Wikipedia:Requests for feedback/Archive 2

Root cause
I did a complete rewrite of this entry, as the previous version was incredibly bad (incomplete, disjointed, opinionated, and a little spammy). As I'm not terribly well-versed in wikipedia rules and style guidelines, I'd like to get some overall opinions and suggestions for improvement. Here is a link to the diff:

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Root_cause&diff=66545259&oldid=66102153

Note... the revision was done from a different IP than this request. Please direct any personal feedback to 72.141.22.69

Thanks! --192.75.48.150 15:06, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
 * Hey mr,72.131.22.69! Why don't you register to Wikipedia so you can contribute and communicate easily? :) So, yeah, about the article, its a fine article for me. You've selected a unique topic and it is good, however, it must be harder to find the sources. Speaking about sources, you really need to make references, if you don't know how to do it, you can take a look at this. Of course, external links are good as well, but sometimes you need to cite a sentence or a paragraph like this one, "One view holds that, in theory, one would have to return to the Big Bang or the point of Creation (theology) to find true root causes". It is a big subject matter and its very important, thus you need to make citation.
 * The other thing is, probably you could divide the article into some parts. For instance, you could make the first two paragraph as a "Background" and maybe "Purpose" and "Application is Science" or something like that. It is good to divide it into parts so people know what you are talking about, although your explanation is very clear.
 * Yeah, so good luck on it and take care! Imoeng 22:57, 31 July 2006 (UTC)
 * Since you're an anon, I doubt you'll respond to this, so I'll just point out two things:
 * The introductory sentence "Problems are caused to happen" is gramatically incorrect. I suggest "Every problem has a cause".
 * I suggest you add headings and references to the article.
 * I strongly advise you to create an account to edit on Wikipedia. --J.L.W.S. The Special One 11:11, 1 August 2006 (UTC)

Kânik Language
The Kânik Language is a fictional constructed language created by Jeff Shanley for his debut novel Mathion: Book One, Mavonduri. It is the original language of the Kânín and the Wolven, a high race of Men.
 * I assume you are Oharion, since the history page is full of your name. And I assume you've made it yourself with just a little help from someone else. And I think, the article is very good, provides details and its very specific. You also have provided examples of the grammar and some words to explain the grammar. However one thing that you've missed is references. Some people may think it is a fictional subject matter, although it is really fictional. So what you can do is to put references. I see you've put the first references in the introduction, but it is better to link the references to the bottom part of the page. To learn about that, you might want to take a look at Wikipedia Footnotes. Seems nothing wrong for me about the article, but probably you can just wait for the others to drop you a feedback. If you want to get more feedback, since your article has already developed well, why don't you try Peer Review.
 * Excellent work, Oharion! Take care! Imoeng 20:35, 1 August 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Oharion! I got your username from the edit history, but in future, please remember to sign your posts to talk pages (but NOT articles!) by clicking on the signature button (third from right) on the editing toolbar. I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF. Here are some suggestions for improving the article:
 * Read other articles on fictional languages, such as Klingon language or Pig Latin. Note the way they are structured, formatted and presented. Having a similar style for related articles increases readibility. If there is a WikiProject on fictional languages, they may be able to help!
 * I noticed that your article makes sparing use of internal links. Wikipedia thrives on internal links, so use them well (though don't overuse them). Make internal links where relevant to the context, and add internal links to your article from relevant articles. The article does not have any references or external links at all. I'm not good with referencing, but do try to add references when you can. In addition, provide the reader with some external links to websites about the language, for further reading.
 * If you can find appropriate images to include in the article, great! You may wish to increase exposure to your article by creating a redirect from Kanik language. Keep improving the article further, and after a Peer Review, you may wish to nominate it for Good Article. --J.L.W.S. The Special One 12:00, 2 August 2006 (UTC)


