Wikipedia:Peer review/Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)/archive2

Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it just failed FAC because of the prose. I'd like some opinions on how to improve it.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Sceptre (talk) 16:24, 6 April 2008 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: I made a brief comment in the previous PR and, while I still think this is overall well-done, I agree that the writing needs some polishing to get to FA standards. Here are some suggestions for improvement: OK, I am going to try some tweaks to show what a copyedit might do - I am not great at this, so these are just sugestions. Hope this helps - try to get someone who is better at this than I (and who knows the good Doctor and wouldn't make goofy mistakes as I would). Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 02:56, 11 April 2008 (UTC)
 * I read the FAC and scanned the GAR - please read each carefully and address all concerns. I would also treat the issues raised as examples and check the whole article for similar problems. When you think they have all been addressed, ask the editors from the FAC and GAR to look at it again and see if they agree.
 * I am not an expert copyeditor - see if you can find someone at WP:LOCE or on the new Peer Review volunteers list for another opinion.
 * Here are some things I found. First example is the infobox image caption: The interstellar cruise liner Titanic, the main setting of the episode, orbits above Earth on Christmas Eve in celebration of Christmas . I struck the part that seemed superfluous and even unclear
 * Lead - since there is a 192 in the infobox, I assume this is the 192nd episode. If so could the first sentence be "Voyage of the Damned" is the 192nd episode of the British science fiction television series Doctor Who.?
 * This was commented on in FAC - would it make sense to provide context to the reader for "companion"? (see WP:PCR) Something like and is the only appearance of Australian singer and actress Kylie Minogue as [the Doctor's traveling] companion Astrid Peth.
 * The lead is supposed to summarize the article and give the most important points - see WP:LEAD and WP:WEIGHT So how is this one of the most important things about the episode: Another scene, filmed on a set labelled by the production team as the best set they had made, featured composer Murray Gold, conductor and orchestrator Ben Foster, and singer Yamit Mamo, three people involved in producing the music of the episode, performing "The Stowaway", a song written specially for the episode. If it really should be in the lead (your call), maybe something more like this reads better: Another scene featured a performance of "The Stowaway", a song written specially for the episode, by singer Yamit Mamo, composer Murray Gold, and conductor Ben Foster, on what the production team called the best set they had made.
 * Add a word here? to prevent the ship from [causing] an extinction-level collision.
 * Perhaps The episode continues the storyline of "Last of the Time Lords" and "Time Crash"...
 * He decides to stow away, only confessing his status to a waitress... perhaps instead could be He decides to stow away, telling no one of his status except a waitress...
 * Astrid, who joined the crew of the Titanic to travel throughout the stars, is disappointed because she is not given shore leave. Shouldn't the end be in the past tense? Do we see her not get leave (in which case this is OK), or has this already happened (in which case something like this is needed) Astrid, who joined the crew of the Titanic to travel throughout the stars, is disappointed because she was not given shore leave.
 * Change to The Doctor takes her on a brief illicit excursion to London, along with [adjective needed here - tourist? alien? married?] couple Morvin and Foon Van Hoff..
 * How about this - However, the populace of London [has already] fled in fear of an a third consecutive extra-terrestrial attack,[3][4] and only a few people remain[,] including the Royal Family and a newspaper seller called Wilfred Mott (Bernard Cribbins).
 * She isn't given shore leave because of "insurance reasons" (age-old excuse, I know!). I'm split over some other wordings, like the ELE part (because the ship will be the one colliding) or the part about London's populace (you can't flee a city within 2 hours - look at Gulf cities, so it took place before the narrative). Sceptre (talk) 16:54, 11 April 2008 (UTC)
 * OK thanks for clarifying. How about to prevent an extinction-level event, which the ship's collision would cause. ? Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 13:46, 12 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Hmm, I could give it a try. You can tell I watched Deep Impact by me using the acronym ELE ;) Sceptre (talk) 13:52, 12 April 2008 (UTC)