Wikipedia:Peer review/The Secret World of Arrietty/archive1

Arrietty
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because we have undergone a major expansion the article and plan to get it up to at least GA status. Comments or suggestions on how to improve this article would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, Darth Sjones23 (talk - contributions) 13:36, 4 September 2011 (UTC)


 * Comments from Jappalang

Voice cast
 * This article is listed as under the provinces of WikiProjects Anime and manga, and Film. The style manuals for these two projects conflict here (I believe this article followed Anime and manga's); I believe Film's is much better in terms of presentation to the reader and abides with the MoS (I doubt a cast list can qualify as a "definition list"). In line with Film's guidelines, the character descriptions are superfluous.  They are stating what can be listed in Plot (and usually are) or can be discarded without hurting the readers' understanding of this article.  In fact, this whole section might not be needed (see below).

Development
 * "Studio Ghibli officially announced on December 16, 2009, that their 2010 feature film will be entitled "Karigurashi no Arrietty"."
 * This event has already passed; it is no longer "will be". The sentence structure also could be approved.  Suggestion: "On December 16, 2009, Studio Ghibli announced Karigurashi no Arrietty as their film for next year."


 * "The director Hayao Miyazaki ..."
 * Hayao Miyazaki was already mentioned earlier in "Studio Ghibli founders Isao Takahata and Hayao Miyazaki ...". He should be linked there, instead of here.  Furthermore, the titular "director" is needless at this point.

Casting
 * This is basically repeating the core of the Voice cast section in prose form.

Music
 * First paragraph is unsourced.


 * "... when she sent them a fan letter ..."
 * When did she send this?


 * "the Apple's store"
 * "the Apple store" or "Apple's store"?
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Though this is clarified, the sentence it is part of is not rather fluent; spot the number of "in"s in "The song made its public debut in a presentation of the song by singer Corbel and percussionist Marco in Apple's store in Shibuya, Tokyo, on 8 August 2010." I also feel "made its public debut in a presentation of the song" seems somewhat awkward.  See the later query on "present" below.  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "This album managed to achieve the 31st position on the Oricon charts at its peak."
 * I do not see what kind of difficulty it faces to warrant a "managed to". "The album's listing on the Oricon charts peaked at the 31st position." would more than suffice.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "This singles album managed to achieve the 18th position on the Oricon charts."
 * Same issue as above
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)

Release
 * "... all of the film's cast and its director Hiromasa Yonebayashi."
 * The director does not need to be named again.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "In addition, the director Hiromasa Yonebayashi hinted that he wanted ..."
 * And again... Furthermore, "in addition" is unnecessary.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * "In addition" is still there. Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "Musician Cécile Corbe also presented the film's theme song at the event."
 * "Corbe performed the theme song at the event." feels less stilted.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Query: Why is "presented" used instead of "performed"? One "presents" a material object; a song is not material.  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "During the film's debut weekend in Japan, the film was screened on 447 screens throughout the whole island."
 * "The film was screened in 447 theaters throughout Japan during its debut weekend."

Home Media
 * "The DVD version of the film is in the region 2 format, and it contains two discs."
 * I would argue this sentence is phrased wrongly. "The DVD version of the film" would mean the DVD discs; therefore, the version cannot "contain" discs.  It would be more correct, in my opinion, to say "The DVD version fo the film comprises two discs."
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "The Blu-ray version contains only one disc in the Region A format."
 * Same issue as above
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)

Box office
 * "1,038,138 people went to see the film ..."
 * WP:ORDINAL: "Numbers that begin a sentence are spelled out, since using figures risks the period being read as a decimal point or abbreviation mark; it is often better to recast the sentence than to simply change format, which may produce other problems."


 * "According to the Motion Picture Producers Association of Japan, Arrietty is the top grossing Japanese film in the Japanese box office for the year for 2010. In total, it grossed around 9.25 billion yen in Japanese cinemas for the year 2010."
 * Too many "Japan"s and other excessive words: "According to the Motion Picture Producers Association of Japan, Arrietty is the top grossing local film at the box office for 2010; it grossed approximately 9.25 billion yen."
 * The above suggestion was adopted but with "Japanese film" instead of "local film". I am not certain why it must state "Japanese film" (since the organization and context is indigenous to the locale), but I am not going to harp on this point.  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "Within France, ..."
 * "In France, ..." would be much simpler.
 * ✅ — Preceding unsigned comment added by Lionratz (talk • contribs) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)


