Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/2011 May 9

User:Smartinezzz/Patrik Ervell
I have prepared a brief biographical article on the fashion designer Patrik Ervell, referenced in the Ecco Domani article as a previous winner. I would like feedback on formatting and referencing.

Smartinezzz (talk) 02:57, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Leikec/J D Currie
Leikec (talk) 07:34, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Greetings, your article is not yet ready for publication, so I have moved it to your userspace for drafting: User:Leikec/J D Currie. Do not be alarmed if you receive an automatic "deletion" notice; the 'bot is simply deleting the empty space your article occupied so that it will be ready to receive your draft once your draft is ready to shift back to articlespace.


 * I am tagging your article with several things to fix, and applying some basic formatting. Feel free to post back here with any questions. MatthewVanitas (talk) 13:44, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Trabelsie/Windsor Brokers
Could you please provide some feedback on my article Windsor Brokers. The significance of the article is to help the reader to identify the organization in Cyprus. Thank you.

Elie (talk) 08:27, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Hhw114/Shanghai Advanced Institute of Finance (SAIF)
Dear editor,

Could you please have a look at the article about "Shanghai Advanced Institute of Finance (SAIF)" created by me? There is already an aritlcle about it in wiki also created by me, but I don't know how to delete it. This time I started with a draft and now present it to you for inspection before put it live.

N.B. I don't know how to edit the first paragraph which is the brief introduction, whereas there are "edit" buttons for all the other sections.

Thanks for your feeback!

Gloria

Hhw114 (talk) 08:37, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Abhay Kumar
Kindly review the article. Your feedback will help improve the quality and content of the same. I've added a lot of legit references in order to prove the credibility of the content.

Thank you.

Shivam Sharma 10:25, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Overall very good (and thorough!) work, and particularly good job on the footnoting. At this point, your primary issue is "tone"; encyclopedic works must be factual and objective, so phrases like "rare individual" and "a rare creative artist with a unique vision and voice" are not allowed as they are subjective opinions. Stick instead to factual observations about his accomplishments, and/or descriptions from authoritative sources, such as: "in 1983, the director of the Los Angeles Institute of Art described John Smith as 'California's truest native artist'." You just need to remove any personal emotion ("truly great", "impressive") from the text and stick to objective reporting. As a few other minor things, both your footnotes and your external links need to be written as proper WP:Citations. For example, on #4 you just have "We Have Come Far", while a proper citation would be "We Have Come Far. Indrus, 15 April 2011." Each citation should make explicit the author (if specific) title (with the URL if any hotlinked to the title), publisher and date of the article. This is particularly important for WP:Link rot, so that if the URL of the article ever changes we can still re-discover it. So overall good work, just fix the tone to be more objective, and turn your footnotes and ELs into proper citations. MatthewVanitas (talk) 15:17, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Hi Matthew,

Many thanks for the review and useful tips. I've incorporated the changes as suggested by you. Please give your feedback on the same.

Thank you.

--Shivam Sharma 20:15, 10 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Greetings, note that some of your footnotes (#16,26,36 for example) are still not complete citations, so please fix those and any others. Definitely getting better though. Also, do not manually sign your posts, instead type "~" four times and Wiki will automatically sign them; alterately you can hit the "signature" button at the top of your editing window. MatthewVanitas (talk) 20:20, 10 May 2011 (UTC)


 * EDIT: Also, you're over-wikilinking. Only like a given term the first time it appears in the article, not each time. Also, if a word is a word commonly familiar to any English speaker, even if it's a place (painter, exhibition, Paris, India), do not wikilink it. Only wikilink technical terms, names, and lesser-known locations, and again only the very first time they appear in the article. MatthewVanitas (talk) 20:23, 10 May 2011 (UTC)

Greetings!

Wow, that was quick! Thank you again for the reply and the tips, very detailed and useful. I've made the changes, and edited ALL the footnotes. I've removed extra and repeating wikilinks, will review it again.

It'll be great if you could go through it once again. Sorry for the hassles.

P.s. I'm using the signature icon for signature. :)

Greetings!

Thanks to your tips, the citations issue has been resolved. I worked on the "tone" of the article, making the following changes:

1. ..and his enlightening writings on Global democracy [4] strive for a second renaissance on the planet. into and his writings on Global democracy [4] strive for a second renaissance on the planet.

