Wikipedia:Peer review/William Henry Harrison 1840 presidential campaign/archive1

William Henry Harrison presidential campaign, 1840
I've listed this article for peer review because… I'm planning to take it to FAC and would like feedback.

Thanks, Wehwalt (talk) 23:49, 6 August 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Brianboulton
I've long been interested in this particular election, and am very pleased to see this article being expanded and developed. Before submitting the usual list of prose/punc quibbles, I have a few general issues:
 * "and never stopped running for president after that": This wording makes Harrison sound like one of those serial candidates such as Clay or, more recently, Stassen. I don't think he was in that bracket; after all, he only lived through one more election. According to my sources, after his relatively strong showing in 1836, elements of the Whig leadership agreed that Harrison should be their "candidate by continuation"  with the 1840 election in mind.  That's a slightly different implication from the one given.
 * That specific "by continuation" quote seems to be from Seward, and it's quoted in full on p. 41 of Gunderson and in part on p. 48 to the effect "Since his defeat in 1836, Harrison had waged a campaign 'by continuation'." I will add "until he won it" or some such.--Wehwalt (talk) 17:21, 12 August 2017 (UTC)


 * Lead: "the most famous such slogan in American presidential history." Text: "the most famous presidential campaign slogan ever". Slight difference - I think I'd insert "campaign" into the lead phrase. The use of the superlative requires some specific attribution.
 * Added to the body, and I think the lede is suitably derivative of that.--Wehwalt (talk) 17:34, 12 August 2017 (UTC)


 * You refer to the increase in the franchise, "which by 1840 was allowed to most white males, even poor men".  Not sure about "most", or "allowed"; also there was I imagine a minimum voting age.
 * "most":  The total vote was 2.4 million, which on an 81% turnout indicates a total electorate of about 2.9 million. The US population in 1840 was about 17 million (not including Native Americans), of whom presumably about 8.5 million were males. Even after discounting those below voting age, the electorate looks to be barely half of the male population, so I suggest replace "most" with "many more".
 * "allowed": this word suggest that voting was by permission, rather than a right extended by law.


 * Your quotation from Ogle's "Golden spoons" speech is quite short. I have a longer and much more colourful extract. In view of the importance if this mis-characterisation of Van Buren to the campaign, it might be worth adding more, if your source provides it – otherwise, I can supply some meaty phrases.
 * If there is a section that you particularly like, I will be happy to add it.
 * Here's a chunk to consider: "If he is vain enough to spend his money in the purchase of rubies for his neck, diamond rings for his fingers, Brussels lace for his breast, filet gloves for his hands, and fabrique de broderies de bougram à Nancy handkerchiefs for his pocket—if he chooses to lay out hundreds of dollars in supplying his toilet with 'Double Extract of Queen Victoria', Eau de Cologne, Corinthian Oil of Cream ... if, I say, Mr Van Buren sees fit to spend his cash in buying these and other perfumes and cosmetics for his toilet, it can constitute no valid reason for charging the farmers, laborers and mechanics of this country with bills for HEMMING HIS DISH RAGS, FOR HIS LARDING NEEDLES, LIQUOR STANDS, AND FOREIGN CUT WINE COOLERS". (Caps in the original) Quoted in Boller, Paul F. Jr.: Presidential Campaigns (1984). Oxford University Press, New York ISBN 0-19-503420-1. Page 69. Up to you whether you use all or any. Brianboulton (talk) 23:32, 13 August 2017 (UTC)


 * Some of the detail in the "Aftermath" section seems to be outside the scope of this article, e.g. Harrison's slow progress from Ohio to Washington in Jan-Feb 1841, or Tyler's age on assuming the presidency.
 * The progress is relevant to Harrison's health. He got very little rest after starting his trip. I think the age helps draw the contrast between Harrison and Tyler. We don't have time to go into Tyler in detail, but I don't think the age irrelevant.--Wehwalt (talk) 17:34, 12 August 2017 (UTC)

I'm beginning my prose review now - more comments soon. Brianboulton (talk) 16:39, 12 August 2017 (UTC)
 * Many thanks, looking forward.--Wehwalt (talk) 17:34, 12 August 2017 (UTC)


 * General prose comments (first few sections):
 * Lead


 * "continued" rather than "did not stop"?
 * I've noted your concern. I like it but if another reviewer also flags this, I'll probably change it.


