use more punctuation in the table? For example: "Conducted by Zimfira Poloz; choir recorded by Bob Doidge assisted by Amy King at Grant Avenue Studio, Hamilton, Ontario" might be more clear. Without punctuation, it's not possible to tell if "Creighton Doane Daniel Gerrard Leblanc" refers to two people or three.
 * Done and clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)


 * The ampersands should probably be replaced with "and".
 * Done. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 02:26, 26 November 2010 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 04:27, 20 November 2010 (UTC)