Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2010 August 11

User:BruceLyman/new article name here
Thanks for any feedback on this entry - my first.

BruceLyman (talk) 00:14, 11 August 2010 (UTC) The format needs adjusting. THe photo needs to be on the right side, with text down the left, for example. You also need to have some simple biographical data (born, died, where from, etc.) under the photo that matches the format of similar articles elsewhere.
 * Robertsullivan1973 (talk) 06:36, 11 August 2010 (UTC)RobertSullivan1973


 * Note, now live as Herbert Money


 * You should not put external links in the body text - such as;

His mentor was Professor James Shelley


 * (I removed that one). External links should only be used as references (WP:CITE) or in a special section == External links == at the end, and only then according to the WP:EL policy.


 * For an internal link to another article, called a "Wikilink", you should use code such as e.g. [[sausage ]]. For example, I changed;

...on 11 January 1928 in Cajamarca, Mackay had arrived in Peru...

to

...on 11 January 1928 in Cajamarca, Mackay had arrived in Peru...


 * It needs lots more inline citations - the information has to be verifiable; you need to say where the facts come from.


 * That is especially critical for any non-neutral claims, such as had a signficant and lasting impact on the growth and life of the evangelical church - any such claims definitely need a solid independent reliable source.

 Chzz  ► 17:35, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Andrew D. Hurwitz
This is a new article by a first-time creator. Please review so the "new article" template at the top of the article can be removed. Thanks!

Shanemham (talk) 04:38, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

This looks pretty good. Do you have a headshot of the man you can put on the right side? Under the headshop, you need to stick in some basic biographical data (born, educatated, married, etc.) to make it match most of the other bios.
 * Robertsullivan1973 (talk) 06:40, 11 August 2010 (UTC)RobertSullivan1973

Thanks for looking. I am working out the licensing issues with the head shot, and at that time I will create a sidebar with all of the appropriate biographical data. Shanemham (talk) 07:25, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * You should not put external links in the body text - such as;

He was a partner at Osborn Maledon


 * (I removed that one). External links should only be used as references (WP:CITE) or in a special section == External links == at the end, and only then according to the WP:EL policy. So please remove or change others, as appropriate.


 * Some information lacks references; "Any material challenged or likely to be challenged must be attributed to a reliable, published source using an inline citation." WP:V.


 * In particular, I was concerned about giving the names of children - see WP:NPF - so I removed those. They might not want their names on Wikipedia...and are not 'public figures', I don't think. I'll leave you to decide about his partner...


 * Be careful to keep a neutral point-of-view. For example, he was best known as one of the most skilled appellate specialists in Arizona is unreferenced and not neutral. Perhaps his most notable case is opinion, not fact.

 Chzz  ► 17:46, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Bulgarka nature park
Hello. I am Robert Sullivan, an American Peace Corps volunteer working with the Bulgarka Nature Park office. This is my first article for wikipedia and I welcome (and need) useful comments about it. I expect to revise and expand the article in the future. I have references but I need to master the references format. Thank you.

Robertsullivan1973 (talk) 06:27, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * It's pretty good, but you need references to prove its notability and accuracy. You can add them by...


 * Also, since you're affiliated with the subject, you should be careful to be neutral(WP:NPOV) and avoid puffery(WP:PUFF). You should try to add links to it from other articles that mention it, EX. Bulgarka nature park (made with Bulgarka nature park ) lies on the southern edge of the city. Good job though! シ ☏ 17:33, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for your help - I have now established a list of references for the article. Robert Sullivan, Peace Corps Voltr. (talk) 07:38, 16 August 2010 (UTC)RobertSullivan1973

User:Radu rzv/ Bell Packaging
Would somebody review this draft please as I had another one deleted because it sounded as an advert. Thank You!

Radu rzv (talk) 10:34, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * The article doesn't meet the notability criteria of WP:CORP. - Reconsider !  12:18, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Laarbi Bouraada
Hi, this is my first english entry to Widipedia and wish to have your feedbacks about it, so that I can improve next.

Wansharissi (talk) 11:00, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * It has no references at all. Therefore, it has been proposed for deletion, per WP:BLPPROD. See WP:FIRST, WP:GNG.  Chzz  ► 17:55, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * If you add some reliable references that will prove that the article is accurate within one week, it won't be deleted. See below for how to do so. シ ☏ 18:06, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Saw this article and wanted to help. I added an outside reference and an external link from reliable sources. AuthorAuthor (talk) 02:17, 14 August 2010 (UTC)

User:Lmitro2010/Dr Harvey Silverman
This is my first time adding a person to Wikipedia, and the original few drafts were considered too promotional. User Fastily advised me to get feedback on this latest draft to see how it might be ready for Wikipedia inclusion. On the sources, some articles are over 20 years old and not available from the original publishers online, so we have posted scanned copies of reprints. Please advise any changes needed or if we need any additional documentation. Thank you!

