Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 May 31

User:Trevor coelho/ThinkPad X Series Laptops and Tablets
Hi,

I just created an article for the ThinkPad X Series laptops from IBM and Lenovo. It's part of a series of ThinkPad product pages I'm working on. I'd appreciate any feedback on the page content before I move it to live Wikipedia.

Trevor coelho (talk) 04:09, 31 May 2011 (UTC)
 * I suggest you remove all those quotes from the references; it's too much. We shouldn't quote lots and lots of stuff; Brief quotations of copyrighted text may be used to illustrate a point, establish context, or attribute a point of view or idea (NFC) but you don't need to kinda 'justify' every reference. If the reader wants to check that the fact you've said can be verified, they can have a look for themselves.


 * Consequently, if you do remove all those quotes, you can 'merge' all those refs to e.g. "ThinkPad: A brand that made history" using a 'named reference'. Same for the other 'review' stuff.


 * Also, it needs a WP:LEDE - a kinda introduction/summary and the start. (Read that link)


 * And you need wikilinks. For example,

The first ThinkPad X-series laptop was the ThinkPad X20, announced by IBM in September 2000


 * ...produces...

The first ThinkPad X-series laptop was the ThinkPad X20, announced by IBM in September 2000


 * ...only add links that will help understand the topic (don't 'overlink'), and only link something once in a section. So, you wouldn't bother linking IBM again, in history - only the first time.


 * Hope that helps,  Chzz  ► 04:50, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Sp33dyphil
 * Needs introduction.
 * Refs come after punctuation eg "[30]." becomes ".[30]" Read WP:MOS for further info.
 * Per Chzz, use
 * section headers have two =='s or more, yours have only one.
 * Format references. Visit CITET for info on using associated templates.
 * Title should follow MOS "ThinkPad X Series Laptops and Tablets" → "ThinkPad X series laptops and tablets"; so do the section headers.
 * For measurements, use templates. For example "8.5 by 11 inches", replace it with 8.5 by ; this will produce 8.5 by. Similarly 1.6Kg → 1.6 kg . Use either metric or imperial as the lead measurements, not both.
 * Wikify (wikilink) the article.
 * If you want for feedback, just pop by my talk page. Sp33dyphil  Vote! 10:25, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Question on the Feedback
 * Hi Sp33dyphil,
 * Thanks for the feedback. I didn't understand the bullet about titles. What is "MOS"? Is it a Wikipedia guideline I can read somewhere?
 * Trevor coelho (talk) 11:40, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Yes, we should eschew obfuscation and spell things out. A "Maual of Style" is a set of conventions for a publication that each contributor should use for consistency. WP:MOS is the one for Wikipedia, and it would save time if new editors read it and tried to follow it before publishing. The "Lede" is a section at the start that gives context and summarized the article. All the above are good suggestions. I would add that there is a page for ThinkPad X-series already which redirects to a section "X-series" in the general ThinkPad article, which does not exist! IBM seems to spell it without the hyphen, so we should probably use that consistently. I will fix the redirect. {added later: done} The ThinkPad article has other issues, like inline links instead of citations and using present and future tense for events in the past. Your article needs some work, such as a bit of advertising, but probably there is enough independent coverage to merit spinning this off. I would suggest naming it just ThinkPad X Series since that name is short enough to identify its contents. The "S" seems capital in sources, part of the proper name, so I would disagree with Sp33dyphil, but lower case "series" would probably also be arguably correct. Then someone needs to change the main ThinkPad article to merge the two X Series sections into a summary using the main template. I can help a little as time permits.  Quotes are generally needed when the source is not very accessible (e.g. behind a paywall or written doc only) or controversial. Online sources can usually be located easily enough with searches within the document, for example. W Nowicki (talk) 19:42, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Hi Nowicki. Thanks for the clarification. One point: wherever the ThinkPad products are referred to in a series, "S" is used consistently. It's part of the name (from ThinkPad's time with IBM) which is why I've used it that way. I'll see that other words in the heading follow the Wikipedia style guide, though.
 * About the other points: I'll re-read the article and see how I can knock off advertising and incorporate everyone's else feedback as well - including the citations, which I'll also change for the two other pages I worked on Thinkpad Edge and ThinkPad T Series. If there's anything else I need to do for the article, please let me know.