 * Comma after "At home"? (AmEng convention might be different)
 * The "Democratic paper in Baltimore" was apparently called the ''Baltimore Republican"!
 * Mentioned in the body ... too much distraction for the lede.
 * William Henry Harrison and Tippecanoe


 * I'd delete "who would be" from the second line
 * "seeking another position with his government connections" – "through" rather than "with"
 * "the Indiana Territory was split off" – from what?
 * "though by 1840 the structure was subsumed into the mansion that stood on the property." Some excess verbiage here. I suggest a semicolon after "log cabin", then: "by 1840 this structure had been subsumed into a large mansion".
 * "Native Americans" become "Indians" in paragraph 3
 * I think it's still proper to use both terms. It's the sort of thing that if someone changes it, I won't revert.


 * The link on Prophetstown currently goes to a disambiguation page. There are three "Prophetstowns" in rapid succession – the last could be "the town".
 * This sentence: "Tecumseh was killed and U.S. control of Detroit (which Harrison had taken from the retreating British) was not threatened in the remainder of the war, which Harrison exited a hero" seems to need either extra punctuation, or a slight rewording; too much at present in a single breath.
 * Candidate in 1836


 * "Harrison's military career was an asset to him in his postwar political one": I'd prefer "life" to the somewhat clumsy "one" – but how much of an asset? A term in Congress, a "brief term" in the Senate, and a number of subsequent electoral failures doesn't spell overwhelming success. Perhaps "initially an asset"?
 * "in the time thereafter" sounds indefinite. In fact, he was back in politics quite quickly, as your narrative makes clear, so I'd modify that to "for a while" or some such.
 * "but resulting" → "which resulted"
 * "...a long series of receptions, dinners and speeches in thanks for same..." I don't understand the last four words.
 * "Harrison was the leading Whig candidate". Add "in the 1836 election".
 * Convention


 * Maybe the heading should be "Convention 1839"?
 * I've changed it to Nominating Convention. I think the year will be confusing.


 * To avoid possible ambiguity I'd say "to be held at Harrisburg, Pennsylvania" rather than "for..."
 * "States were allocated two delegates for each electoral vote cast." Needs a little more explanation for the uninitiated, such as "States were allocated two delegates for each electoral vote to which the state was entitled, this being determined by its size".
 * I've modified it slightly, but I'm not certain the explanation is needed after last year.


 * "Stevens intentionally dropped the letter while walking among the pro-Clay Virginia delegation, with the result that the Virginians announced Harrison was their second choice..." I presume that "the result" came from someone picking the letter up and distributing its contents, rather than from Stevens's act of dropping it.
 * Comma after "Horace Greeley"?
 * In the last paragraph it should be made clear that none of the candidates were aware of the outcome until after the convention was over. Thus, Clay's apparent magnanimity was illusory (he obviously expected to win).
 * I've put it a bit earlier.