Lmitro2010 (talk) 12:36, 11 August 2010 (UTC) It is still at least somewhat promotional. You should avoid words what are overly positive and maintain a neutral and disinterested tone. Here's an example. The new millennium has brought consumers, advanced technology and the dental profession together with never before heard of opportunities to change self-conscious smiles into self-confident smiles - without shots or drilling. Could be better written as: Today, recent developments in technology have made the concept of cosmetic dentistry without any shots or drilling even closer to reality. Notice how I avoid phrases such as brought consumers(promotional), and never before heard of(peacock). Looks pretty good though - it is very informational. I'll copyedit it after this to try and improve it. シ ☏ 18:20, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much - I'll let Dr. Harvey know. Lmitro2010 (talk) 16:08, 13 August 2010 (UTC)Laurel :)

User:Royal.neighbors/royal neighbors of america
Please provide feedback. Thanks.

Royal.neighbors (talk) 14:13, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * See WP:CORPNAME - you need to sort that issue out, first. Beyond that, see WP:COI and please read WP:BESTCOI.


 * Please read about how to use inline referencing.  Chzz  ► 17:59, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Community Development Finance Association (cdfa)
I have created this page regarding the Community Development Finance Association, cdfa.

I created the page to avoid confusion with another organisation called CDFA in America, and to provide information about the UK community development finance sector which the UK cdfa represents.

Joedumont (talk) 14:27, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * It has no references, and they are essential; see WP:VRS, WP:GNG and try WP:FIRST to get you started.  Chzz  ► 18:01, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

User:Selfrecords/ben john robertson
can you please review and let me know if i have provided enough references for "ben john robertson." he is a new ambient artist

Selfrecords (talk) 14:30, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * No, it does not; it needs independent reliable sources to show notability - see WP:VRS.


 * The notability specific requirement for this is WP:NMUSIC.


 * You should learn to use inline citations.


 * Also, I am concerned about your username, and a possible conflict of interest; so please see the business FAQ. Thanks,  Chzz  ► 18:05, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

UCSB Women's Rugby
I'd like to know how to create categories and make this article more professional

Sydneyy4 (talk) 14:31, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * The article has no references, and those are the most essential requirement; see WP:VRS, WP:GNG. For how to add them, see WP:CITE.


 * Also, it is not neutral; e.g. dedicated to enriching the educational experience etc etc. The facts do not seem verifiable, and appear promotional in tone.  Chzz  ► 18:14, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

User:Cubicaaron/XML Studio
This software is respected and is free to many people in English speaking countries in Universities and Schools.

I have written this article in a manner I'd hope does not fall under your category 'blatant advertising' - I'd welcome your suggestions and pointers before I publish it.

Regards Aaron

Cubicaaron (talk) 15:23, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * It could use more independent reliable sources - such as reviews in newspapers, or something. "w3schools.com" seems to offer tutorials; OK, so they exist, but the existence of info on that website doesn't really show notability; I don't consider it a reliable source with a 'reputation for fact-checking and accuracy' - although you might disagree with me there... you could always check on WP:RSN.


 * I am not convinced that "Editions", "Editing Views" and "Features" per WP:NOT; without independent sources discussing these aspects, they are just listings. The references do not help us verify the facts provided, and the ref. 11 is a press-release, therefore a primary source, which need to be used with great care.


 * Without independent sources to verify, the "Software Features" looks like original research, which is not permitted.


 * I'm sorry if the above sounds somewhat negative, but I hope it gives the idea - which is stated most clearly in WP:VRS.  Chzz  ► 18:25, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Nuremberg Trials-Sons of Haman Coincidence?
Am I standing by all the guidelines?

Ok412 (talk) 15:57, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I've proposed that this be deleted, since it's blatantly original research and is not referenced to reliable sources. -- Orange Mike  &#x007C;   Talk  18:23, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I object to deletion, now that I have fixed the problems. Ok412.

Wicked in Rock
Any feedback would be immensely appreciated. Thank you in advance.

86.22.210.53 (talk) 16:25, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * The article lacks independent reliable sources - see WP:VRS.