Hi all, I've made a massive update to the X Series page, changing the structure, cleaning up the links, removing the quotes, and so on. I'd appreciate feedback on whether the page is more effective now and can be moved to live Wikipedia. Thanks. Trevor coelho (talk) 06:23, 21 June 2011 (UTC)

User:ShaynaLaFleur/Alexandra Amor
Shay (talk) 04:11, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Interactive Learning Article discussing the use of technology and social networking in education.
This is a scaled-down version of an article I am working on and hope to get published eventually. Any constructive feedback is much appreciated.

Thank You, Gandalf61 for the insight. I never considered whether my terminology would be considered a neologism. I would really be delighted and a little dejected if it were. I will certainly take this under advisement and make revisions if warranted. Best wishes,Adam

Aboarman (talk) 06:35, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * For the purposes of Wikipedia, one thing that is definitely missing from your article is a reference to one or more sources that show that the term "interactive learning" is used in the sense that you describe i.e. to mean "a pedagogical approach that incorporates social networking and urban computing into course design and delivery". If there are no other sources for this usage of the term (in other words, if it is a term that you have coined yourself) then you cannot write a Wikipedia article about it - see our policy about neologisms. This would not, of course, stop you publishing your article elsewhere, but Wikipedia is really not the right place to develop your own research or original ideas. Gandalf61 (talk) 16:11, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Lorraine Bow Ukulele Teacher http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorraine_Bow
Please can someone approve this article? When it is approved I will continue to edit and improve it over time.

Bigukulelefan (talk) 09:09, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

HQME
HQME stands for "High Quality Mobile Experience".

This is based on the IEEE HQMEWG P2200 to create new enhanced caching standard for mobile devices.

The article is to provide general information about this standard and it's steering committee.

Going forward, as the standard materialize, more information will be added.

Please provide your comments.

best regards,

Yehuda Drori (talk) 09:32, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Usual comment: to prevent deletion, you need to add citations to reliable sources, and establish notability with independent sources. Right now it has no citations at all. There are all sorts of acronyms coined by standards bodies and consortia; most of them are quickly (or slowly) forgotten, and not worth an entry in an encyclopedia. Given what looks like a glaring error (the body says announced in 2001, infobox says 2011), other facts seem suspect. The definition seems a bit buzz-wordy. I have about 30 years experience in a related field and cannot tell what it really is. You need to give context and compare with other related notable efforts that do have articles for example. Although some of those might be low quality too! Wikipedia is not a news site, so saying "newly formed" and speculating on the future should be removed. The project site shows only one meeting so far, and project docs are private. I did a news search and did not find much. So it might make sense to defer this article until it has established some notability. I would suggest putting it into a "sandbox" under your user space, e.g. User:Yehudadr/High Quality Mobile Experience since convention is to spell out acronyms in article names for clarity unless they have gotten into "every day" speech. If it ever gets wider press coverage, or is adopted by products, then it could be moved into article space and might survive. W Nowicki (talk) 20:01, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Klipfontein/Dan Sleigh (author)
Please review my article and provide feedback or remove the 'This page is a new unreviewed article' template from the article.

(The author the article is about is definitely notable: within the Afrikaans literature, and perhaps even world literature (where translated). He is notable because he has won many prestigious literary awards in South Africa.)

Klipfontein (talk) 09:43, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Timcapper/Chudleys#External_links
New to this and would like some feedback on what other sections to add, what do readers like to see.

How do i add a picture, am i allowed to take one from their website of their logo ?

Timcapper (talk) 10:11, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Randytuano/National Anti-Poverty Commission (Philippines)
Requesting for feedback on the new entry. Thanks!

Randytuano (talk) 10:12, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Timyeomans/Shannon Applied Biotechnology Centre
Hi there, this is a new article for wikipedia and I just wanted to get feedback before I move on to posting it live.

Many thanks

Timyeomans (talk) 10:42, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Londonyouthgames/London Youth Games
FAO Crisco 1492 / other.

I have made those changes requested from the previous feedback. Just have a few things to ask:

1. In the interests of avoiding any conflicts of interest, would it be better if I published this article under another username rather than londonyouthgames? I do have another wikipedia account which is unrelated. I am not a London Youth Games employee, I volunteer for them.

2. I would like to upload and add some photos to this article, my londonyouthgames account settings won't let me do it - but maybe my other account will? Can you advise me on doing this?

Regards,

London Youth Games 12:05, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Jane Insulation/Great Northern Insulation This article is on the company Great Northern Insulation
Hello, Just wanted to make sure my article isn't breaking any Wikipedia rules. I would particularly like feedback on referencing. Thanks in advance!

