Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2010 October 18

Rideau_awards
Bob tiwilliger (talk) 01:11, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * The article currently has no references. Please try and add links to reliable, third-party references, preferably using footnotes to display them correctly. Without references, the article is likely to just get deleted for lack of sources. Chevy  monte  carlo  - alt 07:25, 20 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Layona1/The Dragonslayer's Apprentice
Hello,

I have created this draft, which is about a children's novel, and wonder if it needs more material under "Literary Significance and Reception," or any section(s), before it is good to be put into Wikipedia as a regular page. If you have other comments about it, I would appreciate them as well.

Thank you.

Layona1 (talk) 01:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * It's a good start but I think the article's references are dominated by only a few sources. It's best to try and find references for articles from a wide variety of sources - see WP:Reliable references for more information. But other than that, I don't really see anything wrong at all. Nice job! As to your question about the amount of material, I think perhaps more could be added, but only if you have the references to prove it, otherwise I'd just leave it as it is. Thanks! Chevy  monte  carlo  - alt 07:22, 20 October 2010 (UTC)


 * Thank you for the advice. The majority of the references are from the novel itself, because it was convenient for me and gave a base to the article from which to start. I will search for more and more varied sources, and keep this in mind when considering other edits. Thanks again. Layona1 (talk) 22:57, 20 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Ladikit/Flupascrackerbox
Anyone have an ideas for extra information I might need to add?

Ladikit (talk) 05:18, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * As per WP:CITE, other Wikipedia articles cannot be used as references, so please remove those references. Also, I think you need to add more references to the article, preferably using footnotes to display them correctly. If you need any help with that, please send me a message. Thanks. Chevy  monte  carlo  - alt 07:18, 20 October 2010 (UTC)

National Business Initiative
I have created this article about the National Business Initaitve and would value comments before uploading it. Most of the references to our work take the form of articles and News Briefs which are on our webpage.

NatlBusi (talk) 11:02, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * There's a problem with your user name - I added a note to your talk page


 * The article at present sounds too promotional - you have no references other than your own website. You need to find references to reliable sources unaffiliated with you.


 * Please check out Referencing for beginners to see how to properly include references, but please address your user name first.-- SPhilbrick  T  19:06, 21 October 2010 (UTC)

Have implemented multiple changes to deal with reported issues, wish to have further review now
<! Would appreciate further peer review following multiple edits I have made to deal with reported issues. Main article edit I made to make the writing style more neutral - see diff link I have had some peer review feedback and implemented a number of changes - most significant being the changing of the writing style to be more neutral. See diff link for major edit. http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Kindle_Banking_Systems&action=historysubmit&diff=389532654&oldid=389528389

I have inserted references to credible industry sources and external links also. Thanks for your assistance, Regards,Stephen -->

Stiofan.walsh (talk) 13:08, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Neo167/Sambhaji_Bhagat
This article is about a Dalit balladeer from Mumbai, who still has not got his space in Wiki. It is important that people know about him. He is famous and many news sites(times, rediff etc.) have covered his stories. I have added these sites as references. Right now I just have this much information about Sambhaji and am sure that more information will pour in once this article goes online. Can you guys make this article go online? Thanks!

Neo167 (talk) 13:15, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * After a short look at your article, it seems that it could use a bit of further organization. Currently it is one large section about the person in general; it would be good if you organized it into more specific sections. You could, for instance, have sections on the subject's early life, professional work or what he has done or does, or notable comments about him or other's opinions (with references).


 * It is not generally considered good to just add a short page with only one sort of information about a subject; the article as you have it now might be called a stub, though I will admit I have not worked with biographical articles much. It is not quite ideal for the draft to become an article yet, as far as I can see from first glance. You have a very good beginning, though!   Layona1 (talk) 21:46, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

Hana_wa_Saite_Tada_Yurete
How can I improve the page? What other information needs to be added?

Soul Of Dawn (talk) 13:57, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * I think you need to add more references to the article, other than just the discography page you've got at the moment. What about news articles/reviews etc? They're not bad as references, so try and find some of those if you can.
 * Also, I think you need to add something like an infobox, just to summarise the article's subject and make the article look more like a 'proper' and well-formatted Wikipedia article. I hope my suggestions are useful! Chevy  monte  carlo  13:41, 19 October 2010 (UTC)

FAIR MORTGAGE COLLABORATIVE User:JackieVendetti/Fair_Mortgage_Collaborative
I have revised the page based on S. Philbrick comments. Can someone please look and tell me how it is now?

