Wikipedia:Peer review/Tillson Harrison/archive1

Tillson Harrison
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would someday like to take the article to FA. However, I realise the article has a long way to go yet, so I would appreciate all suggestions.

Thanks, JulieSpaulding (talk) 04:31, 26 January 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a well-done article about an interesting person. I made a few minor proofing changes, and I have a few other suggestions for improvement.

Lead
 * "Dr. Tillson Lever Harrison (January 7, 1881–January 10, 1947) was a Canadian physician... " - Wikipedia generally does not use academic titles like "Dr." in front of names but prefers a descriptive phrase after the name. Since you've got "physician" here, you could just delete the "Dr."
 * "Enlisting in the United States Army at an early age, Harrison attended the University of Toronto... ". - This is startling because it's not clear how a Canadian attending school in Toronto can join the U.S. Army. I think you need to say something like "Moving to New York and enlisting in the United States Army at an early age, Harrison later returned to Canada to attend the University of Toronto... ".
 * "such as the Chief of Medical Staff to Pancho Villa and the doctor for the Chinese Labour Corps" - Link Chinese Labour Corps on first use?
 * I'd suggest dividing in two the long first paragraph after "Lod, Israel", and making this a three-paragraph lead just for readability.
 * "Harrison was deported to Canada, but managed to jump ship in Morocco... ". - Since you link most of the countries mentioned in the article, I'd suggest linking Canada and Morocco here on first use. Generally, I'd suggest linking relatively familiar terms like the names of countries, World War I, and X-ray only once per article and doing that on first use, unlinking any that are linked on second or later use.
 * "he travelled through no fewer than fifteen different countries and dependencies performing medical duties" - "No fewer than" is a bit of a weasel phrase. Is the exact number known?
 * "he assisted in the United Nations Relief and Rehabilitation Administration in China, saving many lives." - Since you use the abbreviation UNRRA later in the article, it would be good to add it here; i.e., United Nations Relief and Rehabilitation Administration (UNRRA). After that, UNRRA makes sense by itself.
 * "By the end of his life, Tillson Harrison could speak no fewer than six different languages... " - Same weasel, "no fewer than".
 * "had participated in seven different wars" - Delete "different"?

Early life
 * "a town named for his ancestor George" - Even though we find out later that George was his great-grandfather, it should probably appear here instead of the more vague "ancestor".
 * "became a local newspaper sensation after his attempt to 'ride the rails' to Cuba was discovered" - Two things. Wikipedia uses double quotes rather than single except in cases of nested quotes. More importantly, it's not possible to literally ride the rails from Canada to Cuba. It might be better to say "his attempt to travel to Cuba". Or, it might be even better to list his actual travel modes, if known; i.e., foot, bicycle, automobile, train, horse, sailboat, and dugout canoe. (I'm just making these up, thinking of Indiana Jones.)
 * "At age 14, Harrison ran away to join the 22nd Oxford Rifles militia... " - Where did he run to? Where was militia headquarters?
 * "to join the United States Army Engineers and serve as part of the peacekeeping force present in the Philippines after the defeat of Spain in 1898, and for a brief period to help put down the Boxer Rebellion in China" - Unlink United States Army since linked in the lead but link Philippines, Spain, and China since not yet linked in the article?
 * "Harrison contracted cholera and returned home to Canada" - Tighten by deleting "home"?
 * ". In 1909, Harrison fathered a daughter, but due to his restless nature... " - Perhaps give her name here on first mention: i.e., "fathered a daughter, Rosalind, but due to... "?

North American conflict and World War I
 * "and was stationed at a French hospital, where he tended to the needs of the Chinese Labour Corps" - Where was the hospital?

Interwar period
 * "The recently thrice-married physician's quick thinking prevented his new wife's broken leg from developing into gangrene." - Since the quick thinking wasn't thrice married, it might be better to flip this to say, "The quick thinking of the recently thrice-married physician prevented his new wife's broken leg from developing into gangrene."
 * "but was captured and tried for breach of conduct" - "Breach of conduct" is unfamiliar to me, although I see what it means from context. Should it be "breach of acceptable conduct"? Or "wrongful conduct"? Could it be linked to an explanation? Does the phrase have a specific legal meaning?
 * "Harrison posed as a Catholic " - Link Catholic?
 * "After he was discovered, he quickly crossed to Wales... " - Link Wales?
 * "Harrison worked in no fewer than fifteen countries and dependencies across Latin America and the Middle East... " - Same weasel, "no fewer than".

World War II and beyond
 * "On December 4, 1946, Harrison set out from Shanghai with approximately fifty tonnes of supplies." - Would it be good to specify the final destination here and perhaps the total distance? Would it also be useful to include at least some of the sub-distances such as the distance between Kaifeng and Zhangqiu?
 * "sent a letter to the Chinese ambassador with Harrison as the subject to mark the centenary of his birth" - Wikilink centenary?
 * "his burial site is home to the Dr. Tillson Harrison Memorial School" - In what city?
 * "In 1988, Harrison's remains were re-interred in a large tomb in a public ceremony, which many Canadians were invited to attend." - Re-interred in what city? Perhaps re-cast as "re-interred in a large tomb in X during a public ceremony that many Canadians were invited to attend."
 * "became the inspiration for the highly successful Indiana Jones series" - Perhaps clarify by saying "film series"?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:20, 2 February 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks Finetooth. I will definitely take a look at the PR backlog. Thanks again for your fine suggestions! JulieSpaulding 11:10, 2 February 2010 (UTC)