 * I notice that the article uses bold a lot. Bold is used at Wikipedia only for the introductory use of the name of the article. The other places you are using it seem to be for words in the language and for emphasis of terms. The Manual of Style tells us to use italics for foreign words and for "words used as words" (e.g., "the term abundance means having a lot"), and to not use it for emphasis except in very rare cases. Likely, many of the terms you've bolded that are not being used as "words as words" can be turned into internal links (even if they haven't got an article yet). &mdash; Saxifrage ✎ 07:08, 3 August 2006 (UTC)


 * Most other articles on languages are titled "Fooish language" rather than just "Fooish," per Naming Conventions. I would recommend renaming (moving) the article to Kânik language (note lower case). --Ginkgo100 talk • contribs • e@ 20:07, 3 August 2006 (UTC)

Cosmic distance ladder
RfF on a major overhaul of Cosmic_distance_ladder from a newbie Wiki contributor. The cumulative differences I introduced are [], but I've replaced nearly everything.
 * Hey there, it is a very interesting article for me. I also noticed that it is a very specific and technical article, so you really have to be careful on the selection of the words, as many people here, including me, do not have PhD or a high academic level to understand the article. In case of that, you might want to explain some brief explanation of the "technical words" like "spiral galaxies" and "elliptical galaxies". I know that people might want to visit another article, but I think it would be even better if you put some brief explanation there. THe other thing I notice is that there is no any article subheadings. Subheadings are really important to remind people where are they now and to divide the articles into parts. For this article, probably you could divide it into, Introduction, Method, Laws, and sort of things (sorry I cant help for this!). You could also put some images and photos, if you can, but remember about policies and guidelines. Above all, is citation, which I think is one of the most important things on editing. Besides the external links, you do have to put citations on some related paragraphs or sections so that the readers know where did you get that information. To learn about it more, please read Wikipedia Footnotes. Okay, probably that is all from me, if you have other queries, please feel free to contact me on my talk page or post a question on WP:HD the Help Desk. Good luck and take care!! Imoeng 10:18, 3 August 2006 (UTC)

Thank you! I've started on this (the beginning of sections are there now), will continue to hack on it for a while. I'll go through my dead tree library for citations. Images ... I don't know ... this topic doesn't lend itself easily to a graphic, and there's always the public-domain requirement. --BSVulturis 19:16, 3 August 2006 (UTC)

Hoopfest
Please rate this detailed article. —Preceding unsigned comment added by supershow (talk • contribs)


 * On a quick browse through the article, I was left with a few questions. Is this a regional thing? Who sponsors these events? Is there a single organization that runs them now? Is the article discussing a specific event or just a kind of basketball tournament? Also, the tournament diagram in the middle looks nifty, but I don't understand what it communicates that the words "single-elimination tournament" don't. The article also might benefit from a careful read-through; the prose could be tightened up a bit. Lastly, you seem to have a lot of small edits made every minute or two in the process of writing up the article; to help us see the development of the article in larger steps, please use the preview button. Hope this helps! grendel|khan 06:36, 3 August 2006 (UTC)

