Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 May 27

User:Kimsmith36/Mobile File Management
I created this page, but it is the first Wikipedia entry that I've ever written from scratch. I have provided citations, external links and links to other Wikipedia pages. This is a fairly new subject, but related to many established subjects like IT and Computer Software.

Kimsmith36 (talk) 01:58, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * I'm a bit concerned that most/all refs look like primary sources; to establish "notability" you really need to show some truly independent references - such as, perhaps, newspaper articles about it.
 * I tweaked the refs a bit with this edit, see Template:Cite web.
 * There's probably too many 'external links' - have a read of WP:EL - note, in particular, that you shouldn't add an EL unless it adds info that could not otherwise be added
 * Beware of 'corporate-speak' - spam; e.g. allows businesses to manage user access, These solutions can be used as mobile file management - try to rephrase it in plain English.  Chzz  ► 05:16, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * I would put some info. on what file management is, referring to well known resources since mobile file management is an extension of this. Also mention the importance of file management in terms of backup, recovery and in particular the specifics related to mobile devices.

Ian S. Ardern I'm just hoping the article is ready for the "new unreviewed article" label to be removed.
Wadeardern (talk) 03:33, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * It needs inline references to verify each fact; for example,

Ian Sidney Ardern (born 28 February 1954) has been a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) since 2011. A native and resident of New Zealand at the time of his call, he is only the second general authority from New Zealand.

Ardern joined the LDS Church at age 8 after LDS missionaries tracted into his family. His parents, Harry and Gwladys Ardern, did not join the Church until after he and some of his siblings did. He attended the LDS-owned high school, the Church College of New Zealand, where he first met his wife, Paula Judd. After serving a mission in the France Belgium Mission from 1973-1975 he and Paula married in the Hamilton, New Zealand temple on January 17, 1976. They are the parents of four children.\\

...etc. - See WP:REFB.  Chzz  ► 05:19, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Although avoid overciting the same source.... if all of the information in a paragraph comes from the same source, put the citation at the end of the paragraph and not after each sentence. Crisco 1492 (talk) 06:37, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

User:BOK602/DNA consciousness
An article on a new subject not covered elsewhere. I'm seeking feedback on how to publish it to Wikipedia.

This is my first time posting and while I believe my article is correct as to form and content, I may have missed something somewhere so I am requesting some constructive feedback to nudge me in the right direction.

BOK602 (talk) 05:16, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * When you use a reference more than once, 'name it' -

Chzz was born in 1837.

Chzz lives in Footown.

Note that the second usage has a / (and no closing ref tag). This needs a reference section as above; please see user:chzz/demo/namedref to see the result.


 * ...I've just done that, to your draft, for "Grandy, John (2010). DNA and Genetic Engineering. 21st Century Anthropology".


 * Add more wikilinks, e.g.

The theory of DNA consciousness is the proposal that the DNA molecule possesses a degree of consciousness, is responsible for the emergence of neuron-based consciousness, and provides a continuum genetically and epigenetically after the nervous system

...gives...

The theory of DNA consciousness is the proposal that the DNA molecule possesses a degree of consciousness, is responsible for the emergence of neuron-based consciousness, and provides a continuum genetically and epigenetically after the nervous system

...don't go crazy with links (don't link every damn word) but...add links that help understand it. And only link 'em once in any == Section ==

HTH,  Chzz  ► 05:33, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

User: Londonyouthgames/London Youth Games
Hi, please look over and give feedback on this article. I also want advice on how I can get it published live on wikipedia. Thanks

London Youth Games 08:31, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Hi London, first things first you may want to consider writing about something that you don't have a conflict of interest with. It may help you write in a more neutral point of view, which is required on Wikipedia. Other than that, the Games seem notable so no problems there. A few hairs to split, though.
 * You have too many external links, I think. Could you reduce those to only 5 of the most pertinent?
 * You referenced well, but you should try and find sources that are not from the London Youth Games as well. Primary sources are not supposed to be your main sources.
 * Don't forget to add some categories so that people can find your article.
 * I hope that helps. Crisco 1492 (talk) 11:49, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

Aluminium foam sandwich
I created a new page on Aluminium foam sandwich which is a structural material. I am seeking for feedback. Upon acceptance, I will continue improving the page and adding more materials to it. Please help. Thanks.