Continuing... Brianboulton (talk) 16:48, 14 August 2017 (UTC)
 * A couple I wound up thinking about overnight but I think I've addressed them all now.--Wehwalt (talk) 11:58, 15 August 2017 (UTC)

Here's the rest of it (as reagen nearly said):


 * Hard cider and log cabins (December 1839 to March 1840)


 * "If the Whigs did not leave Harrisburg completely united, they were within weeks of the convention". Ambiguous at present. You could replace "were" with "achieved this"
 * "his views on the issues" is as bit opaque – "the main issues of the day" would be clearer.
 * "This hit home..." Paras shouldn't begin with a pronoun
 * "How the Whig response came to be is uncertain": The Whig "response" (to the intended taunts in the Republican) was simply to turn the tables on the taunters by adopting their imagery as a matter of pride. (In the same way, during WW1, the British soldiers adopted the name "Old Contemptibles" after the Kaiser had sneered at the "contemptible little British Army"). There does not seem to be any uncertainty about this. As Paul Boller puts it: "Whig leaders quickly turned the sneer into a slogan and began presenting Harrison as the log-cabin-hard-cider candidate who, unlike the high-falutin Van Buren was plain, simple, down-to-earth and very much of, by and for the people".
 * I've changed it to"the origins". I was actually thinking of this during the "deplorables" last year but the press didn't seem to pick up on 1840 ...--Wehwalt (talk) 16:10, 15 August 2017 (UTC)


 * "waves of laughter careened across the nation": This sounds like exaggerated journalism rather than encyclopedic writing. It can't be literally true; "widespread amusement" is as far as I'd go.
 * "the first—and the most famous—slogan any presidential campaign": is there an "in" missing before "any"?
 * Keeping the ball rolling


 * "Much of the money came from those who would benefit by the internal improvements to transportation that were backed by the Whigs, such as land speculators." I'd turn the sentence over slightly: "Much of the money came from those, such as land speculators, who would benefit by the internal improvements to transportation that were backed by the Whigs."
 * "In addition" seems to be a verbal redundancy.
 * There is a link for kickback (for those innocent in the ways of the world).
 * "The huge crowds that Harrison's campaign rallies attracted were unprecedented, though Jackson's campaigns for the presidency had provoked rallies on a smaller scale". "Provoke": to stimulate or incite someone to do or feel something, especially by arousing anger in them" (OED). Surely not the right word?
 * Comma required after "he needed to speak out". The second "Harrison" in this sentence could be a pronoun.
 * "accused of being an abolitionist" – by whom?
 * Is "gawk" encyclopedic? It carries connotations of a mindless, stupid stare, which maybe isn't fair to all those who simply wanted to see the candidate.
 * Final days (September to November 1840)


 * Not wishing to be pernickety, but... isn't "hobnob" a trifle informal for the encyclopedia?
 * "meeting Harrison in person" – do we need "in person"?
 * Election 1840: Whig victory


 * First line: "held...held"
 * "was held beginning" seems clumsy. Why not "began"?
 * "was rushed home" – unnecessary passive (and also maybe trivia?)
 * "he not only won his home state, but his home county (Hamilton)": the "not only" wording is strange, sice both these outcomes were surely expected? "Not only" would seem to apply if he had lost these.
 * Not a major point, but it's difficult to assess the extent of the swing in Kentucky district without knowing the total vote cast.
 * That's all the detail I have.
 * Aftermath ("... and Tyler Too")


 * Perhaps note Fillmore as a future president
 * "he proved to oppose" → "he opposed"
 * I've difficulty with the penultimate sentence: "Tyler vetoed two bills to establish a national bank, and though Whig leaders wanted such a bank, they saw political advantage in a breach with Tyler as well." Surely it's because the Whig leaders favoured the national bank that Tyler opposed, that they wanted a breach with Tyler? Thus: "Tyler vetoed two bills to establish a national bank.  Whig leaders, who wanted such a bank,  saw political advantage in a breach with Tyler. In September 1841..." etc
 * Assessment


 * first line: needs "it was" before "first to be a grassroots campaign"
 * "the candidate speechmaking" → "the candidate's speechmaking"
 * "Log Cabin campaign" – caps?

That's it. A typically thorough and careful account (though the song remains a pain). Brianboulton (talk) 16:00, 15 August 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you indeed. I was wondering what you would think of the song. I guess after the third mug of hard cider no-one cares anymore...--Wehwalt (talk) 16:41, 15 August 2017 (UTC)