Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 July 10

User:Tcaruso2/New_Exchange_Architecture
Thomas P. Caruso, PhD (talk) 00:10, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * I didn't get far. You said "The name "New Exchange Architecture" was first mentioned in a report..." but I can't find the term in the report. I'm also concerned about Notability, as it sounds like inside baseball. Is anyone other than policy wonks using the term?-- SPhilbrick  T  18:09, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Eguren Ugarte Made some changes as requested by previous editor... please review again?
Hi, just looking for some more feedback and another review!

Typukatch (talk) 00:40, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * I think perhaps an infobox of some sort would be a nice addition. Chevy  monte  carlo  09:11, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Foreign_Correspondent/Manshiet_el_Bakry_Hospital,_Cairo
I am seeking to post this entry on Wikipedia.

Foreign Correspondent (talk) 10:55, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * I really wouldn't move your userspace draft into the main article space without some feedback. I know it can be frustrating to wait, but moving it makes it subject to being deleted.  The whole thing reads like a single news story highlighting one story after Mubarak's resignation - indeed it could be deleted for just that reason.  It needs to be about the hospital, not about how the staff are struggling after the revolution.
 * As for other things: Please don't start each paragraph with a tab or space. Read the WP:MOS and take a look at similar articles to see how articles should be formatted.  Add wikilinks and try to gather references from many reliable sources - truthdig.org might not be reliable.  It was not necessary to include the city in the title since there is no other hospital of that name - therefore, I have moved it to Manshiet el Bakry Hospital.  I wouldn't bother converting Egyptian pounds to US$ unless the source actually says that - exchange rates change and what is $15 today might be a lot different in a year;'s time.  While direct quotes can be useful, phrases such as "according to ..." are discouraged by the Manual of Style.  Astronaut (talk) 17:45, 12 July 2011 (UTC)

User:Stapler80/Gigi Diaz
This is a new page about Miami TV Host Gigi Diaz.

Stapler80 (talk) 13:16, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Mike Hogan (The Cranberries)
- first article - would appreciate feedback - thanks!

Ytopical (talk) 13:45, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * You have a few references, but I do not see any that meet the criteria set out in Notability, specifically If a topic has received significant coverage in reliable sources that are independent of the subject... -- SPhilbrick  T  17:47, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Corf county campsite
can somebody check this Isle of Wight article and check, improve and edit ect. Many thanks.

Xhavnak (talk) 14:12, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * You have one reference, basically confirming existence, but I do not see any that meet the criteria set out in Notability, specifically If a topic has received significant coverage in reliable sources that are independent of the subject... -- SPhilbrick  T  17:52, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

User:14 lyan/Being (novel)
Make sure the structure and vocabulary is good, give ideas for external links/references, say your opinion about the article. Thank you!

14 lyan (talk) 14:35, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * You have zero references. You need to satisfy the criteria set out in Notability, specifically If a topic has received significant coverage in reliable sources that are independent of the subject... -- SPhilbrick  T  17:57, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Brighstone Museum
Another local article, can someone check it over please. Thanks.

Xhavnak (talk) 14:36, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

User:Ankit Maity/Vocation (poem)
Please review the article draft.

Ankit Maity  Talk •  contribs 15:31, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * You have one reference, basically confirming existence, but I do not see any that meet the criteria set out in Notability, specifically If a topic has received significant coverage in reliable sources that are independent of the subject... -- SPhilbrick  T  18:12, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Andrew Jack
This a biography of one of the world's leading dialect coaches, notable for his work on LORD OF THE RINGS, SHERLOCK HOLMES, and BATMAN films. I will appreciate any feedback. (I posted this request on July 8 but it seems to have gone missing since then.)

Kstern999 (talk) 20:13, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Siege of Pelium
Created this article about the Siege of Pelium. I'm fairly new to wikipedia and am planning a project on creating in depth accounts of some of Alexander III of Macedon's less well known battles. To this effect, I created this article. I'm still having some problems though, and I'm still unsure of myself as I do this. This is the second article I've created, and I desire to see what someone thinks of it.

SteveMooreSmith3 (talk) 20:18, 10 July 2011 (UTC)


 * Hello there! This is a pretty cool article, I always love articles about historical battles! Overall, it is a pretty decent article, but I am going to be very picky, so don't get discouraged.
 * First, I would work on the lead some more. Why exactly was this battle notable? What was the outcome? What events did it cause, if any? Basically, the lead should go over the all the main points about the material in the article body. Something else you might want to mention in the lead is that there were no casualties, which is quite interesting. When you have polished up this article, I would highly recommend requesting it to appear on the Did You Know... section of the Wikipedia main page.
 * Second, you need to work on the overall tone. It seems a little to essay like. For instance, in the lead, you could change "It was critical for him to take this pass as it gave him easy access to Illyria and Macedonia, and there was unrest in Greece at this time in Athens and Thebes which required his presence to quell" to "It was critical for Alexander to take this pass as it provided easy access to Illyria and Macedonia, which was urgently needed in order to quell the unrest in Greece at this time in Athens and Thebes." Basically, try to make the tone more formal and less informal.
 * Third, more wikilinks ( example ). Where are Illyria and Macedonia? Imagine that I have never heard of these places, which is extremely likely for the average reader (I know where they are, but most people won't).
 * Fourth: In the infobox, get rid of the "defeated" mention about the Illyrian combatants, it is unneeded. Also, make sure Albania is linked and capitalized in the infobox.
 * Finally, general cleanup. Make sure that references come after punctuation marks, not before (I've made this mistake a lot, so for me it stuck out like a sore thumb!). Also, fill out your citations with the cite template, which should be available in the editing box (it would be under the "cite" option).


 * Overall, it is a good article, and once it is cleaned up I would again highly recommend that you submit it to Did You Know.... If you have any questions, let me know, and if you are interested you can also review the article I'm working on. Good luck,--3family6 (talk) 16:47, 11 July 2011 (UTC)

Carl Schuster
Need help with adding a graphic. I have permission to use it but it doesn't belong in Wiki Commons and I am not auto-confirmed. Tuck (talk) 17:58, 11 July 2011 (UTC)
 * If I read correctly that the graphic exists, and you need help uploading it, then Files for upload is the place to go. If I misunderstood, ask again.-- SPhilbrick  T  22:54, 11 July 2011 (UTC)