Wikipedia:Peer review/The Lion King/archive3

The Lion King

 * Previous peer review
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it has been up for a "featured article" nomination several times and has been denied. I have extensive knowledge of this movie and its production and I would like to help this article achieve its goal of a "featured article".

I have been looking over the Talk page and I noticed many submissions and clean-up has been done since this article was last nominated.

What I really want is more input from other editors as to how we can improve this article. I believe it really stands out, but Im sure it could use some minor work to top it off.

Let us know what you think guys.

Thanks, DrNegative (talk) 07:27, 30 July 2008 (UTC)

Lion King copyedit
No problem on the copyedit&mdash;I'm just finishing up a couple other projects. I should be able to get started right away, but you probably won't see any edits until tomorrow. Today will just be analysis and note-taking. I look forward to seeing The Lion King pass its FA review. -- AnnaFrance  (talk  &mdash;  blunders)  14:10, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Comment by Sillyfolkboy:

Comments: Parts 2

 * Characters
 * I'd rephrase the sentence about the voicings of Simba while singing. It's not too clear that Joseph Williams was his adult singing voice. Try something like Simba's singing parts demanded further voice actors, Jason Weaver furnishing him with a singing voice as a cub, and Joseph Williams as an adult
 * Fixed the best that I could. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * A bit nit picky but - Do we have any proof that Scar's scar is a battle wound? I can't remember him explaining its origin in the film. Maybe try "named for his disfiguring wound"?
 * Fixed by another editor. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * For the hyenas - the phrase "second-in-commands" is a bit clunky - can you find a better phrasing for this?
 * Fixed by another editor. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Production
 * Try adding this citation for the bambi animal study info.
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "Using computers helped the filmmakers present their vision in new ways." I would rephrase this as "The use of computers..."
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Add wikilink to "Be Prepared" song
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Can we have a cite for the Pocahontas gross for comparison? Only rotten tomatoes reviews are linked in the final sentence.
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Reaction
 * I would change the AFI list to "10 Top 10", as a quotation from the source.
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * More citation will be needed for the "box office performance" figures - those numbers must be coming from somewhere (or does the worldwide citation cover them all?
 * Added citations. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "The Lion King held the record for the most successful animated feature film in history" - Note how "in history" is redundant - maybe rephrase as "LK was the most successful animated feature film until..."
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Also, does this mean highest grossing or something else here? Just "successful" is a little ambiguous. If it is grossing; start the inflation sentence with However, when adjusted for inflation....
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Soundtrack
 * The final sentence refers to a bootleg of the score with extra material that didn't make the official release. Maybe this should be made clear, like: "A bootleg release entitled Lion King (Expanded Score - no FX) featured unreleased instrumental material from Hans Zimmer's original score". Their appearance on EBay is not so important as I think this happens with most bootleg releases from time to time. Plus, the phrase "long lost" is a little untrue as Disney probably had it in their archives all this time anyway.
 * Fixed by another editor. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Spin offs
 * "Also debuted in 1995 was a spin-off television series called The Lion King's Timon and Pumbaa which focused on the titular meerkat and warthog duo in a more modern, human world than the film's" Rephrase to "A spin-off television series called The Lion King's Timon and Pumbaa, which focused on the titular meerkat and warthog duo in a more modern, human world than the film's, also debuted in 1995"
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Any wikilinks for the characters Kiara and Kovu?
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "perspective of Timon and Pumbaa as well as some background on these two characters" Rephrase to "perspective of Timon and Pumbaa and providing background on the duo."
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The final paragraph here seems to be in bits and pieces - can this be rewritten too?
 * Home video
 * Wikilink lithograph and epigraph and Dolby 5.1 (Disney Theater mix if possible).
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Musical
 * Try summarising a little of the info in the main article - e.g. worldwide productions, featuring actors in animal costumes, uses songs from the soundtrack, some changes to scene/plot/character and finding citations for the Tony awards. No need to go overboard here though, just a short paragraph.
 * Added short paragraph with a little more info. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Controversies
 * "Other parallels include that most characters in Kimba have an analogue in The Lion King and that various individual scenes are nearly identical in composition and camera angle." Any proof of this?
 * "Early production artwork on the film's Platinum Edition DVD even depicts a white lion, but later it was found to be Taka, a lion that was to be in the film but was cut short (Taka was later revealed to have been Scar's birth name)." Split into two sentences and align citation.
 * Video Games
 * "The NES version, however, was only released in Europe, and was not identical to the SNES version." This is a little strange because I imagine all of these games are slightly different from each other anyway - I know the SNES and genesis versions are a bit different from first hand experience. Perhaps reduce this to the fact that the NES version was a Europe only release(?)
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Is the second game based on this movie or a later sequel?
 * Added info. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Find citations for the kingdom hearts info - I'm sure there are plenty of game reviews that might mention this kind of thing.
 * This looks like original research and should be removed: "Zazu is absent from the game entirely, though this may be to prevent any confusion between zazu and a disguised Donald Duck (Donald is disguised as a zazu-like bird in the level)"
 * Fixed. DrNegative (talk) 21:57, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Template
 * Is the template listing The Lion King as an adaptation of Hamlet really necessary? Maybe expand the info on the connection between the two to justify this.
 * References
 * Please be aware - All references to IMDB will be challenged at FA - There are suggestions that it is an insider wiki and it is not always reliable.
 * When listing a publisher only books, journals, periodicals and newspapers (such as International Herald Tribune) should be in italics. Websites such as Rotten Tomatoes and BBC should be left in plain script.
 * Try wikilinking publishers where possible - Though this is more of a matter of style than policy.
 * Ensure all dates are listed for links that have publication dates (and authors where possible).
 * Refs 35 to 40 will also be questioned at FA - "Be Prepared"...to find new ones :)

That's it. I hope these suggestions were helpful. Sillyfolkboy (talk) 15:42, 9 August 2008 (UTC)

'If you found this peer review helpful please consider doing one yourself. Choose one from the backlog, where i found this article or take a look at WP:Peer Review.'