2. He has written extensively on the issue of global democracy and the role of mobile internet in transforming the public sphere. into Global democracy and the role of mobile internet in transforming the public sphere have been reccuring themes in his writings.

3. His poetry has a unique vision and voice. He is noteworthy poet of the contemporary Indian English Literature for giving humanistic outlook and supranational character to Indian English Poetry. into He is a noteworthy poet of the contemporary Indian English Literature for giving humanistic outlook and supranational character to Indian English Poetry.

I hope this should address the tone issue.

Thanks for your time and patience.

Cheers

Please review.

Von Bean (talk) 14:12, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Greetings, I did some formatting and tagging. The main issue you need to address is adding more footnotes that establish WP:Notability. Your current refs just appear to be medical papers which cite or mention him, but what we'd like to see are more things like (as a fictional example): Smith, John. Raichle Finding Rocks Neuro World. Journal of Attention Studies, vol. 8, 2007.  Please read WP:Notability (academics) to see what kind of evidence you'll want to add to substantiate his notability. Less primary proof that he is indeed writing and researching, and more third-party coverage of his importance to the world of neurology. One minor thing: some of your categories are a little broad; try clicking on some (like "attention") and see if they have narrower subcats your guy better fits into, like "Attention researchers" or something. Overall pretty decent though. MatthewVanitas (talk) 14:54, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * EDIT: note too on your Talk page that you didn't fill out the licensing form correctly for your image; you'll want to fix that lest it be deleted. Just click on your image in the article to go to its Details page. MatthewVanitas (talk) 14:55, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

--

Hi Matthews,

greetings! It'll be of great help if you could review the article again, I've made some changes, I've mentioned them below:


 * Abhay Kumar (Hindi: अभय कुमार; Russian: Абхай Кумар) (also known as Abhay K) is an Indian author, poet, artist and diplomat. His bookRiver Valley to Silicon Valley tries to draw the portrait of a modern young Indian.[1] His award winning work in Gov2.0 & digital diplomacy,[2] his philosophical poetry, planetary scale of thinking in his art works [3] and his writings on Global democracy [4] strive for a second renaissance on the planet.

into

Abhay Kumar (Hindi: अभय कुमार; Russian: Абхай Кумар) (also known as Abhay K) is an Indian author, poet, artist and diplomat. His book River Valley to Silicon Valley tries to draw the portrait of a modern young Indian.[1] His award winning work in Gov2.0 & digital diplomacy,[2] philosophical poetry, planetary scale of thinking in his art works [3] and writings on Global democracy [4] strive for a second renaissance on the planet.


 * Global democracy and the role of mobile internet in transforming the public sphere have been reccuring themes in his writings. His Op-Ed 'Birth of Global democracy' [13] in The Times of India has been quoted in serious journals of international affairs globally[14] This urge for Global democracy and planetary consciousness is reflected in his art works. His statement- Whatever be our individual, social or other interests, we should not forget that we have only one cosmic home, Earth.[15] resonates with ancient Indian wisdom Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam - the whole world is a family.

into

Global democracy and the role of mobile internet in transforming the public sphere have been reccuring themes in his writings. His Op-Ed 'Birth of Global Democracy' [13] in The Times of India has been quoted in serious journals of international affairs.[14] A new urge for Global democracy and planetary consciousness is reflected in his art works. He believes whatever be our individual, social or other interests, we should not forget that we have only one cosmic home, Earth.[15]


 * He led soft launching of Clean India Campaign at Nehru Park with Robinder Sachdev, President Imagindia Institute on 20 February 2011 that followed cleaning up of public places such asRaj Ghat and All India Institute of Medical Sciences premises in Delhi by a large number of volunteers and a nationwide campaign to clean India.[16]

into

He led the soft launch of Clean India Campaign at Nehru Park with Robinder Sachdev, President Imagindia Institute on 20 February 2011 that followed cleaning up of public places such as Raj Ghat and All India Institute of Medical Sciences premises in Delhi by a large number of volunteers and a nationwide campaign to clean India.[16]


 * He is a noteworthy poet of the contemporary Indian English Literature for giving humanistic outlook and supranational character to Indian English Poetry.[18]

into

He is a noteworthy figure in contemporary Indian English Literature for giving humanistic outlook and supranational character to Indian English Poetry.[18]

Removed

He actively took part in activities of National Service Scheme (NSS) at Kirori Mal College and at Jawaharlal Nehru University(JNU). He was Vice President of NSS, Kirori Mal College from 1999–2000 and a core member of the gender issues forum 'Parivartan' from 1998-2000 at Delhi University. NSS unit of Kirori Mal College organized annual blood donation camp at the college, tree plantation, anti-smoking and anti-pollution drives and visits to mental asylums in and around Delhi.