Betton Hills Preparatory School
This is my first wikipedia entry. I recently made this page for my old middle school. I am not sure if it is considered biased or not, please tag the page if you believe it is. Please leave any other comments too, and check for any spelling errors. I am also having trouble uploading pictures from the internet. I would like to upload their campus pic at http://bettonhills.com/images/campus.jpg and the logo at http://bettonhills.com/images/Betton%20Hills%20logo%20new.jpg. Thanks
 * Comment:Hey there, thanks for joining and contributing for Wikipedia. The article has a good starting point, so it is very possible to expand it until it gets a Featured Article status. And, it is always a good thing to make an article related to your region, your school and stuff like that. However, I spotted some things that need attention, like the infobox. Did you know about infobox before? You can read it here and learn a little bit about it. So, I've searched and I think this would suit your article. Also, there are some sentences that I concern, like "Betton Hills students have a challenging and unique curriculum, in accordance to the Core Knowledge curriculum" and the "Values" part, because it seems like an advertisement, sorry about that. One of the important thing is NPOV which is Neutral Point Of View, you might want to consider that. Some wikipedians also do not like list, so, probably you can expand the "Classes" part a little bit more. About the pictures, please look at this.
 * Okay, thats all for now, if you need help, just reach me on my talk page or post on WP:HD. Good luck and take care!! Imoeng 09:57, 3 August 2006 (UTC)
 * 'Oops, I forgot to mention about citation or references. Besides the external links, you need to put some citations so that the NPOV thing satisfied, please read on Wikipedia Footnotes.
 * Hello, Scottybo! Please remember to sign your posts on talk pages (but NOT articles!) by clicking on the signature icon (third from right) on the editing toolbar. I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF.
 * To upload the campus pic and logo, save the pictures to your computer, and then upload them to Wikipedia - click on "Upload file" on the left toolbar. Please don't upload copyrighted material unless it's fair-use, though!
 * The article is quite biased. But that's a natural, common mistake, as you probably wish to tell everyone how great your school is. An example is the statement "It is open to everyone who desires a great education". At least the article does not look like advertising.
 * Wikipedia has an official policy known as NPOV, which states that articles should be written from a neutral point of view. Fortunately, Wikipedia also offers a tutorial for eliminating bias in articles to help achieve NPOV. I suggest you add a "Controversy" section. If there have been any cases of pupil misconduct which made the newspapers, that's the section to write about them.
 * Are you sure that the school is notable enough to merit an entry in Wikipedia? If it is, please add information to the article proving how the school is notable. If it's not notable, someone may list the article for deletion - no offense to you. If the school has any notable achievements or won any awards, this information should go into an "Achievements" section.
 * The article contains some lists, which you should try to convert to prose. I am concerned that some sections, such as "Mission" and "Values", may be copyright violations of the school website. I hope my concerns are unfounded, but if they are, try rewording the sections.
 * I noticed the article lacks references. Where did you get all the information in the article from? Perhaps you should spend some time finding useful references to add to the article. Referencing is difficult for beginners, and I personally have difficulty with it.
 * Well, that's all the feedback I have to offer. Please use the feedback to improve your editing skills and the article. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 10:08, 3 August 2006 (UTC)

non-Orthodox Jewish views on Resurrection
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Resurrection&diff=60451581&oldid=60150198 Someone with knowledge of the Conservative Jewish spectrum of opinion could please weigh in and see if my update is NPOV and accurate

David_Galenson
I'm not sure if this belongs here or at Requests_for_expansion. I created this article when I found nothing about this economist on Wikipedia. Unfortunately, I couldn't find much information about him on the internet, so there could be Copyright and Original Research problems with the article. I would appreciate any comments. Phelantalk 23:29, 11 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Listing it at Requests_for_expansion wouldn't go amiss if you don't intend to do any further work on it yourself. Some expansion of his study of artistic innovation would add interest to the article It needs some citations to support some of the claims - particularly "He has become famous..." which would be preferable if it was reworded ("His areas of study include..." possibly). Yomangani talk 23:43, 11 September 2006 (UTC)

Gilberto Silva
I recently rewrote the Gilberto Silva article. Here is the big change:

Specifically, I'd like to know if I have cited enough sources throughout the article, and if I've kept the 'Arsenal Career' section NPOV enough.

Also, how far off Good Article Status is the article? What can I change/add to get it up to Good Article Status?

Denis Law is an FA-rated football player bio (it's useful to see an example of what the perfect player bio page looks like).