Jane Insulation (talk) 13:38, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Riserless Light Well Intervention
Can anybody please review the article and remove the "unreview" tag. This article was reviewed before it was posted, so hopefully this will be a formality.

Heijacob (talk) 13:51, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Colin J. McInnes
Just hoping that my first page is generally ok and no howling errors. Thanks!

Rjoaber (talk) 14:03, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Zread/ThoughtSpeed Corporation
Hi I'm looking for some feedback on my first article. I'm worried about the notability of the article as well as the neutral point of view. The article is on a software development company called ThoughtSpeed. Please let me know what you think, thank you.

Zread (talk) 14:04, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Sorry, but as you suspected, the article would probably not survive long. It is essentially just an advertisement for the company, as indicated by the trademark symbols and all the present tense. E.g. "continues this tradition into the 21st century" is fine for marketing literature or a paid directory but not an encyclopedia. Since Wikipedia is non-commercial, trademark symbols are not needed, and are avoided by the style manual. Perhaps staying in business with even 9 employees that long might be better than most, but generally the company would need to, say, have a major international presence, have otherwise notable people involved, or wide press covereage. The article on Ken Will might come close, but it seems mostly a testimonial editorial from a friend. Certainly anything from "dropbox" would not be considered an independent reliable source, nor would blogs. It would be helpful to put the name of the publication in the reference to make it clear, but unless you can find independent coverage you might save your energy. W Nowicki (talk) 16:33, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Phoenix, Arizona mayoral election, 2011
Hello

I've written an article on the mayoral election to one of america's largest cities, hoping that I can get some feedback as this is my first article. So I wrote this article over the past few days, and I already have some good resources from reliable sources. As I expand, I hope to add more information along with more references. I would just like some help with formatting (how best to display poll numbers and endorsements for each candidate, how best to categorize information, etc.). Thanks

Cammac1108 (talk) 14:46, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Julian Goins
PLEASE REVIEW MY ARTICLE!  'Julian Goins'

Julian Alexander Goins is an 18 year old light-skinned african-american male dancer, performer and music artist from Los Angeles California, USA.

He is a major and prominent member of the 'Jerking' and Rap/Music crew called ThemPRangers.

Julian Alexander Goins' birthday is on January 27th 1993.

Julian Goins' twitter page is located at http://twitter.com/#!/TheRealJuliann

Julian Goins has collaborated with many well known artists such as Kid Ink.

Julian has a brother, also an artist named 'Kid Ink' and two or more sisters, one of whom is named Chance.

More information can be found about Julian Goins and ThemPRangers in the References and External links below
 * References


 * External links
 * www.themprangers.com
 * 
 * 

Category:Music PLEASE REVIEW MY ARTICLE! Ggpr marie (talk) 15:09, 31 May 2011 (UTC)


 * I'm sorry, but that doesn't meet the notability requirements - see WP:BIO, WP:FIRST.  Chzz  ► 11:28, 4 June 2011 (UTC)

User:Yotayquiero/Neil Lewis (Journalist)
This is the first article I have created, and I want to make sure it's up to snuff so I can move it to the mainspace. I also have only made a few other edits, so may want to be able to request a move if I'm not autoconfirmed yet.

Yotayquiero (talk) 16:18, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Kohler
I'm seeking feedback on this article. Thank you!

Mattkohler (talk) 17:19, 31 May 2011 (UTC)

Steve Marr Business Leader
Hi!

I'm seeking feedback on the page I've created for Steve Marr, a business leader. He is widely published, and I've noted a great number of the articles he's published and have added links for content that is available on the Internet. Is this appropriate and adequate citation/reference? I know that is the biggest issue!

Thanks, Meagan

MeaganG 18:23, 31 May 2011 (UTC)
 * It is a problem, because those are all written by him, not about him. You can reference those, but it doesn't help establish his notability - you need independent reliable sources. E.g. if he's appeared in newspaper articles or something.
 * Remember that the purpose of a reference is so that the reader can check the fact - and all facts should be verifiable.
 * Stephen Douglas Marr was born on October 24, 1949 in Detroit, MI - where can we check that? to Dorothy Treadwell Marr, a homemaker and Robert B. Marr, a businessman. He spent his early years in the Detroit area and attended local schools, graduating from Grosse Pointe High School in 1968. He enrolled in Northwood University and earned a Bachelor of Business Administration in 1972....etc.
 * Keep it neutral. For example, His acumen for business developed at an early age sounds like opinion, not fact.
 * I already removed the names of children, and the 'fact' re. divorce - in accord with policy WP:BLPNAME and WP:BLP in general. All the facts need a reference; anything that can't be referenced must be removed.  Chzz  ► 11:58, 4 June 2011 (UTC)

User:Mickietagle/Doug Willmore
Two Questions Please: 1. How do I make the article public (once I finalize the content and receive alignment from the powers that be)? 2. Also, how do I remove my name from the link? I'd like to be able to refer folks (specially the press) to his wikipedia page without my name appearing on the url address. Is that possible?