I hope this makes the article more formal. Looking forward to your feedback. Many thanks. Shivam Sharma 15:36, 4 June 2011 (UTC)

Sensing of phage-triggered ion cascades (SEPTIC)
This is the description of a rapid bacterium identification method. Can this go now ?

Reviewed, contribution is good. Luceyg (talk) 03:30, 12 May 2011 (UTC)

Htavroh (talk) 14:28, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Fluctuation-Enhanced Sensing
This page is about Fluctuation-Enhanced Sensing, a method utilizing random fluctuations. Can it go? Thanks.

Good contribution. Luceyg (talk) 03:26, 12 May 2011 (UTC)

Htavroh (talk) 14:36, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Conan and the Death Lord of Thaza
I am writing a book on Conan; as part of the research, I am reading all the Conan novels. I want to post the missing plot summaries and link them to the Conan chronologies. I want to make sure that my format is acceptable. Thanks

Dr. Jonas Prida (talk) 14:59, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Tales_from_Space:_About_a_Blob
This is a wiki page for a game that recently came out on the Playstation Network named About a Blob.

Kulzkid (talk) 15:56, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Reviewed; please see the maintenance tags I added, and post back here with any questions. MatthewVanitas (talk) 17:25, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Kulzkid/Drinkbox_Studios
Company information page. References were added to the statements made in the article, except since it is a small company the majority of the references are from the company website itself.

Kulzkid (talk) 15:58, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Greetings, your article does not yet meet Notability (organizations and companies) since, as you note, most of your coverage is from the organisation itself. Please read the Notability policy, and until you can provide more independent, reliable, substantive coverage, the article has been moved to your Userspace for drafting. MatthewVanitas (talk) 17:20, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

John Jacob Lyons
The main point of this article is 'Genetic Priming' rather than 'John Jacob Lyons'. It was changed from 'John Jacob Lyons and Genetic Priming; presumably by an Editor. To avoid problems related to autobiography, I would like to suggest it be changed to Genetic Priming. Do you agree? If so, how do I make this change please? Now solved!

With regard to 'notability'. This work is unpublished in print but published on a well-regarded scientific blog. I have used 'religiosity' as a good example of the process but have explained the general hypothesis in the comments that follow the main article. Please note that this is a new piece of evolutionary theory so my ability to provide notability is restricted.

http://www.scilogs.eu/en/blog/biology-of-religion/2011-03-24/the-genetic-priming-of-religiosity-guest-post-by-john-jacob-lyons

And another article about Genetic Priming that was published on the 'Evolving Ideas' blog ---

http://www.open.ac.uk/blogs/ideasblog/?p=40#comment-3630

I am anxious to do everything required to make my article acceptable to Wikipedia and would welcome a definitive list of the actions I need to take and some guidance re how to expedite.

I believe that the mechanism I have identified and explained has been an important one in the evolution of living organisms. I am suggesting that the main evolutionary mechanisms have been; natural selection, sexual selection, epigenetic processes and genetic priming. I have presented my explanation of Genetic Priming to many eminent scholars in the field of evolutionary theory and it has been uniformly well received.

I have now added several relevant 'categories' at the end of the article.

Many thanks

John jacob lyons (talk) 16:01, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

John jacob lyons (talk) 16:01, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Gaebler/Acquity Group
I created this article first as a userspace draft, so if anyone has any thoughts about how this article can be improved, I would appreciate it! Thanks!

Gaebler (talk) 17:18, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Gaurang85/Green Bridge
I have made the changes requested, added proper citations. Please let me know if I have done them correctly. Thank You.

