Wikipedia:Peer review/Where's Herb?/archive1

Where's Herb?
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I helped improve it to GA status and am wondering if anything more is needed before nominating it as a Featured Article Candidate.

Thanks, GaryColemanFan (talk) 06:11, 3 August 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Interesting, but needs a lot of prose attention if it is to pass FAC. I recommend a thorough copyedit from an uninvolved editor (easier said than done, I know). I hope tese suggestion are helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 21:35, 14 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Prose
 * Rather than just saying: "...in 1985 and 1986", the sentence would look more complete with  "...that ran in 1985 and 1986".
 * "They called on fans..." To what, or "whom", does "they" refer?
 * Repetion such as "...the promotion. The promotion..." should be avoided.
 * "...the last campaign that the J. Walter Thompson firm was hired to design for Burger King." Rather clumsy. JWT should be described as an "agency" rather than a "firm". "Hired to design" is unnecessarily wordy: I suggest "...the last campaign that the J. Walter Thompson agency designed for Burger King".
 * "When the commercials were created, Burger King was suffering due to their marketing efforts." I take it you mean that before the commercials were created, Burger King was suffering...etc. But you need to be more specific: how was Burger King suffering? Do you mean Burger King's sales were suffering? If so, say so. And "due to their marketing efforts" is not very informative. I would say "suffering from poor marketing".
 * Suggest you begin the following sentence: "The new promotion was designed to counter the successful marketing efforts of..."
 * "which was" → "who were"
 * No need to specify "US" dollars. "$80 to 100 million" looks awkward and would be better as "80 to 100 million dollars"
 * "and Wendy's" → "and of Wendy's"
 * "Donald Dempsey, J. Walter Thompson's Executive Vice President of Marketing..." Maybe just "Thompson's" here."
 * "Everyone in the restaurant when Herb was discovered was also entered into a draw for the promotion's grand prize of $1 million." Perhaps: "All the customers in the restaurant when Herb was discovered would also be entered..." etc
 * General
 * Neither of the first two paragraphs of the "Reception" section are to do with the campaign's reception. Perhaps the section heading should be broadened.
 * Ref 12 (The Wrestlecrap Book of Lists): Is this a high quality encyclopedic source?
 * Ref 14: Does the NYT article have a title?
 * The nature of the source described in ref 19 is unclear.

If possible, please help us be reviewing one of the items in the WP:PR backlog. We are very short of reviewers at the moment, and any assistance would be most welcome. Brianboulton (talk) 21:35, 14 August 2010 (UTC)