I need also need help with the references section. I want to write more descriptive entries, but I'm not sure how. I do not understand the instructions on the "references page."

I am trying to get this to go public so any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you! Jackie

JackieVendetti (talk) 15:29, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Hummingbird3/Joan_Dye_Gussow
Hummingbird3 (talk) 16:16, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * A few suggestions:

I hope you understand. Chevy monte  carlo  07:54, 19 October 2010 (UTC)
 * As per WP:CITE, other Wikipedia articles cannot be used as a reference, so please remove the Wikipedia references.
 * It's best to use sections to organise your article, rather than the bold font you have at the moment.
 * Try and add some names to the references and external links, like this:
 * |The link's name goes here!

Raw Skincare Draft User:PressedBack/Raw_skincare
Any comments on this draft welcome.

PressedBack (talk) 17:13, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * Hmm... well, I am generally in favour of erring on the side of the natural, but I think this draft article pushes that point of view too far.


 * The statement "The dangers of synthetic chemicals in beauty products is well-established" stood out so I looked at one of the sources that is cited and what it actually says is that many of the ingredients of beauty products have not been tested for safety. That is a different statement.


 * I decided to check one more statement – that Aloe Vera is helpful in treating genital herpes. The source says "Preliminary evidence also suggests that aloe gel may improve symptoms of genital herpes" which is slightly different.  I think it would help to be specific about what has been found or say nothing at all - treating could include many things including a cure.


 * Therefore, my biggest piece of advice is to not go over the top. Don’t hype up what the source says.  You don’t have to quote it word for word, but try to give a balanced summary of what it actually says.  That applies to the whole article, not just the cases I have stated - if I found those issues after just checking those two sources then I am guessing that there are plenty of similar problems throughout the article.


 * Good luck!


 * Yaris678 (talk) 17:46, 20 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Dbnewcombe/Enter_your_new_article_name_here
I want to make sure that the sources I have included sufficiently provide for the notoriety of this article. There is a another team in the same league with a wikipedia page and we want our team to be able to have one as well.

Also I wanted to upload our team's crest/logo to the page and wanted to know the best way to that. I would like to include it in the box at the top right of the page.

Dbnewcombe (talk) 17:48, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * I fear that there's little chance an amateur Rugby club which appears to have never been mentioned in the world except on the pages of its own sanctioning body has little chance of demonstrating wikipedia notability. But by all means, go ahead and nominate your league rival's page for deletion.

--rcousine (talk) 07:03, 19 October 2010 (UTC)

Jeffrey_Scott_Flier
Hello. I just made this page live and would like your feedback. Thank you in advance.

5redfive (talk) 18:55, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * Nice job with the references and the overall formatting (i.e. links, sections etc). I don't often see articles that are this well developed early on, so well done on that. As to improvements, I can't really find any myself, but perhaps someone else will be able to pick up on something. Chevy  monte  carlo  07:47, 19 October 2010 (UTC)

User:Keyzz/Ed_Cash
How can I get a "Personal Information box" underneath the picture?

Thanks!

Keyzz (talk) 20:01, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * I took the liberty of adding a 'musical artist' infobox to the draft, and moving the picture into the infobox; you can use a different infobox if it seems better. You add an infobox, or at least I did, by copying a template from a page that has one. I found this one by searching 'infobox,' looking in the infobox there for lists of infoboxes, and finding a page on 'Infobox musical artist,' from which I coppied the infobox that is now your draft. Layona1 (talk) 02:43, 19 October 2010 (UTC)

Thompson-Nicola_Film_Commission
I work for the Thompson-Nicola Regional District and would like to create a simple page for the Thompson-Nicola Film Commission, which we run. I have no invested interest in this.

TNRD (talk) 23:19, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * It seems the page has been speedily deleted, from the link that you've provided here. Sorry. Chevy  monte  carlo  07:44, 19 October 2010 (UTC)

Bay_Area_Climate_Collaborative
Page for an SF Bay Area non-profit. Feedback welcomed.

Estronach (talk) 23:33, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
 * You definitely need to try and add more references if you can. I also think the 'Vision' and 'Approach' sections need to be looked at for promotional tone, as it sounds like an advert in parts of those sections. I hope you understand. Chevy  monte  carlo  07:41, 19 October 2010 (UTC)