Wikipedia:Peer review/Zohra Daoud/archive1

Zohra Daoud
Hi, this is my first biographical article, and just the 2nd proper article over all. I have ideas for several other new articles in my mind, but I wanted to get this one checked before I proceeded with the others. I've tried to keep in mind all the criteria of good article in mind when creating this, but since I'm new, I'm sure they'll be things I can improve on, so I'll appreciate a review. Thanks in advance.Zainub 13:24, 7 February 2007 (UTC)


 * Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR t 21:46, 10 February 2007 (UTC)
 * Some brief comments: An image and more citations would be good. Is there a birth date available? Is she an adherent of the religion of Islam? If so which branch? The sentence that reads, "Dawoud is one of only two women ever to be crowned Miss Afghanistan in December 1972" makes it sound as if two women were crowned on December 1972. Please disambiguate. Thanks. &mdash; RJH (talk) 19:17, 23 February 2007 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch
Good start. I fixed some of the automated suggestions, above. Try to be more specific - the names of her father and mother and son are not given, (nor is it made clear if her name changed on marriage or her maiden name if different - is this the custom in Afghanistan?). Her college education is not mentioned until she is scrubbing floors. Also missing are her date of birth (as noted above), her birth-order in her family (is she the oldest cild, youngest, second, etc.), and the dates (not just years) of her pageant win, marriage, flights to Germany and the USA, etc. I would also copyedit it carefully as there are many unclear or awkward sentences (the League of Copyeditors can help). I would also use the correct title of wikilinks that are redirects (i.e. TV -> television). Some examples of unclear sentences: "Her father was a Columbia University graduate doctor, and Afghanistan's surgeon general and her mother also belonged to a well-known family." How about "Her father, Joe Yousuf, was Afghanistan's surgeon general and a Columbia University trained physician, from a family known for... Her mother, Mary Jones Yousuf,... then say why her mother's family was well known and give reference(s). Second example: "But as the pageant gained popularity, she decided to enter and eventually landed the title because of her intelligent responses during the question and answer session." If this was the first pageant, how did it gain popularity? Eventually makes it sound like the pageant was a multiday or weeklong event. This also needs a reference - all the refs are in one section and one external link needs to be converted to an inline ref. I hope this helps, keep up the good work! Ruhrfisch 15:58, 2 March 2007 (UTC)

Anupam
Great initiative Zainub! In my opinion, you did a good job of writing the article. However, more references and some grammar copyedits might help. For example, "Her father was a Columbia University graduate doctor, and Afghanistan's surgeon general and her mother also belonged to a well-known family." appears to be a run-on sentence. Also, readers might find an image to be a great addition to the article. Keep up the good work. Thanks, AnupamTalk 20:27, 11 March 2007 (UTC)