Wikipedia:Peer review/What More Can I Give/archive1

What More Can I Give
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I'm hoping to take this article to FA status in the near future, but would like some input beforehand.

Thanks,  Pyrrhus  16 ''' 22:26, 27 January 2010 (UTC)


 * I think the references/citations should have publishers (i.e. |work=ABC News |publisher=Walt Disney Company, or |work=The New York Times |publisher=The New York Times Company), but other than that I think that this article is FA material. Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 06:52, 28 January 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you.  Pyrrhus  16 ''' 21:18, 30 January 2010 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting article and generally well done, but I think the language needs some work before it would pass FAC. Here are some suggestions for improvement. ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:27, 12 February 2010 (UTC)
 * The hardest criterion for most articles to meet at WP:FAC is 1a, "well-written: its prose is engaging, even brilliant, and of a professional standard" - I think the language needs some polishing. Some examples follow:
 * There are lots of places where the passive voice is used that would read better in the active voice. For example It was to be premiered at a Jackson concert, but failed to be performed by the singer. might read better as something like The song was to be premiered at a Jackson concert, but the singer failed to performed it.
 * Or this is just awkward Following a year of being unreleased and unaired, "What More Can I Give" was played on the radio for the first time in late 2002.
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:26, 12 February 2010 (UTC)


 * Would Ultimately, the song failed to appear at the concerts and remained unreleased.[3] read better as something like Ultimately, Jackson did not perform the song at the concerts and it remained unreleased.[3]?
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:25, 12 February 2010 (UTC)


 * More passive voice Jackson's intentions for the release were revealed in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper the Daily Mirror.  could be Jackson revealed his intentions for the release in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper the Daily Mirror.
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:14, 12 February 2010 (UTC)


 * OK, moving on to other points (assume you can find more passive constructions and flip them to active). There are some WP:MOS issues too - for example the use of italics in "In addition, a Spanish language version of the song was recorded." does not seem to meet WP:ITALIC


 * The article uses blockquote in at least two places, on my monitor there is a one and half line quote in the Background and writing section, and a one line quote in the Airplay section. WP:MOSQUOTE says that block quotes should be "more than four lines, or consisting of more than one paragraph, regardless of number of lines"


 * Or could The new version of the song was recorded shortly afterward by Jackson and other artists ... be something like Jackson and other artists recorded the new version of the song shortly afterward; the others included [names]...
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:21, 12 February 2010 (UTC)


 * Is there any more information on what the original version of the song was like (before 9/11)? How did it change when Michael Jackson rewrote it?
 * There seems to be almost too much detail on the September 11 attacks - what does it have to do with the song? Could it just be something like:
 * Hours following the second concert, Al-Qaeda terrorists hijacked and crashed four commercial passenger jet airliners as part of a coordinated sucide attack on the United States.[8][9] The attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon outside of Washington, D.C., and a crash near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, resulted in the loss of 2,993 lives.[11] Please see WP:WEIGHT

✅
 * Again is more detail available on the recording process? I tend to think of the We are the World model - everyone in a room singing together - but this sounds like it was recorded in many sessions in different places over an extended time period - this needs to be stated more clearly and details would help, if they are available.
 * We are the World is a FA and might be a good model article with ideas and examples to follow here.
 * The table of artists involved needs at least one reference
 * The Live performance section is from 2001, before three other sections (Planned release, Airplay, and Release as a digital single). Would it make more sense to put it in chronological order?
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 03:17, 12 February 2010 (UTC)


 * Why no image of Jackson?
 * ✅ Crystal Clear x3 [talk] 02:38, 13 February 2010 (UTC)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 03:39, 11 February 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your comments and suggestions. You've given me a lot to work with. Thanks. :)  Pyrrhus  16 ''' 03:00, 12 February 2010 (UTC)