Metalfoam (talk) 11:13, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Hi Metal, the article looks good and you have succeeded at proving its notability quite well. However, I do have some concerns. First, I am worried that you may possibly have a conflict of interest due to your user name. If not, and you are a big fan of metal foams, I apologize. Other than that, some of your sections need to be wikified better and your tone in places, like "This can be achieved in three ways.", can be unencyclopedic. If you clean it up quickly though, I would be happy to nominate it to appear on the main page in the Did You Know? section. Crisco 1492 (talk) 12:09, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Or you could nominate it yourself, which would be a great way to meet new editors. Crisco 1492 (talk) 12:11, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Hi Crisco, thanks for your feedback. You are right, I am a big fan of metal foam because I have been working on metal foam for last six years as a researcher (not in company if you wonder). I have done my PhD in metal foam. I felt that this material (Aluminium Foam Sandwich) is known long-enough to find its way to Wikipedia. That was my motivation to write this article.
 * I have followed your suggestions and modified the articles. I realized my non-neutral tone in the earlier version of this article, and now I have modified the article. I also took care of the inline citation issue; placed citations where it is most appropriate. I already had many internal Wiki links before, plus I added more now. I also followed the Wiki format for the text. I hope now it is acceptable. I am sure that later other editors will contribute significantly and add more valuable information to this article.
 * Please let me know whether you think it is acceptable now. Metalfoam (talk) 13:10, 17 June 2011 (UTC)

George Pocheptsov
I believe I have created the page and meet all wiki guidelines and cites all reliable sources correctly

GottaGoOtto (talk) 11:40, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Hi Otto, you did a pretty good job. However, you have a few issues to take care of. First, you need to cite the information about his education and whatnot. Also, the two one-sentence sections may be best merged until they are further developed. Also, you may have too many external links. You should consider pruning them and only keeping the most important. Crisco 1492 (talk) 11:58, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

Tom Rockmore
Hi, I think the article is pretty good as is. Would just like someone to quickly look over it for typos, etc.

Mesingd (talk) 16:53, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * It has no references.


 * Anything lacking a reference to a reliable source can be removed. So, don't worry about typo's - worry about adding refs. See Citing sources.  Chzz  ► 02:23, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Mysolace/Jumpdates
Hi, I am a researcher doing studies on the online dating industry and going through some of the early dating site starters that started this business. Please provide your feedback on this article. Much appreciated. Brett

Mysolace (talk) 17:18, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * The references are not good enough to establish notability (see WP:VRS) - sorry; I do know it's hard for 'early web' stuff, but...


 * The website of "Jumpdates" (and archives of it) are primary sources - which can be used, but don't help show notability. The blog on jumpdates is certainly not a reliable source.
 * The 'onlinepersonalswatch' ref doesn't mention jumpdates.
 * The "Top Fifty 100% FREE Dating Sites" doesn't look like a reliable source.
 * The krebsonsecurity link only has it mentioned in a comment posted by a passing user.


 * So, it lacks "significant coverage in independent reliable sources'. You need references to e.g. newspapers, books, magazines or websites such as BBC News or CNN. Several of them - I don't know if that is possible - if it isn't, then I'm sorry, but it's likely to be deleted as 'not notable'. See also WP:CORP / WP:WEB.  Chzz  ► 02:42, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Courtneydford
Hello, my post for NEOS GeoSolutions had previously been removed because of it's all-too-sales like tone. I am interested in someone reviewing my article to ensure I have written a factual piece, with relevant sources, that falls in line with Wikipedia guidelines.

NEOS GeoSolutions is a technology company in the business of finding hydrocarbons and minerals in the earth's subsurface. They are funded by names such as Kleiner, Perkins, Caufield and Byers as well as Bill Gates. The technology they use for exploration purposes is Multi-measurement interpretation which is a new technique that is increasingly recognized by relevant industries. NEOS GeoSolutions also collects airborne data.

