Wikipedia:Peer review/Thornton Chase/archive1

Thornton Chase
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to see about improving the article and it would be good to have more eyes on it. It was recently saved from a deletion request and I think could be improved to the point of consideration for GA.

Thanks, Smkolins (talk) 20:49, 15 September 2017 (UTC)

Comments
 * Given the length of the article, the lead should be considerably longer
 * Are any more images available?
 * Further reading should go after references
 * Some of the phrasing used in this article doesn't seem encyclopedic in nature - eg. "the inner vacuum he felt apparently set him on a quest for love", "experience pulled him back from the brink of destruction, renewed his hope, and set him on a religious search". Nikkimaria (talk) 18:51, 18 September 2017 (UTC)
 * I'll volunteer to try and track down more images of Chase. dragfyre_ ʞןɐʇ c 13:43, 19 September 2017 (UTC)


 * Thanks Nikkimaria - I've addressed most of that and thanks to dragfyre for finding a relevant image. I was considering a map of places he lived in the different phases but not sold that would really help. There are lots of early pictures of him but not published until more recent years. For example the gravesite has changed markedly. Perhaps I can see if someone is willing to donate a more recent picture. Smkolins (talk) 18:41, 19 September 2017 (UTC)

Several phrases do not make sense Until you resolve this copyvio, I will not look at the bottom half. Good luck. Eddie891 Talk Work 20:51, 21 September 2017 (UTC)
 * "The about a 1000 strong regiment was mustered"
 * "Apparently three-year-old Thornton was not wanted" This sounds not very encyclopedic, maybe just remove it, or rephrase it. \
 * "and this lack apparently set him on a quest" again with the apparently. (See WP:Alleged)
 * "to attend a school, the "Free School for Military Tactics" for officers for black infantry units." I would say "To attend the "Free school for Military Tactics" rather than "a school, the..."
 * "for officers for black infantry units." Was he an officer already?
 * "Lincolns Secretary of War" I'd give his name as well
 * "second in charge" what rank is that?
 * Don't use abbreviations like "yrs" for years.
 * link to "Rikers and Hart Islands"
 * "unit fought two battles south of Charleston, S.C" do we know which?
 * "two officers were reportedly wounded during battles in South Carolina during this first deployment." completely unnecessary, you go on to list them, and reportedly makes it sound like it may not have happened.
 * Don't use abbreviations like Dec for December
 * "possibly" again with the WP:Alleged.
 * "till February, 1866. News of the surrender of Lee and days later of the assassination of Lincoln arrived in late April." That makes it sound like Lee's surrender, and Lincolns death happened in 1866.
 * "Chase had a mystical experience of God's love, of love "unspeakable," of "absolute oneness," which set him on a path of renewed hope in a religious search." A minor quibble, but be careful you do not stray to far towards things like "God's love," as Wikipedia is not religiously affiliated.
 * "When he had exhausted his employment opportunities" How? If he got fired, just say it.
 * "The first high school graduates of the city were in 1875" Ever?
 * "being visible for example in 1879." Stay away from phrases like "for example." You're not writing a fifth grade persuasive essay. The source you provide serves as the "for example" without you needing to say it.
 * "She lived the rest of her days in Newport, Rhode Island, dying in 1918. Chase's older daughter, Sarah, married in 1895 and had five children before dying suddenly in 1908. Chase's other daughter, Jessamine, never married and became a school teacher and musician like her father; she died in 1947." Unsourced.
 * "Sources indicate" again unnecessary.
 * "apparently" unnecessary.
 * "He remarried on 6 May 1880" Who?
 * "extremely" extremely unnecessary.
 * "He was visible advertising" He WAS advertising himself!?
 * "aided an investigation of setting up lead works in Pueblo" was he investigating the setting up of them, after they had been set up or before? Who hired him?
 * "He joined the local Swedenborgian church." When? Why?
 * "He initiated a broader religious search and began to read a wide variety of books about religion." Unsourced.
 * A brief glance at the first half looks good, with just some minor issues (listed above).
 * Thanks Eddie891. I got through the various minor issues and then that last one was quiet a shock. Wow. I actually remember that happened but thought it had been fixed way back. If you look carefully at on the right it is the Stockman account, yes, him, who posted a draft of that article from 2007. Beyond that both this article and that separately published article in 2009 primarily rely on the same source - his 2002 text - so some natural commonality will occur (names/dates/places.) I've tried fixing all that - more dense citation (in some cases I had summarized several pages into a few lines and cited one for all on them,) dropping parts, and quoting others with explicit citation and dropped the score from 93.8% to 86.8% at the moment. I'd like your opinion on continuing this work fixing things. Smkolins (talk) 03:06, 22 September 2017 (UTC)
 * I noticed if you run the comparison of the 30% references (one the archive of the other) it is almost completely because of the two stanza poem quoted and cited. Smkolins (talk) 03:26, 22 September 2017 (UTC)
 * The only way to be really safe about dangerous copyvios like that is to completely delete or rephrase. fortunitally most of the renaming copyright violation is easily fixable.Eddie891 Talk Work 20:06, 8 October 2017 (UTC)