Thanks for any feedback (and especially criticisms/suggestions), -GilbertoSilvaFan 14:07, 12 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Flows quite well and isn't that far off the standard of the Denis Law article. Using dates in the sub-headings is probably not a good idea, at least until his playing career is over ("2002-present" could be wrong by tomorrow). Both the "Praise and Criticism" and "Trivia" sections would be better worked into the text - it will give it some life and remove these sections as point of view targets and places for dumping information without thought. Some of the sections are a little short to warrant splitting off, consider dropping some of the sub-headings. Also there is a real lack of references for important statements, such as "It was Gilberto's performance in this tournament which led to him being classed as one of the top defensive midfielders in the world" and "proving he was not just a watercarrier for the team" (the latter needs sources for why that was expected to be the case as well as some explanation). Yomangani talk 23:42, 12 September 2006 (UTC)

Voulet-Chanoine Mission
I've just finished writing Voulet-Chanoine Mission, and would like to hear some suggestions. Any advice or criticism would be immensely appreciated. The article took me considerable time, but as common with Africa-related topics, you often have to work in solitude, even when the argument treated is of considerable relevance (one of the greatest French colonial scandals).--Aldux 01:01, 9 September 2006 (UTC)
 * I'll try and have a better look tomorrow, but from a very quick look I can see it needs at least copy editing for English usage. Yomangani talk 23:19, 11 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Aldux! I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF. I applaud your use of references; here are some suggestions for improving the article:
 * Firstly, you may wish to add several images to the article, where it is appropriate to do so. To upload an image to Wikipedia, click on "Upload file" on the left toolbar, and follow the instructions. To make it appear in the article, add [[Image:FILENAME]], where FILENAME is the name of the image file, including the extension.
 * As Yomangani pointed out, the prose in the article needs some work. Spelling and grammatical errors must be fixed, and the article must maintain an encyclopediac tone. You may wish to check the article for spelling and grammatical errors, and fix them.
 * I think you could improve the structure of the article. The lead section must concisely summarize the article. In addition, headings like "The mission starts" and "Voulet's arrest is ordered" do not seem encyclopediac. I suggest you read articles on other military conflicts to get a feel of the expected structure of such articles.
 * I hope you will find this feedback useful. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 14:23, 13 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Thanks a lot for the advice; I understand that the English is the main problem, but there's little there I can do, sadly, as I'm not a native speaker. The lead is an incredible blunder; thanks for remembering me. The sections titles are a disaster, I agree, but with all the time in wikipedia I still seem unable to decently partition an article of medium length. Thanks again,--Aldux 17:21, 13 September 2006 (UTC)

Henry III of England
He was a King in England. Could you give ways that I could further improve this article? I am working on finding more sources. 0L1 20:43, 9 September 2006 (UTC)
 * The section headings are a little strange - don't feel you have to have subheadings for every minor incident when there isn't enough text to support them. Take a look at Edward III of England and try and duplicate the structure in your article to some extent. The lead section needs to give a summary of the article, so the current version needs filling out (see WP:LEAD). Yomangani talk 23:26, 11 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Great - thanks for the advice. 0L1 17:02, 12 September 2006 (UTC)


 * It could do with a longer introduction.Also, line citations would be a great thing. Durova 02:50, 14 September 2006 (UTC)

Constitution of Thailand
I created an article on Constitution of Thailand and have brought it to a level which I think is acceptable in terms of comprehensiveness, references, and NPOV.I've tried to strike a good balance between having sufficient detail about specific constitutions and not trying to cover every single constitution in Thailand's history.I'd appreciate it if others could review this balance and suggest whether the article is either too detailed or not detailed engough.Thanks! Patiwat


 * It is well-balanced and mostly neutral in tone. I dislike the use of bolding terms which you think are important though - if you think the reader will miss the importance of these terms then explain them in more depth. You also don't need the controversy, key features and praise and criticism headings - working these into the text (for the most part this just means removing the headings) will make it flow better and reduce the appearence of bias. I think you done a good job in picking out some of the major changes, but some coverage of the "minor" constitutions would help to explain why the others have been singled out - perhaps you could dedicate a line or two to each in the list at the beginning. As a minor issue: the lead overuses "stipulates". Hope this helps Yomangani talk 14:47, 13 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Thanks!The controversy, key features, etc. headings were there to give readers breathers, since otherwise I was concerned some of the sections would seem to be too long.I'll take them out and add some detail about the minor constitutions as well.Your suggestions are greatl appreciated. XKMasada 15:56, 13 September 2006 (UTC)