 * Also, I suggest you create a user account.  Chzz  ► 18:33, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Anthems (Kerry Ellis album)
Any feedback would be immensely appreciated. Thank you in advance.

86.22.210.53 (talk) 16:26, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * I removed Anthems will chart on the UK Albums Chart the week commencing September 19, 2010. - see WP:CRYSTAL.


 * I removed the unverifiable rumours and 'trivia'


 * I am not convinced that 'Queen Online' is the official site of Queen - can you explain?


 * It needs independent reliable sources. See also WP:CRYSTAL.  Chzz  ► 21:25, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Kerry Ellis
Any feedback would be immensely appreciated. Thank you in advance.

86.22.210.53 (talk) 16:26, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Good article, but as the tag at the top says you need to try and make the tone of the article more neutral - see WP:TONE or WP:POV for more information. Wikipedia articles are supposed to be neutral in tone, not sound like an advertisement. Hope this helps. Chevy  monte  carlo  10:34, 12 August 2010 (UTC)

User:Ddinglebb/Island of Brighton, ON Canada
Hi, This is an article describing the existence of the artificial island of Brighton Ontario. Would appreciate guidance in several areas: 1. Should this article be incorporated in the Brighton, ON wikipedia article? Or is it better as a distinct entry? 2. Any assistance with links and references. I have included quite a few and believe I'm following the wikipedia guidelines, but would appreciate input here. This topic is of considerable interest as it has significant implications to the inhabitants and businesses of the area. I am both an inhabitant and a business owner within this area.

Thanks!

Ddinglebb (talk) 16:47, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * For your first question, that's probably best answered by somebody with more knowledge of the subject - I would recommend asking on the main Brighton, ON talk page. However, a general tip is that if there is enough information about the subject, it's probably better off with it's own article with a brief sentence and link on the main Brighton, ON article.
 * For your second question, try and move the links to the 'external links' section as URLs in the main part of the article is not really encouraged. The references seem to be OK, although you could do with adding some more. Hope this all helps you! Chevy  monte  carlo  10:38, 12 August 2010 (UTC)

Thanks! Am considering changing the title to 'Murray Isthmus' Historical references probably support that as a better title. I appreciate your input and will edit the external links now. Ddinglebb (talk) 13:42, 12 August 2010 (UTC)

SnapStream Server - your feedback needed!
Hi Wikipedians,

I'd really like your feedback on this article. I keep seeing the notice that no one has reviewed it yet. Thank you!

RachEich (talk) 18:29, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

SnapStream_Server but CHANGED see below
Dear Wikipedians, I'm open for feedback on this article as well, please take a look. Thanks a bunch!

RachEich (talk) 18:32, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

SnapStream_Media

Sorry the above was supposed to link to this parent article.

RachEich (talk) 18:33, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * I removed the 'unreviewed' tag; I removed the "overview" heading which is not needed for the first bit, called the lede.


 * I also removed the part SnapStream has continued to innovate and grow in the B2C environment with its Enterprise division. - not neutral and no reliable source.


 * I removed the para about "rolling the mouse" - WP:NOTGUIDE.


 * Please be careful about any conflict of interest.

 Chzz  ► 21:58, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_Island_of_Brighton,_ON_Canada
Promoted this article to the main wikipedia space.

Should it be included in the town of Brighton article? Or possibly, the artificial island article?

I had a review request on my user page version of this article, but wasn't sure if it would be reviewed there, so moved the article to the main space. I hope this is appropriate. Please advise!

The article is about an area of the Town of Brighton where I am an inhabitant and a business owner of a mentioned business, The Timber House Country Inn Resort. I feel it is appropriate to include a reference to this business, and any others located there (there are at least two others - Alexander Well Drilling and Cedardale Campground), given the marketing and logistical challenges caused by the artificial island's isolation from the rest of the municipality of Brighton.

Please advise if any other issues.

Thanks

Ddinglebb (talk) 18:44, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * Firstly, it shouldn't be named Artificial Island of Brighton, ON Canada - see WP:MOSTITLE; it shouldn't have the "ON Canada" part in the title. However, I'm not quite sure what the name should be; what is it actually called?


 * Second, you cannot have external links within the body-text; only as either references (WP:CITE) or in 'external links' - and the latter should be kept minimal, see WP:EL.


 * Thirdly, all the information should have reference(s) to reliable sources; I suspect that some of the info is based on your own personal knowledge, and as such is not appropriate for inclusion; that would be original research. Everything needs to be verifiable.


