Wikipedia:Peer review/The Space Between Us (novel)/archive1

The Space Between Us (novel)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to know how to further improve it. The style and reception sections will probably need the most looking at. I would eventually like to nominate it at GAN and then FAC. Thanks, Kaguya-chan (talk) 16:00, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Because I am pressed for time at the moment, I have confined myself to comments on the lead and "Plot" section. This section is weak at present, difficult to follow if you don't know the book. I found the summary rather confusing, with a lot of awkwardness in the prose. Here are a few examples of problems:-
 * Lead
 * The lead must specify name of publisher and date of publication.
 * Overlinking: "widow", "domestic servant" (possibly other terms throughout article)
 * "a common bond" sits oddly in the list of "similar situations". The common bond between the two women is that they have shared experiences - abuse, loneliness etc
 * The word "descendant" is generally used for several generations down the line. I would not call my children my "descendents", or if I had any, my grandchildren, any more than they would call me their ancestor. Perhaps "dependents" would be a beter choice of word.
 * "the social class in India" - delete "the"
 * "and whom Umrigar had much admiration for" → "and for whom Umrigar had much admiration".
 * As the setting is modern India, why "Bombay" not Mumbai?
 * Plot
 * "six-five" → "sixty-five" (or 65)
 * "after getting into a work-related accident which caused him to lose three fingers" Clumsy. Try: "after a work-related accident  caused him to lose three fingers..."
 * More awkwardness in prose and punctuation: "Her other child, Pooja married, only to die of AIDS along with her husband, and orphaned Maya at a young age." Perhaps "Her daughter Pooja had married, but had died of AIDS together with her husband, leaving Maya an orphan at a young age"
 * "Meanwhile" is superfluous, as is "own" in "her own physically abusive husband"
 * Is "Sera" the same person as "Serabai"? If so, use one form of the name. But this sentence is at present very difficult to follow: "abusively forced her superstitions about menstruation on her" needs more clarity. Then, "tends to her pregnant daughter Dinaz while she pays for Maya's abortion" - is a very awkward combination of two distinct events.
 * What does the reference to the balloon seller mean?

One general point: the book itself should not be listed among the references.

Brianboulton (talk) 19:09, 15 June 2011 (UTC)


 * Thank you for taking the time to look over the article. Your comments are appreciated. Kaguya-chan (talk) 14:14, 16 June 2011 (UTC)