Wikipedia:Peer review/William S. Clark/archive2

William S. Clark
This peer review discussion has been closed. Considering nominating this for FA. Would appreciate any comments/suggestions to improve the article.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Historical Perspective (talk) 12:51, 10 September 2011 (UTC)


 * Comments from Jappalang

Lede
 * "William Smith Clark (July 31, 1826 – March 9, 1886) was a professor of chemistry, botany and zoology, a colonel during the American Civil War, founder and first functioning president of the Massachusetts Agricultural College (now the University of Massachusetts Amherst) and president of Sapporo Agricultural College in Japan (now Hokkaido University)."
 * This seems to be an overload of the senses for the first sentence alone. It would be best to perhaps list his most prominent achievements first and separate things into more sentences, such as:
 * "William Smith Clark (July 31, 1826 – March 9, 1886) was the founder and first functioning president of the Massachusetts Agricultural College (now the University of Massachusetts Amherst). He was also the president of Japan's Sapporo Agricultural College (now Hokkaido University).  A professor of chemistry, botany and zoology, Clark took up arms and fought for the Union during the American Civil War, attaining the rank of colonel."
 * Regardless, it seems as if the first paragraph is summarising the second and third (summarising a summary); I think a rewrite of the lede is in order. The entire lede should summarise the article, not itself.


 * "Hokkaidō"
 * Why is the macron form used (this applies to the later uses as well)? Wikipedia uses the common English names of the subject if such names exist.  Hokkaido is the common form used in the English language.  See WP:COMMONNAME, WP:DIACRITICS, and Manual of Style/Japan-related articles.

Education and early career
 * "... graduating Phi Beta Kappa in the class of 1848."
 * This seems wrongly phrased. I am used to hearing "graduating/graduated with XXX honours/degree".  I am not familiar with "graduated ".  He was accepted into PBK because of his results.

Family
 * "Harriet Williston was the daughter of William and Clarissa Richards, ... Their father died in 1847 in Hawaii and Williston adopted both children."
 * What happened to her mother? If her mother was still alive, why could Williston adopt her?

Civil War
 * "Maj. Gen.", "Lt."
 * "Major General" and "Lieutenant" please. Not all readers are familiar with military terminologies.  See Manual of Style/Abbreviations.


 * "The cannon is today mounted inside Morgan Hall at Amherst College."
 * The problems of using "today/now/currently" in articles. The cannon is now in Raleigh.  It is best to avoid using such words (See WP:DATED).  The gun is a prime candidate for a photograph to be used in this article, I must say though.


 * "He therefore resigned his commission and returned to Massachusetts."
 * What was the reaction (military and society) to the resignation of a "Hero" from the army?

Massachusetts Agricultural College


 * "Once MAC was established, ..."
 * The acronym should have been stated next to the first use of the full name per Manual of Style/Abbreviations.


 * "He resigned his commission with the 21st Massachusetts Infantry a month after MAC was voted into existence by the Massachusetts Legislature."
 * So did he resign because he "sought to play a key role" in MAC, or because he was "'disheartened and dissatisfied' with the government and the army"?

Japan
 * "... to establish SAC."
 * Same point of abbreviations as above


 * "Despite the fact that teaching of the Bible was forbidden in government schools, ..."
 * Suggestion: "Although the Japanese government prohibited the teaching of the Bible in government schools, ..."


 * "During his stay in Japan, Clark examined its flora, and was the means of introducing new species of shade trees into the United States."
 * Suggestion: "During his stay in Japan, Clark examined the local flora, and introduced new species of shade trees into the United States."

Later career
 * "... buried in Amherst's West Cemetery."
 * Sounds like a nice photo opportunity (if his original tombstone/grave still exists).

Legacy
 * Are there any Japanese sources that can vouch for "'Boys, be ambitious!' is 'almost immortal in Japan'" and "Clark's name appears on, 'schools, buildings, shops, confections and countless tourist souveniers'"? Although Wikipedia's preference is for English sources, I feel this sort of assertion of importance in a foreign country should be equally borne by that country's sources as well.


