Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 August 15

list of foreign players in Armenia
Draganmkd (talk) 00:33, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Gottlieb Burckhardt
Hi. I've recently expanded this article on Gottlieb Burckhardt, a Swiss psychiatrist, whose main claim to notability is that he was the first physician to undertake psychosurgery on psychiatric patients (he excised parts of the cerebral cortex).

The history of the article is as follows. I wrote a section on Gottlieb Burkhardt for the article Lobotomy (under a different user id, which I've since had blocked, Freekra); you can see the diffs here.

Recently, I thought to move the Burckhardt section from the lobotomy article to the article on psychosurgery as I thought that that was a more appropriate home. When I pasted it in there another user deleted it and pasted it into the stub on Gottlieb Burckhardt.

Liking what I originally wrote I sought to try and convert it into biographical article. The progress can be seen here.

I know the article needs a better lede but I'll hold on that I think until I finish the rest. I guess I'd just like some advice or feedback on how the article reads at the moment and how it could be improved.

Thanks


 * Looking at the other articles I see that this is probably not the appropriate place for an article at this stage of development. Thanks for anyone who took the trouble to look but I can see that you have your capable hands full with many more urgent requests and it is not necessary to comment on this article. Good luck. :) FiachraByrne (talk) 00:00, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

FiachraByrne (talk) 01:29, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Mahamaham_tank,_Kumbakonam
It is on a South Indian temple tank. Feedback most welcome.

S Sriram 01:41, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * The article looks good. Thank you for contributing this to Wikipedia. I have removed the unreviewed template. Miguel AG (talk) 09:20, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Australian_Citizenship_Day
Hi, interested in any feedback about the new Australian Citizenship Day wikipage. I made edits based on suggestions but the most reliable source of information on the day is by DIAC. Most other sources are articles encouraging people to celebrate it in teacher and local council magazines. Australian Citizenship Day, introduced in 2001, is celebrated on 17 September each year. 2011 is the 10th anniversary of the day! 164.97.245.84 (talk) 02:27, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * The article looks good. Keep trying to find third-party sources. I have removed the unreviewed template and I also removed the bolding of the headings. Thank you for contributing this to Wikipedia. Miguel AG (talk) 09:30, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Erwadi fire incident
Article regarding a fire incident where 28 inmates who were tied to chain perished. No free pictures are available for this incident. Your suggestions and feedback are required

Sarvagyana guru (talk) 09:23, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Hyderabad Allwyn Limited
Article about a defunct government owned company. This was once a major enterprise in Hyderabad, India.

Sarvagyana guru (talk) 09:27, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

http://www.rcseng.ac.uk/regional/heads-of-schools/heads-of-school-listing/east-of-england
Liauss (talk) 12:32, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * The article on Neville Jamieson was deleted because of a Copyright violation-- SPhilbrick  T  17:23, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Arthur Davis (gymnast)
I have significantly expanded this entry with facts and references about world champion acrobatic gymnast Arthur Davis. I would like to request a review with an eye to seeing whether the article is now at higher than stub quality. Thanks!

Seandalytx (talk) 12:47, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * It's pretty thin. Please check out Article Layout, to see the preferred format of a lead section and subsequent sections. It would be better written as paragraphs, instead of disconnected sentences, if you can find the material to expand the prose.
 * What does "top Aimee Broncatello" mean? Is it a technical term, or is something missing?-- SPhilbrick  T  17:20, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * OK, I now think it is a technical term, along with "base". However, neither term is in Glossary of gymnastics terms. The terms should be explained.-- SPhilbrick  T  17:32, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SocialFlow
Would like feedback on my article "SocialFlow".

96.239.59.178 (talk) 13:54, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Rahamatullah/Rahamatullah Khondoker
How can I post the above page as a wiki page? I tried to move the page to wiki page, but it is telling that I am a new user.

Rahamatullah (talk) 15:25, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * It isn't yet ready. If it was moved to main space as is, it would probably be deleted.


 * You haven't established Notability. There are zero references to independent sources.


 * Your first article has some good advice.-- SPhilbrick  T  17:13, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Mark Tingdep/Air Techniques, Inc.
Please review to make sure this is ok to make live.

Mark Tingdep (talk) 15:33, 15 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Sorry, but in its current form, it is purely promotional. It will take a fundamental rewrite to make it acceptable. -- SPhilbrick  T  17:26, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Sidney Museum and Archives
Looking for feedback on a new article. Thank you

MuseHistorical (talk) 19:27, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * Although your username hints at a conflict of interest, this does not seem to be shown in the article. Anyway, for your article, you need more third-party sources, meaning that you cannot cite a website that is directly related to the subject being covered. Overall this article looks alright. Thank you for contributing this to Wikipedia. Miguel AG (talk) 09:43, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * I have also removed the unreviewed template. Miguel AG (talk) 09:49, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Zmohr/Committee on Department Methods
I am new to Wikipedia article authorship and would like feedback on this article that I created on the Keep Commission.