Rapid Plasma Reagin
I've expanded an article on the Rapid Plasma Reagin test used to screen for syphilis.I'd like to get feedback from a few people outside the medical community to see if it is readable to a lay person, while still offering something to a person with a medical background.Thanks.--Jfurr1981 23:02, 12 September 2006 (UTC)
 * It is perfectly clear. You might want to move "(Treponema pallidum)" from behind "syphilis" to behind "organism" to make it obvious that this is the organism and not the latin name for syphilis. Yomangani talk 23:13, 12 September 2006 (UTC)
 * I'm a 14-year-old who did not study Biology, and I understand it perfectly. It's much easier to understand than many other Wikipedia articles on similar topics. I suggest you add internal links for related medical terms (such as bacterium). You've done a good job - keep it up! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 14:43, 13 September 2006 (UTC)

request for feedback on new article
Hi,

I wrote a new article called menstrual extraction, about a self-help technique developed by women before Roe v. Wade made abortion legal. Any advice/criticisms about how to improve it would be very welcome. (is it long enough? NPOV enough? Is it missing anything?)

Thanks, Cindery 03:12, 13 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Good article.I've made some suggestions on the Discussion page. XKMasada 09:18, 13 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Some quick comments:
 * You should explain what it is in the lead - comparing it to another technique doesn't really help. At the moment it is necessary to read half the article before it is defined.
 * Try to use one style of citation - there is a Harvard style reference in the midst of the footnotes - and either remove the spaces between the punctuation and citations or include it consistantly
 * The discovery of the yoghurt is presented as being used by the police as evidence of a criminal act - this needs explaining since possession of yoghurt is not a crime. What justification did the police use to present this as evidence? Without that explanation the article becomes POV.
 * Although you mention other countries in the last paragraph the article is very US-centric. If you have little information about other countries you should still endeavour to make it clear when you are talking about the US. For example Wade v Roe didn't make abortion legal in other countries, so don't present it as a blanket statement.
 * Although pictures are normally requested to increase an article's appeal, I think you can give that a miss. Yomangani talk 14:09, 13 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Cindery! I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF.
 * While the article has plenty of references and footnotes (which is good), it lacks an External Links section. You should create an external links section and add some links to websites about menstrual extraction. In addition, some words/phrases which should have internal links do not.
 * Perhaps some restructuring is in order. The main body of the article (which excludes the lead section, and notes/references/external links section) could comprise three sections: one about the technical details of menstrual extraction, one about how it is used (as an alternative to abortion), and a section about reception to menstrual extraction (I'm sure an alternative method of abortion would be controversial).
 * You may wish to add an image to the article, where appropriate.
 * Hope this helps. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 14:36, 13 September 2006 (UTC)

...thanks for the feedback, you guys!that was really helpful. i have started work fixing things per your suggestions already, and i put your report on the menstrual extraction talkpage for future reference for me and other editors while the rest of the work is done. thanks again! Cindery 17:51, 13 September 2006 (UTC)
 * I disagree with the comment about photographs. Obviously a photo of a procedure in progress would not be appropriate, but a picture of the machine would be exceedingly informative, and would add a great deal (especially to the section detailing the differences between the extractor and other types of vacuum extractors). Anchoress 04:10, 15 September 2006 (UTC)

..thanks. i think a visual could make the difference between MVA and ME clearer too. there actually is a little picture of the device under the first link in reference section--Janice Cortese (with a note saying:"includes picture of Del Em")but it's hidden away, and I couldn't use it because it is under copyright :-( Cindery 04:15, 15 September 2006 (UTC)