 * "Both universities maintain exchange programs through numerous academic departments today."
 * Sources? Also note the validity of "today" if said programs are terminated.


 * "In recognition of this fact, and of Clark's role in establishing the two colleges, the University of Massachusetts Amherst and the University of Hokkaido became sister universities in 1976. On February 7, 1990, further extending this bond, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the prefecture of Hokkaido became sister states."
 * http://sapporo.usconsulate.gov/wwwhsistercity.html only states that Hokkaido and Massachussetts are sister states. It does not state that this was done in recognition of any relationship between the two universities.  Ascribing such a statement to the Consulate would be original research.


 * "To mark the 100th anniversary of Clark's arrival in Sapporo, the statue of Clark at Hitsujigaoka observation hill was built in 1976. Etched on the base of the statue are Clark's famous words, "Boys, Be Ambitious." The site is a popular tourist destination."
 * Where is the source for these statements, especially "popular tourist destination"? http://media.umassp.edu/massedu/international/WSClark.pdf does not back any of this up except that the statue exists at Hitsujigaoka (through a photograph).

I think the more serious issues are the information that is not backed by the cited sources. A brush up of the prose would also be a good idea. Jappalang (talk) 13:25, 17 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much for these helpful comments. I will get to work over the course of this week in making the revisions. Historical Perspective (talk) 19:20, 20 September 2011 (UTC)

Still working on this. I wanted to leave a "progress report" and again thank you for the comments. Your suggestions have definitely improved the article, I think. I have done the following: That's where I am at present. Thanks again. Historical Perspective (talk) 18:18, 3 October 2011 (UTC)
 * I have re-written the lede, eliminating the redundancy you noted and also making sure it more adequately summarizes the article (previously it did not as some section had been added since the lede was written).
 * I eliminated the macron form. Not sure how that got in there to begin with.
 * I have, actually, read the expression "graduated Phi Beta Kappa" in a number of places, but it's probably not very good grammar. I have changed it.
 * I clarified re: his mother-in-law's whereabouts when his wife was adopted by Williston.
 * I have spelled out the abbreviations (I was following the Military History guidelines on rank which is to use the full title once and then the abbreviations...but I understand that in a non-military article that could be confusing).
 * I fixed the "today" issue with the cannon and inserted a photograph of the cannon. That was a great suggestion as that section really needed a photo.
 * As for the MAC and SAC acronyms, they are spelled out fully up in the lede.
 * With regard to his leaving the army at the same time the MAC was established, I reworded and hopefully it not longer reads as though his army resignation was caused by the establishment of the college. Personally, I believe there was a connection, but I don't have documentation for that.
 * I inserted your suggested copy edits in the Japan section.
 * On the gravesite, I do not have a photo. I don't get to Amherst often, but I will try to get a photo at some point.
 * I am presently hung up on the Japanese source re: his "almost immortal" presence in Japan. I am trying to find some histories online that were published in Japan but not in Japanese. Working on it, and confident that I can find one when I find a bit of free time...
 * No problems. That said, I hope you would not mind my crop of your photograph of the cannon (having the bannister as the central item seems to distract from the cannon).  Jappalang (talk) 01:36, 4 October 2011 (UTC)


 * Thank you for the crop on the cannon photo. That does look better. I think I've resolved the last of the issues, specifically the four citation issues you listed:
 * For a Japanese source confirming Clark's fame there and the legendary status of his "Boys, be ambitious" quote, I have cited the Japanese National Tourism Organization webpage about Clark's statue. It is an official agency of the Japanese government.
 * I have added a UMass website source further describing the student and faculty exchange programs.
 * As for the sister college and sister state relationship evolving from Clark's historical influence, I have added two more citations, one, the above UMass article which describes the historical connection, and also cited the pamphlet on the William S. Clark Memorial by Tuttle which describes the progression.
 * To support the Hitsujigoaka Hill site as being "popular" I again cited the Japanese National Tourism Organization.
 * I think this should do it. If you have any further comments let me know.  And, again, thanks for the review. Historical Perspective (talk) 20:24, 9 October 2011 (UTC)