Zmohr (talk) 20:50, 15 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Hi Zmohr. This is a very good article and one that is needed as you can see from the list of Presidential Commissions. It is well sourced and if you moved it into the article main-space now it would not be deleted.
 * However, you could improve it somewhat before doing this. The main way that it could be improved is by adding section headings. I would use the following text as your introduction.


 * The Committee on Department Methods, popularly known as the Keep Commission, was appointed by President Theodore Roosevelt in 1905. The Commission was generally charged with improving the administration of government services by investigating the administrative best practices of the day. Specifically, it was charged with examining salary classifications, purchasing procedures, accounting procedures, cost accounting, and generally more uniform and efficient business methods.


 * Below this I would introduce the first section heading. You can do this by entering two equal signs around either side of your heading like this:
 * == Establishment of the Committee ==
 * This produces:

The Establishment of the Committee

 * There are a few other minor issues as well. 1) Put your footnotes after punctuation. 2) The Commission's member were; member should be plural.
 * 3) Wikilinks: wikilinks are hyperlinks to other articles that appear as blue words in the text. If you put double brackets around a word it can form a hyperlink to another article if there is an article of that name in wikipedia. Thus if you put double brackets around Theodore Roosevelt in your article you will get: Theodore Roosevelt. This will help link your article to other articles.


 * I hope that helps. FiachraByrne (talk) 00:28, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Zmohr/Committee on Department Methods
I am new to Wikipedia article authorship and would like feedback on this article that I created on the Keep Commission.

Zmohr (talk) 20:50, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Brskl/Abang (Orangutan)
This is my 1st new article. So far I have only one source material, a journal article, which is cited frequently in my wikipedia article. Any feedback would be helpful. My intention is to update a few other pages with links to this new article and later fill in more detail on Chantek, another Orangutan.

BRS (talk) 21:05, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

User:IcarusGrrl/Dan Rebellato
This is my first attempt at editing Wikipedia articles, I signed up as it seemed strange that Dan Rebellato didn't have a page, when other contemporaries with perhaps less notable academic and dramatic publications/broadcasts do (David Eldridge, Dennis Kelly etc.)

I modelled it on the David Eldridge page, but am not sure it reads very easily. Is there a standard on formatting show titles? I've used academic formatting or close (italics for titles, brackets for publication date, etc.) where possible. Any more info I should provide.

I also think it would be good to give a bit more detail on his work and attitudes under a biography section but am unsure how much I can say with the solid references I have an interview here an article here for example. Lots of quotes about his politics in his work, should that be under a different title other than biography? (neither are on here yet)

And at what point is it ok to publish?

Thanks in advance

IcarusGrrl (talk) 22:15, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Umusic1/Luke_Laird
Umusic1 (talk) 23:33, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

User:J.D.Dillinger/Joe_Mabbott
Hi am writing a new page about an in demand record producer and studio audio engineer from Minneapolis, MN. He has been a part of major independent music recording releases and I feel is notable enough to be included in Wikipedia. I am new to Wikipedia but I feel the information I've presented in verifiable and noteworthy, and perhaps ready to be taken to the next level on the main page.

J.D.Dillinger (talk) 23:44, 15 August 2011 (UTC)

Cecil O. De Loach, Jr.
I have drafted a page for Cecil O. De Loach, Jr. - he is my father - I recognize this creates an inherent potential conflict. I had written several weeks ago regarding adding this page, but have not yet heard back. I have written this because other editors have cited him in their articles, and this page might give them a more appropriate venue for comments and links in their articles. Although several verifiable citations are given, I have requested archived materials to back up statements of fact that are currently not verified in the page, and I continue to scour closed stacks for older historical information.

As a first-time drafter, I am looking for some hints for success. Your edits welcomed.

Thanks --

Michaeldeloach (talk) 00:10, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Pacesetter Novels
The article is about the Pacesetter Novels a collection of books by african novelists. The article describes the series of books and lists the titles published to date, as well as the most notable authors.

Michuk (talk) 03:55, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

User:Askjayaa/SuperSeva Services
I have added osme more relevant links to the article and would request to review it to and advice if I can move it now. Your inputs will be greatly appreciated

Askjayaa (talk) 04:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * Sources that are directly related to the article are not generally accepted in Wikipedia. This article needs more third party sources, otherwise this article may be quickly deleted once you move to the mainspace area of Wikipedia. In other words, do not move this article until you have enough reliable sources. The article's subject's notability may also be in question. Miguel AG (talk) 10:38, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Potturi_Vijayalakshmi
There are not much resources about this author on the web but the author is a notable person in the world of print media. Hence there is a scarcity of web references. Admins can verify with others who have knowledge of contemporary telugu literature. I have read the books of this author and gathered the information from the books. Thanks in advance for reviewing my article.

117.211.83.26 (talk) 07:05, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Untitledplay vedio
180.151.37.131 (talk) 09:15, 16 August 2011 (UTC)