Wikipedia:Peer review/Tropical Storm Debra (1978)/archive2

Tropical Storm Debra (1978)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like an extensive review of the overall writing and prose of this article. I'd like a detailed sentence-by-sentence review.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks! Hurricanefan25 tropical  cyclone 20:11, 3 August 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this article. I cannot go line by line, but will try to point out as many rough spots and problems as I can; here are some suggestions for improvement. Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 16:45, 24 August 2011 (UTC)
 * I assume that you have a model article for ideas and examples to follow. There are many FAs on hurricanes and storms that seem like they would be useful models.
 * In the lead, I would mention where it formed, the actual number of tornadoes (table shows 5, lead says "several"), and some estimate of the damages it caused (monetary value).
 * Did some research, they have every damage total for every 1970's Atlantic storm except debra. Done for the other two.
 * Florida is east of the Yucatan, so this makes no sense ''It moved east towards the Yucatán Peninsula over the next day, at the same time as a tropical wave drifted westwards from the Caribbean Sea.
 * Fixed.
 * The word "retraced" to me means that it followed a path it had already taken - for example if it went in a loop. The storm path image does not show such a loop, so the verb seems wrong (perhaps "tracked" would work?). ''At first the depression drifted westward but, as the western periphery of a high-pressure ridge weakened, it retraced towards the north and slowly strengthened.
 * Fixed.
 * Assuming you want this to eventually reach FA, the language will have to improved considerably. The most difficult FA criterion for most articles to meet is 1a (a professional level of English). This sentence seems needlessly convoluted The depression was upgraded to Tropical Storm Debra once surface winds of 45 miles per hour (72 km/h) were found, following the analysis of data gathered from a reconnaissance aircraft. Try to avoid passive voice in general - active voice is usually a bit tighter too. Why not something like After a reconnasisance aircraft found surface winds of 45 miles per hour (72 km/h), the depression was upgraded to Tropical Storm Debra.?
 * Done.
 * I think of one standard atmosphere as 1000 mbar and of storms as low pressure areas, so it seems odd to me that the pressure within the tropical storm never drops below 1000 mbar.
 * Actually, this happens somewhat often with tropical cyclones.
 * Avoid WP:OVERLINKing - mbar only needs to be linked once, for example. If you are using convert, the link can be turned off.
 * Done.
 * Avoid needless repetition - the last sentence in history Tropical Storm Debra dissipated over Arkansas. is not needed as the article has already said that In south central Arkansas the residual low pressure system merged with a frontal trough on August 29... (if this is not clear enough, then say in this sentence that it dissipated in AR)
 * Reworded.
 * I don't think you can say "the fatality of one person", why not just "causing one fatality" or "killing one person and seriously injuring another"? The Mississippi tornado, which occurred in Turkey Creek, Mississippi, destroyed three mobile homes and a house, causing the fatality of one person and seriously injuring another.[1][2] I also do not think the sentence has to repeat Mississippi (once is enough)
 * Done.
 * Table lists 5 tornadoes, so this sentence in history seems to contradict it (as it says just three tornadoes were confirmed) Many tornadoes were reported from the system in Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi shortly after Debra's landfall; after further analysis tornadoes were confirmed as one each in the three states.[2] I would follow it by saying something like two other tornadoes were confirmed, one each in ... (give the states) and give the total spawned by the storm system and its remnants.
 * Done.
 * What is the organizing principle in the Preparations and impact section? It seems to be first paragraph general / multi-state effects, second on Texas, third on Louisiana, and fourth is a hodge podge. I think it is better to go from general to specific, so for example I would move the sentence Flash flood warnings were issued for Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, and Tennessee.[25] from the fourth paragraph to the first (which already discusses rain and flooding)
 * Problem sentence Exxon, Shell, Chevron, and several other oil companies with offshore rigs in Texas shut down operations and about 1,000 employees were evacuated from oil-rigs in Texas and Louisiana.[8][9] Again avoid passive and repetition (Texas and rigs twioe) to get something like Exxon, Shell, Chevron, and other oil companies shut down operations and evacuated about 1,000 employees from offshore oil-rigs in Texas and Louisiana.[8][9]
 * Done.
 * 1st paragraph here is long - perhaps split into an evacuation paragraph and a flooding paragraph (with the sentence from the last paragraph moved there).
 * Done.
 * It might make sense to put this with the oil rig evacuations, so [Despite these evacuations,] a 15-foot (4.6 m) wave killed a person at a rig 80 miles (130 km) offshore from Cameron, Louisiana.[8][10][11][16][17]'' (and does this really need 5 refs?)
 * Done.
 * Refs ususally follow punctuation, so avoid refs in the middle of sentences like At Grand Chenier, Louisiana, a wind gust of 65 miles per hour (105 km/h) to 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) was recorded[9][10][17] and there were reports of downed trees and damage to roofs in Lake Charles and New Orleans.[9]  (could just add a comma after "was recorded").
 * Fixed.
 * I would also try to avoid the ref in the middle in this sentence: Moderate flooding in Rapides Parish was recorded with[13] 6 inches (15 cm) of rain measured at Lake Charles and Lafayette, Louisiana, 3 inches (7.6 cm) of rain at Shreveport, Louisiana, and 3.5 inches (8.9 cm) at Monroe, Louisiana.[14] and see if yoiu can avoid three Louisianas in one sentence- try "Louisiana had moderate flooding, especially in Rapides Parish,[13] 6 inches (15 cm) of rain fell at Lake Charles and Lafayette, 3 inches (7.6 cm) of rain fell at Shreveport, and 3.5 inches (8.9 cm) at Monroe.[14]
 * Done, thanks.
 * In short this needs a copyedit.
 * I would add a summary sentence at the top of the Tornadoes section. Tropical Storm Debra and its remnants spawned five tornadoes in five states in a two day period. These killed one person and caused damage estimated to range between X and Y dollars.
 * Done.
 * Why "August 28 event" (and "August 29 event")? What was the event? Aren't they events (plural)? Why not just give the dates (no "event")
 * Done.
 * Since each tornado was in a unique state, can the sates just be included in Location (DeRidder, Lousiana)? Or is this the standard format for such articles?
 * It is the standard format for these tables.
 * Should the damages sentences include fragments like "1 death[.] Two injuries caused by the tornado. Estimated $50,000–500,000 in damages."
 * Fixed.
 * Does the use of Bold face in the table follow WP:ITALIC?
 * It is the standard format for similar tables.
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)
 * Thanks, Ruhrfisch!  HurricaneFan 25  15:03, 9 September 2011 (UTC)