Wikipedia:Peer review/Vega/archive1

Vega
This article on a notable northern star (I'm sure many of you have seen it) has been significantly expanded during the past few weeks. It still needs a longer lead and a handful of additional references, but I think it's starting to shape up fairly decently. What else would you like to see covered herein, and what would you recommend for improvements?

Thank you. &mdash; RJH (talk) 23:35, 5 November 2007 (UTC)

Review by Jeff
Lots of sources and good technical details are strong points of the article. The most important thing to work on are fleshing out the short, stubby paragraphs. For example: And others. The idea should be to: 1) give better context for the information, and 2) use prose to introduce, connect, and summarize ideas. Example paragraphs that need context badly are: Other suggestions: A very good start to a technical subject. Overall, I'm looking for more context for the facts. Use prose to introduce, explain, and connect ideas, especially true for complex ideas. Consider writing a better history section, detailing how the star was studied over the years. Jeff Dahl (Talk • contribs) 07:11, 8 November 2007 (UTC)
 * "In about AD 14,000, ..."
 * "The Lyrids are a strong meteor shower ..."
 * "The unusually low metallicity of Vega ..."
 * The cultural significance section.
 * "Professional astronomers have used Vega..."
 * "From the Earth, Vega is seen from within 5 degrees of its polar rotation axis..."
 * Okay I've tried to address all of these except the cultural significance section. That will take some more digging. &mdash; RJH (talk) 15:51, 10 November 2007 (UTC)
 * "There is some question as to whether Vega displays..." a weak lead sentence. Better to say something along the lines of "John Smith and Sally Smart, astronomers at State University, report measuring variability in Vega's luminosity..."
 * Consider expanding the Physical properties section
 * Done.
 * "Vega can often be seen near the zenith in the mid-northern latitudes during the evening in the Northern Hemisphere summer,[15] and during these times from mid-southern latitudes it can be seen low above the northern horizon during the Southern Hemisphere winter" This sentence is really complex. I'd split it into two sentences: "In the Northern Hemisphere...In the Southern Hemisphere..." and reduce the complexity please.
 * Done.
 * "...when the Egyptians named it Ma'at, the Vulture-star" Find a second source to back this up. I've studied ancient Egyptian history extensively, and I'm not aware of any connection between Ma'at and the vulture. When you say "ancient Egyptians" this could potentially be anything from 5000 BC to 350 AD or so. If it is a specific Greek-Egyptian writer from the Ptolemaic period, probably should say so.
 * "...represented as an eagle or vulture among the lore of ancient Egypt and India." This seems to mash up the difference between ancient Egypt and India. I checked the source, which gives a mushy statement. We need precision here; the ancient Egyptians and India probably didn't share anything close to a similar tradition about this star.
 * I tried to clarify this and added more references.
 * "and, under the influence of the Spanish, the last component of this star's name gradually changed to Vega." Seems vague
 * "The name appeared in Christian Europe in the Alfonsine Tables" Can we have a year? 800AD? 1600 AD? What is "Christian Europe"?
 * Thanks Jeff, that was helpful. &mdash; RJH (talk) 21:53, 8 November 2007 (UTC)


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 12:48, 8 November 2007 (UTC)