Gaurang85 (talk) 17:19, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Definitely getting better, but needs some fine-tuning. Notice your categories are in red; that means there are no such categories. You'll have to hunt around (and maybe read WP:Categories) to find what the actual names of the existing categories are. Try looking up some similar concepts or keywords and seeing what those articles use. You have pretty good sourcing on the intro, well done there, but the rest of the article lacks footnotes, and has some very specific statistics that undoubtedly come from somewhere, so please footnote those. Presumably the list of links at the bottom contain some of your sources, so please footnote them to the individual statements they evidence, and spell them out as full citations. This should be a great article, with a nice visual, once you get it done. Advise you also drop into the Talk page of WP:WikiProject Environment to say hello and ask for expert input on your article. MatthewVanitas (talk) 01:41, 10 May 2011 (UTC)

Thank you for the suggestions Matthew. I have added the categories correctly. I have added footnotes at the bottom of the Expected Results after treatment through Green Bridge system section (i.e. Reference #3 which contains all the specified statistics), do I have to add footnotes to every individual statistic? Also quite a few links at the bottom are to news articles talking about the green bridge system, is there another way to categorize these links? Thank you again.

Allan Weiss
Hi,

I am hoping to get some feedback on this article, I have updated it with external sources verifying notability, and was hoping to have these reviewed.

Thank you, Pnakit (talk) 20:35, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Hopkins MMI/Robert Jackson(RE Academic)
I would like to publish this page - is this OK to publish?

Hopkins MMI (talk) 21:10, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Greetings, added some maintenance tags at the top; primarily you need more third party coverage specifically discussing his importance, not just works by him or which he contributed to. Also, linking in external images doesn't work; you'll have to find a photo you can legally upload (see WP:Image use policy). MatthewVanitas (talk) 22:13, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

The Russian Jazz Quartet
A brief history of the Russian Jazz Quartet, founded by the first jazz artists to defect from the Soviet Union in the 1960s, needs proofreading and confirmation for entry.

Buddha Manchester (talk) 21:44, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

User:Rajeeb.bd/Boys_of_Bangladesh_%28BoB%29
Hello there,

Just seeking your expertise to know if my article is suitable enough to go live. And how it can be made better.

Thanks and Regards

Rajeeb.bd (talk) 21:52, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

john_quackenbush
Hello, I'm sorry, but I posted this without getting feedback first through my user page. This is my first wiki article. I was hoping someone could review it now that it is live. I made a request April 6, 2011, but I don't know if anyone saw it, since posts before and after mine were already addressed. Any help would be greatly appreciated. This is a biography of a noted bioinformaticist and computational biologist.

Mkalamaras (talk) 23:16, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Yeah, we're kind of understaffed, so thanks for your patience. Overall layout is good, but for such a long article you're weak on footnotes. Advise you find more good academic or journalistic citations and footnote them to the individual portions they evidence. Also, ensure your footnotes are spelled out as full WP:Citations. Several of your categories are also way too broad; try opening up each category and see if there's a sub-category (or even further) within it that better suits; instead of Category "X", it should be "X researchers", etc. The man isn't a "genome", he's a "genomicist" or whatever. Just dig the cats a little deeper, and that will also make your article easier to find for readers. That aside, just bullet your External Links and you should be good. MatthewVanitas (talk) 01:45, 10 May 2011 (UTC)

Thank you, Matthew! I will work on the points you've made. Mkalamaras (talk) 04:07, 12 May 2011 (UTC)

Jeffrey_Rubinoff_(sculptor)
Dear Volunteer Editors,

As the activities director of the Jeffrey Rubinoff Sculpture Park, I am very interested in having factual information about Sculptor Jeffrey Rubinoff available to users of Wikipedia.

I have tried to write this from a neutral point of view and to provide references wherever possible, but would greatly appreciate constructive editing and critique.

Thank you in advance for your effort.

Karun Koernig (talk) 23:18, 9 May 2011 (UTC)

Six Million Crucifixions
Would somebody please give me some feedback on this article or let me know if I am not making the request properly. Thanks very much.

I am just requesting feedback for this article. I think it is adequately sources. There has been a problem with the image posted, but an email has now been forwarded from the copyright holder with an unlimited permission. Thanks much.

Nrglaw (talk) 23:52, 9 May 2011 (UTC)