Wikipedia:Peer review/William Pūnohu White/archive2

William Pūnohu White
I've listed this article for peer review because…I have been trying to get this through FAC but have only gotten a few supports. They have failed each time due to not enough people not commenting/reviewing. Instead of putting this on FAC for a fourth time and playing the waiting game there. I can’t anyway. I am starting another peer review as recommended by a coordinator to ask people to look into this article and review it for another possible attempt at FAC. Image reviews and source reviews have been done. I just need help or input for prose and other areas of improvement.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, KAVEBEAR (talk) 11:16, 18 August 2018 (UTC)


 * Quick table comment
 * The table could do with reformatting to give it appropriate row and column scopes as per MOS:DTT (a how-to guide to help meet the requirements of MOS:ACCESS). If you have any issues following it, ping me back. Harrias  talk 13:04, 18 August 2018 (UTC)
 * How does this look?KAVEBEAR (talk) 01:26, 20 August 2018 (UTC)

ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS???KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:42, 27 August 2018 (UTC)
 * Two quick comments:
 * 1: The early life and family section gets a bit bogged down in pronouns, as it isn't immediately clear at several points whether 'him' or 'his' refers to White or to one of his relatives. Also, the information contained in the quotation from Ka Nupepa Kuokoa could be better incorporated into the text: I suggest beginning with the most distant, ancient one of White's notable Hawaiian relatives and moving forward through the others up to him, rather than first mentioning his grandmother, then his great-grandfather, then that great-grandfather's own complex genealogy. Perhaps consider creating a new article about Kaiakea, if you have access to sources about him and consider him sufficiently notable.
 * 2: Much of the 1901 legislature section, while presumably important to Hawaiian history in general, seems to have little relevance to White in particular. Please consider trimming this section of unnecessary detail and making clear which faction White belonged to and what role he personally played in the acts of the legislature. I suggest that you remove the block quote, if the author is not specifically addressing White.Genericusername57 (talk) 21:59, 13 October 2018 (UTC)