 * Regarding the use of "over" with figures, it is more precise and preferred to use "more than".
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * There is still "over 12 million audiences" in Release. Further note: "audiences" is wrong here; I believe the intent is not "more than 12 million shows", but "more than 12 million tickets (sold)", right?  The sentence might still have to be rephrased if that is the case.  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "... allowing the film to gross of over US$1.4 million that week."
 * The customers do not "allow" a product to "gross" and is the "of" supposed to be there?
 * "Gross of" has been corrected, but the phrasing of "allowing ... to gross" still strikes me wrong. Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * "... between its release and March 1, 2011."
 * And when was that release?
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)

Critical reception
 * "As of September 2011, review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes reports that 100% of critics have given the film a positive review, based on 20 reviews, certifying it "Fresh" with an average rating of 7.6/10."
 * This is a weaselly phrased sentence. The reader would be impressed with 100% and already biased before other things are introduced; Rotten Tomatoes does not consider every reviewer (especially the foreign ones) and it does not review the film; it just calculates the ratio of positive and negative reviews.  A more neutral phrasing would be "All of the 20 reviewers selected by Rotten Tomatoes as of September 2011 have given the film positive reviews."
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Not sure why the "certified Fresh with numbers" must be there, but I am not going to harp on here. Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)


 * This section is a bit too thin in terms of substance (mostly one-liner quotes). There should be more on what the reviewers like or disliked about the film.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 06:23, 12 September 2011 (UTC)

Film manga
 * Please rephrase or explain the term. While anime/manga enthusiasts are likely to understand this term, the common reader will be puzzling over the meaning.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Not quite. This has been restated to be simply manga.  However, the source states the "adaptations" to be film comics, which are simply printed volumes of the film that use selected film cells overlaid with all the film's dialogue.  It is more of a dead-tree version of the film than an "adaptation".  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)

External links
 * Please weed out the list of links here. Some are not needed even, one (Rotten Tomatoes) is even already used as a source.

Image
 * File:Karigurashi no Arrietty poster.png is pretty lacking (and incorrect) in its Purpose of use ("To illustrate the appearance of the animated film, which is the primary topic of the article."). The film certainly does not look like that.  That image is the film's promotional poster.  Take File:Conan the Barbarian by Renato Casato.jpg and File:S05-The Final Frontier-Poster art.png as studies.  Where is this image obtained?  Who is its copyright owner?  Those should be stated as far as the usage of non-free images are concerned.
 * ✅ --Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Not yet. If you are going to say "May be found at the film's official website", then per WP:IUP, the precise web-page (not image link) should be given to allow others to verify where the image comes from.  Jappalang (talk) 09:09, 14 September 2011 (UTC)

Aside from the above, I think the language still need some polishing. I think the current content is too skimpy for GA; there might be more after its release in the US, but that remains to be seen. Jappalang (talk) 08:37, 9 September 2011 (UTC)

Brief Comments from Lionratz

"Casting" and "Voice Cast" sections: I disagree with Jappalang, and think they serve different purpose. The Voice Cast section should detail more about the character in the film, and give just the name of the voice actor doing the voicing of this character. On the other hand, the Casting section should include a brief background of the cast members and how they got the role. Perhaps we should just remove the role reference in this section. But I do not think it is wise to merge these two sections.

I also think that the content is a tad too brief for a GA-article.--Lionratz (talk) 13:28, 12 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Let me elaborate. The Voice cast is not giving any substantial information that is not already present in the Casting.  Both are stating "so and so" character is voiced by "so and so".  The current details about the characters in Voice cast are superfluous.  Whatever mentioned there is not relevant to "voice cast" (as the section is supposed to be about), should be worked into the Plot, or simply unimportant to the Plot or to any other aspects of the film (Production, Reception, Themes, etc).  If you cut those details, what you have left is again "so and so" character is voiced by "so and so" (parroting the core of Casting).
 * What you seem to be looking for in "Voice cast" would actually be "Characters"; even then, I would say that such a section would be about character analysis (cited to reliable secondary sources), elaborating the personalities and designs of the characters, as well as any thematic study on the subjects (characters) themselves. Jappalang (talk) 03:41, 13 September 2011 (UTC)

Minor things I noticed though not sure if they have been covered. Tress MacNeille is missing a source. The Release section contains a single sentence and should be combined with a paragraph. Do Accolades really need a table if only one award for given? DragonZero ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 09:15, 19 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Comments from DragonZero
 * I think the accolades section should be placed in a table, because the information is easy to read and there is no guidelines as to how many accolades the film must be given foe this section be formatted in a table. Anyway, this might not be a finalized list of awards the film will receive, so this might be different in future. As for your other observations, I have taken them into consideration and made the necessary changes.--Lionratz (talk) 06:54, 22 September 2011 (UTC)