Wikipedia:Peer review/Werner Hartenstein/archive1

Werner Hartenstein
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I expanded it greatly. Please provide feedback on grammar and content.

Thanks, MisterBee1966 (talk) 13:08, 21 November 2011 (UTC)

Comments:

A few thoughts from me:


 * "Gustav Julius Werner Hartenstein (27 February 1908 – 8 March 1943) was a Korvettenkapitän with the Kriegsmarine during World War II and commander of U-156." - I know all the individual words are linked, but if you don't know the period, you probably wouldn't realise from the first sentence that he was a famous German submarine commander. It might be worth expanding out slightly to make this clearer.
 * "Prior to joining the military service studied" - a missing "he"
 * "He signed in at the..." - I don't think I've come across "matriculated" described as "signed in" before. I'd suggest "entered", "joined" or just "matriculated".
 * "on 1 April 1928 as a member "Crew 1928" (the incoming class of 1928)" - might be worth finding a way to remove the third "1928", as it seems slightly repetitious.
 * "After he underwent basic military training in the 2nd department (II. Abteilung) of the standing ship division (Schiffsstammdivision) of the Baltic Sea in Stralsund (1 April 1928 – 30 June 1928), he was transferred to the training ship Niobe (1 July 1928 – 15 October 1928) attaining the rank of Seekadett (Naval Cadet) on 11 October 1928. " - this wasn't the easiest sentence to read - I'd advise breaking it into two at "he was transferred".
 * "Attached to commanding torpedo boats before the war, " - should this read "Attached to command torpedo boats..."?
 * "Hartenstein took command of torpedo boat Seeadler on 20 November 1938. In October 1939 Hartenstein transferred and switched command of torpedo boat Jaguar with Kapitänleutnant Franz Kohlauf who took over command of Seeadler. On 30 March 1941, command of Jaguar was given to Kapitänleutnant Friedrich-Karl Paul and Hartenstein transferred to the U-boat force, and on 4 September 1941 given command of U-156. For his service on torpedo boats" - I wasn't sure if the incoming commanders' names added a lot here?
 * "group new land" - should this be capitalised? Hchc2009 (talk) 19:21, 22 November 2011 (UTC)

I've changed the flags to show those actually used. Technically, Great Britain refers to the Kingdom of Great Britain from 1706-1801. I've used the template, but with the name tweaked to display as United States, although it links to the article on the USN. Nice article, BTW!. Mjroots (talk) 13:18, 25 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Comment by Mjroots

much appreciated MisterBee1966 (talk) 12:16, 2 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the feedback