Mifepristone
...I hate to be a "feedback hog,":-)but you gave such good advice I wanted to ask about this one too. (I put a lot of work into it, but so did other editors; I didn't start it.)It still needs some refs in the history section I think, and the "Use outside United States" should be expanded, I know...but how does it read overall for general reader, do you think?Does it have too many technical/medical terms?Should the product insert not be quoted verbatim in small type?Is it missing anything/NPOV enough? Does it go into too much detail about the fatalities? All criticism about how to improve it wanted and welcome. Thanks in advance, Cindery 03:58, 15 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Quite comprehensive but there are few problems:
 * It is US-centric - FDA is not linked or explained; nearly all the statistics and data are US information; in the lead it is said it was initially available in France, but this is not mentioned again until late in the article - the history section should come before controversy to help balance this out.
 * I would put "Other possible uses" before controversy as well - since the controversy section is such a large part of the article it looks biased to have it so close to the beginning of the article.
 * The lead states "it is useful in humans an abortifacient...", this should be rephrased with a more neutral tone ("its uses are...") as "useful" suggests a POV.
 * Its uses for the treatment of endocrine conditions receives little further coverage after the lead.
 * Citation styles are mixed with footnotes and external links right next to each other
 * There are incidences of "US" and "U.S." right next to each other, and 60-mg,200mg and 200 mg (the manual of style recommends value then a space then the unit).
 * The clinical trials section needs more information: what dosages were the women on, what symptoms were they being treated for, what was the sample size?
 * The quoting of the packaging label is awkward after the contraindications have been listed above (and the quotes aren't closed anyway) - I'd list this information in the same way you handled the information above it.
 * There are a lot of medical opinions on its immunosuppressant effects and not many for the opposing view, but the section isn't badly balanced considering, and that may just be all the information there is available.
 * The "History" and "Politics and use outside the United States" sections are confused. History should probably only cover the point up to launch.
 * It needs more references as it is an emotive subject that is liable to be challenged if references are not provided (and probably even then).
 * Further wikilinking of some medical terms would be beneficial if the articles exist. Yomangani talk 22:59, 15 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Thank you so much.Those are all excellent criticisms--I have begun adopting them already, and I archived your report on the talkpage for other editors to consult.

Cindery 01:34, 16 September 2006 (UTC)

Foundation for Equal Families
This is my first article I have written, so any suggestions would be greatly appreaciated.Thanks. --Gay Cdn (talk) (email) (Contr.) 19:57, 15 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Quite clear and well structured but lacking a little in substance. It overuses subheadings and underuses wikilinks to other articles.
 * There are a lot of terms and events that need further explanation, for example, what did Bill 167 propose exactly and why was it defeated? What is an intervener? What were the arguments and outcomes in the cases mentioned (links to external websites don't make for a good article, as if the site is removed so is the article content)?
 * There is no explanation of the actions or results in any of the activities the group undertook. Why did the government settle? Was the new bill a concession to the demands made by the group?
 * The education section claims that "The education portion of the mandate was achieved...", yet the mandate stated in the lead does not mention education.
 * The group is stated to be dormant in the lead, yet no mention of this is made later on.
 * The lead should be an introduction and summary (see WP:LEAD), so the information in the lead should be re-covered in greater depth in the body of the article.
 * Hope this helps Yomangani talk 23:25, 15 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Gay Cdn! I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF. Here are some issues with the article:
 * The article is poorly structured. You should use ==second-level headings==, not ===third-level headings=== . Third-level headings are used for further organization of content in second-level headings. You should use second-level headings for broad categorization of information: for example, a section on the history and founding of the organization, another section on the people behind the organization, a section on its activities, and a section on controversies it has been involved in, and so on. Good layout, structure and organization will make the article easier to read, and will help the article achieve broad coverage of the organization, which is one of the Good Article criteria.
 * The article also lacks internal links. Try adding internal links to articles on related topics. To make a phrase an internal link, enclose it in square brackets . The "Also see" section should be renamed "See also". In addition, I noticed that the article does not have references, unless the links such as "Vriend v. Alberta - Supreme Court of Canada" could be used as references; in that case, add them to a References section.
 * I hope you find my feedback useful. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 15:19, 16 September 2006 (UTC)

I Not Stupid
While I have previously written two articles, Google Groups and Homerun (film), this is my first attempt at completely rewriting an existing article. When I found this article on one of Singapore's most notable movies, it was a total mess and full of fancruft. Over a week, I completely rewrote the article, and all the prose (though not all the information) in the article was written by me.