Mickietagle (talk) 19:25, 31 May 2011 (UTC)
 * You seem to have gotten the article going, but your desire to refer 'the press' to the article informs its tone, which is overtly promotional rather than neutral, and which may be copied, in part, from other sites. It also suggests a possible conflict of interest, per WP:COI. 76.248.150.238 (talk) 00:45, 1 June 2011 (UTC)
 * Just to be clear, Wikipedia does not exist as a place for you to post pages you want to "refer the press to"; we're an encyclopedia with actual inclusion rules around neutral point of view and notability. Understand that our inclusion rules for political figures do not allow the city manager of a small city (population 16,000) to be considered inherently notable just for being a city manager; to be considered notable enough to be on here, the article would have to be much better written, with much better sourcing, and would have to give a much more credible explanation of notability than "city manager of El Segundo". Having an article on Wikipedia is not an entitlement; things come and go on here according to our rules, not your own personal wishes. Bearcat (talk) 00:53, 3 June 2011 (UTC)

Article has been deleted as Unambiguous copyright infringement.  Chzz  ► 11:52, 4 June 2011 (UTC)

Lee_Jablin Newly posted article needs review.
Lee Jablin is a noted, modern American architect. I wrote an article about him in my user area as a work in progress, but waited to move the article to the main area until I had added my source references. They have been added and I have moved the article to the main area. Now there is a banner at the top of the article saying that the article has not been reviewed, so I am submitting this request to get the article reviewed.

Thanks for your time and help!

Tordeforest (talk) 20:14, 31 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Punctuation goes before a ref, not after it. So,  Chzz likes tea,&lt;ref>Something&lt;/ref> and biscuits.&lt;ref>Something&lt;/ref> (I've fixed those) - see WP:REFPUNCT
 * Jablin holds degrees from Cornell University[27] and Harvard University and was named a Harvard University Fellow. He has received the Eidlitz Traveling Fellowship and the York Prize from Cornell. Jablin has taught at Harvard University, Cornell University and Hampton Institute and lectured at Columbia University. - where are the references for Harvard / Fellow, and the 2nd and 3rd sentences? Please ensure everything is verifiable
 * It could be improved by using Template:Infobox person, and it's also worth adding Template:Persondata.
 * Please try to tone down the wording a bit; e.g. practice of architecture is broad, providing innovative design - try to stick to plain facts, to keep a neutral point-of-view. Also Lee Jablin has had the good fortune to have worked with - remove "had the good fortune to have" - it's superfluous, and opinion rather than fact.
 * External links should be after references (I moved it).
 * I removed the 'unreviewed' tag.  Chzz  ► 11:48, 4 June 2011 (UTC)

User:Jcaneen/Masood Ashraf Raja
Draft Article Needs review: I did not know where to point out about the conflict of interest so i am putting it here: I am related to the subject of this entry but have tried to be as neutral as possible. However, please feel free to guide me or delete this article if you find my writing biased in any way. Thank you.

Jcaneen (talk) 23:19, 31 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Don't put external links within the body text. https://faculty.unt.edu/editprofile.php?pid=2314&onlyview=1 should be a reference (between &lt;ref> and &lt;/ref>). http://pakistaniaat.org/ could go in a section at the end, ==External links== (see WP:EL).
 * Same with the blogs - those should (possibly) be in ==External links== - definitely not in the body-text.
 * Don't start lines with a space. For the lists, start each line with an asterisk,


 * Apples
 * Bananas
 * Sausages
 * Apples
 * Bananas
 * Sausages
 * Add some Wiki-links. For example,

...is an Assistant Professor of Postcolonial literature and Theory at the University of North Texas... ...is an Assistant Professor of Postcolonial literature and Theory at the University of North Texas...
 * See WP:LINKING.
 * Make sure all the information is verifiable. For example, it says, Raja moved to the United States in 1996 - I can't see that information in the reference. This is especially important in biographies.  Chzz  ► 11:37, 4 June 2011 (UTC)