 * If it is to remain a stand-alone article, then you do need to establish its notability; if that cannot be done, then yes, it would be best as a brief referenced mention in the other articles (probably both the ones you mentioned, but brief).  Chzz  ► 22:10, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

Title - will change to something with required notability, as soon as I figure out how to do so. I don't think any of this info is based on my own knowledge. will add sources have eliminated the external link in the body. Ddinglebb (talk) 03:04, 12 August 2010 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Louisdelavilla/Resin_Wicker
This is my first article. Just wanted to make sure it is fine for submission.

Thanks in advance for your feedback

Urs

Louisdelavilla (talk) 18:58, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * "Encyclopaedia.com" is not a reliable source; instead, it is an 'information gatherer' like Wikipedia itself. You would need to establish why the subject is notable, with several reliable sources, such as books or something. You mention "Outdoor Entertaining Idea Book, by Natalie Ermann Russell" but you don't say which bits come from that...


 * You should use inline citations to show where the facts come from.


 * Possibly, it would be better to work to improve the existing article on Wicker; but if there are other sources about it, then the article could be developed - just stick to facts from reliable sources, avoid any original research.  Chzz  ► 22:16, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vines_of_Mendoza
I have revised this article to address the comments re "written like an advertisement." Can you please advise if the tag can be removed at this time, or if further work needs to occur? I am separately addressing the orphan page tag.

Many Thanks, Sharon

Nieuwenhuis (talk) 19:46, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * The tag on the article still needs to stay there. Consider looking at other articles (although yours would not be as big) such as Microsoft or Toyota. They have sections that tell about the company's past, how it got it's name, and some criticisms of the company itself done by media, or external sources. Looking at your sources, the look solid and I don't see a problem. Feel free to contact me with anymore questions. -- DQ  (t)  (e)  16:09, 19 August 2010 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Ssb756/Steven_Holtzman
Hey There! This is the first time I've written a wikipedia page, and I'd love all the feedback I can get... I would also be thrilled to have all the help I can get! Thank you!!

Ssb756 (talk) 20:43, 11 August 2010 (UTC)


 * I changed a couple of headings from  bold  to action == Section headings ==


 * "Background" has no references to independent reliable sources (newspapers, books, etc); if the facts cannot be verified, they should be removed.


 * "FaceBook' is definitely not a reliable source.


 * IMDB is not a reliable source.


 * Wikipedia itself cannot be used as a reference - only for wikilinks.


 * The reference "orlandosentinel.com" does not mention the person, as far as I can see; nor does "usatoday" or NYT - those articles are about the movie(s), not this person. Notability is not inherited; you've not shown significant coverage in reliable sources about the subject of this article.


 * The last part is not neutral (and also unreferenced), ie Steven can credit his success to his extraordinary ability to adapt quickly to new circumstances and fast paced environments. Steven has several indie films and other projects currently in development.


 * In its current state, I do not recommend making it live, because I suspect it would be deleted under the notability guidelines. Sorry about that.


 * Also, be careful of any conflict of interest, see WP:BESTCOI.  Chzz  ► 22:27, 11 August 2010 (UTC)

User:Wendyfables/Shelley Metz Baumann Hawk
This is a new article that needs to be reviewed. Thank you!

Wendyfables (talk) 21:39, 11 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Reads like an advertisement for a non-notable firm. Sections like "experience" belong in a bid for a contract, not in an encyclopedia article. Read WP:CORP and WP:NOTCONTAGIOUS. -- Orange Mike  &#x007C;   Talk  23:38, 12 August 2010 (UTC)

I have made some changes and deleted several non-notable and non-independent sources from the article. Currently there are 9 notable and independent outside sources for this article, some of which are about awards that the company has been recognized for. After reviewing the links you suggested above, I don't feel that these are "in passing mention" about the company. Rather, they are independent sources verifying that the company took part in a project and it verifies that they are notable within their industry. If this is incorrect, please clarify and I will delete these, as well. Wendyfables (talk) 13:34, 19 August 2010 (UTC)

Wikipedia page for Michael V. Roberts... African-American Pioneer
Please let me know what changes need to be made. This is my first time.

Straios (talk) 00:29, 12 August 2010 (UTC)


 * I guess you mean User:Straios/Michael V. Roberts.


 * It does not have any references to reliable sources; see WP:VRS and WP:FIRST.  Chzz  ► 05:10, 12 August 2010 (UTC)