Any recommendations are appreciated. Thank you Courtneydford (talk) 17:56, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * I took a look at it and the reason why it sounds to salesy is because you havent mentioned other similar companies in this space. Even if they are not exact by business nature they should have some similar business objectives. Also, I would mention more on the importance of this work as it relates to the environmental or energy issues of today. Brett — Preceding unsigned comment added by Mysolace (talk • contribs) 19:58, 27 May 2011


 * I've moved it to a subpage, User:Courtneydford/NEOS GeoSolutions.


 * NEOS was formed in 2008 when a group of investors extracted the necessary acquisition and interpretation technologies from a natural resource exploration company. - this needs a reference. And, as it is a non-neutral claim, it needs an independent reference (not to something the company wrote) - or, it needs removing.
 * To date, NEOS and its predecessor have spent roughly $100 million to develop advanced remote sensing devices, field deployment systems, and processing and interpretation techniques. - ditto
 * Ref 3 doesn't seem to mention NEOS? And it's used for the very strong claim that By 2008, the company’s scientists had developed unique methods - where can we verify that their methods were unique?
 * In January 2010, the company hired a new CEO – Jim Hollis... this section seems to be unreferenced
 * Passport Capital – as well as from new investors including Microsoft founder Bill Gates and Energy Capital Group - no reference
 * Products & Services - By applying its multi-measurement interpretation methodology, NEOS generates 3-D subsurface models of the Earth in which the distributions of minerals, hydrocarbons, fractures, and lithologies can be probabilistically determined and mapped. - this, in particular, reads like an advert - and, lacks any reference.
 *  Chzz  ► 02:54, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Verb displacement
Would somebody please review and comment? Thanks

Tomo Talk (talk) 18:44, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Interesting little article. But you've got the referencing a bit wrong.


 * You need to put the reference directly after the fact. So, in editing, it'd look something like this;

 Verb displacement as it relates to prose in literature, is a technique used to impart a lyrical or poetic feel to a phrase, sentence, or paragraph.


 * (Assuming that's where that one comes from). Then it'll automatically make your reference into a little numbered footnote.


 * You also need to add a reference for the Hemmingway quote - ie, to whatever book it is from.


 * And, really, you need a couple more references, to establish 'notability' - so, one or two more books, perhaps, which mention "verb displacement". See WP:VRS.


 * For more help on referencing, see WP:REFB.  Chzz  ► 03:09, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Cross Channel Intelligence Community (CCIC)
This is my first time of creating an entirely new article and I would like some feedback in relation to my wikilinks and external links include in the above draft. My subject is about a law enforcement agency that I have heard about that having asked several people, they did not know even existed. Having delved a little deeper there are a lot of people involved in the agency so I have a lot of extrenal links to government websites and the Kent Police website even has a page that mentions the agency. Could you take a look and see if you think it is worth it, or if it will just be taken down? Not 100% sure how it works.

Hmcl1985 (talk) 19:01, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Re. User:Hmcl1985/Cross Channel Intelligence Community (CCIC)


 * You need to add references, so we can see where the facts come from. For example,

The CCIC chair alternates between a UK force and one from the mainland of Europe. The current chair is Assistant Chief Constable Andy Adams from Kent Police – his chairmanship will run until June 2011. An Executive Board of eight senior police officers from the four member countries meets quarterly. Six working groups regularly report to the board.


 * Good references are e.g. newspapers, magazines, books, or 'news-type' websites (BBC, CNN, etc). For help on how to add the references, see WP:REFB.


 * See also WP:FIRST, WP:V, WP:RS.  Chzz  ► 03:19, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Amitabhmitra/Amitabh_Mitra
Please check, I have added new sources for notability

19:22, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

There are still quite a few facts that are unreferenced. For example,
 * He represented South Africa at the World Literature Festival in Oslo 2008.
 * His close friendship with the Maratha royal families resulted in his drawing a series of watercolour
 * A Slow Train to Gwalior is now a coffee table book of his art and poetry
 * He was invited by the Sahitya Akademi, New Delhi in 2007 where he presented his work to a poetry loving audience.

...and lots more. (Those are examples).

For a biography of a living person, it is particularly important to make sure everything can be verified with a good reference. Anything that cannot be referenced should be removed.

Also, there are currently too many external links; see WP:EL. There should probably just be 3 or 4 external links. Perhaps some of them are really references?  Chzz  ► 03:26, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Thanks a million Chzz I understand that there are too many external links They are meant to establish the notability through various newspaper/media publication links, I can always remove a few of them There is a link in the beginning collaborating his visit to Oslo from South Africa Unfortunately there is no link that can confirm his friendship to the Royal families because this happened during the seventies. The Sahitya Akademi Function has been recorded in a site which belongs to Mr. A J Thomas, the then secretary of Sahitya Akademi, I can use the link What do You think of the new links that I have provided, namely the exhibition of Medical Art at the Warwick University Hippocrates Award Function and the translation of Bengali Poetry I am sorry to bother you, but being a novice I still need guidance so that this page develops to the full satisfaction of Wiki

Shubhoshreemitra 08:28, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Dear Chzz I have added links for verifying as you had mentioned Please will you check again and let me know Many thanks Shubhoshreemitra 12:25, 6 June 2011 (UTC)

Please Review my Article
I'm a beginner to Wikipedia and wanted to have this reviewed to make sure I'm on the right track. Thanks for any help.

Laurabarker6 (talk) 19:48, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * I guess you mean User:Laurabarker6/Santa Claus Christmas Store.


 * Please add 'inline references' - see WP:REFB for help with it.  Chzz  ► 03:31, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Okay! Thank you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Laurabarker6/Santa_Claus_Christmas_Store
This is my first time creating an article and I'd like for someone to please review my work to make sure I'm on the right track. Thanks for any help!

Laurabarker6 (talk) 19:50, 27 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Aha! See above.  Chzz  ► 03:33, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Guinunez/Malbec_World_Day
Hello, I think this article is ready to go live, I would appreciate some feedback on it.

Thank you very much

Guinunez (talk) 21:02, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

Hi there - it's a good start, but before it goes live it really needs more references; although you have a few parts referenced, try to get something for each section. Check out referencing for beginners for more ideas. Pesky ( talk  …stalk!) 08:48, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

Ok, I'll check it. Thanks a lot!

--Guinunez (talk) 22:16, 28 May 2011 (UTC)

User:DrACarter/paternity_index
Adding this page for our Laboratory Director. I feel pretty confident that I've got everything formated correctly and that there are enough sources, however, this is my first article on Wikipedia and I'd like some feedback before I request that it be moved to "live".

DrACarter (talk) 21:07, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

Hungarian comics
I created this article about 3 years and I would like to make the most out of it. It got a B class about a year ago, since then I made several changes on it. As you can see, I pretty much concentrate on few articles, so I don't have wide experiences here on WP. This article has very few contributors, so I'd be very grateful to receive some outside opinions! Zoli79 (talk) 21:42, 27 May 2011 (UTC)

Riserless Light Well Intervention
Hi,

I would appreciate if anybody could give me feedback on my article. I was told that it was too technical and I have tried to fix this. I would therefore be nice to get this confirmed before the article is posted. Heijacob (talk) 21:45, 27 May 2011 (UTC)
 * This article has been posted, hence please disregard this request. Heijacob (talk) 13:58, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Lady Loquacious/The Printed Blog
I want to make sure that all of the correct guidelines have been met so that I can publish the page on wikipedia and not simply my userpage. Please let me know what needs to be done in order to remove the "new user article" tag, and publish it properly. To the best of my knowledge, I've followed all of the guidelines, but since this is my first article I'd like to be sure rather than risk it getting deleted right off the bat.

Thanks!

Lady Loquacious (talk) 23:15, 27 May 2011 (UTC)