I am trying to improve I Not Stupid to Good Article status. While I appreciate all forms of feedback, here are some areas where feedback is most needed:


 * I always have difficulty with referencing: both with finding references and formatting them. Unlike the two articles I wrote, when rewriting this article, I made a genuine attempt to find some good references. Which parts of the article need more references? Do you have any suggestions for finding more good references, particularly for sections which lack references?
 * Parts of the article were written in a hurry late at night. Which areas need copy-editing, and are there any specific recurring mistakes that I should correct with my copy-editing? (In a past RFF for Homerun (film), someone pointed out that I kept repeating the word "shoes".)
 * Is the article "broad in its coverage" of I Not Stupid (this is part of the good article criteria)? If not, what areas do I need to write about to achieve broad coverage? (I don't expect to achieve the comprehensiveness of a featured article.)

I hope the Requests for feedback system I created will be useful in helping me get feedback on one of my articles! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 12:43, 16 September 2006 (UTC)
 * It's quite comprehensive, so I don't think you need to worry about the broad coverage aspect, although critical reception could stand expanding with some actual opinions from critics. The political satire section is unreferenced (having none). You can nearly always find the original or alternative sources in English on Google by feeding it variations on the statements you need to source, but I'm not sure how expansive the Singporean web is. The prose is better than it was in Homerun, with less repetition and over explanation, but there were still a couple of examples. I found the plot section a little disjointed - this section in Homerun had a good flow to it, but here it is choppy and there are places where the paragraphs contain unconnected events. Some more specific comments on the text:
 * "Terry provides voice-over narration throughout the movie, particularly to introduce the characters at the beginning of the movie." - if it is throughout the movie how can it be particularly at the beginning?
 * "Boon Hock comes from a poor family...nevertheless he is loyal" - no reason to assume poor people wouldn't be loyal.
 * "The company Mr Liu works for hires an American, John, as Creative Director, and promotes Mr Liu's friend, Ben, to Creative Group Head." - there's no context for this. Why did they do it?
 * "Just before he jumps off the flat" - jumps from the flat window? jumps off the flats' roof?
 * "After Mrs Khoo and Selena thrash things out..." do they have an argument? "Thrash things out" can also mean plan something or resolve matters.
 * "When it was released, Money No Enough was the only Singaporean film with higher earnings than I Not Stupid." - this isn't clear. Which came first?
 * With earnings of over S$4 million, I Not Stupid Too overtook the original film as the all-time second highest grossing movie in Singapore. - this is repeated.
 * I'm not sure you need the "See Also" section - I Not Stupid Toois linked in the text.
 * Hope this helps, Yomangani talk 01:07, 18 September 2006 (UTC)

Texture filtering
I just did a major rewrite of the article on texture filtering. As this is my first big wikipedia contribution I was hoping I could get some feedback on it, particularly with regards to encyclopedic style, layout, etc. Here's the link to the diff page. Thanks! - Valarauka 13:55, 17 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Your changes make it much clearer; the structure and layout are mostly OK (see below) and the style and tone are fine. The problems I see with the article at the moment are:
 * It does not cite any sources, so appears to be original research (which is against policy)
 * The intro is more of a definition than a summary of the article. Please look at WP:LEAD to see what the purpose and structure of the lead should be.
 * The article doesn't really tell us why we need texture filtering - this should be stated in the lead, and explained further in the "Need for filtering" section. Although you've linked to artifacts, a sentence on why they are and why they are undesirable would make this clearer to a novice.
 * The second and third paragraphs of the "Need for filtering" section discuss general theory of texture mapping rather than the need for it. Perhaps split them off into their own section?
 * Hope this helps. Yomangani talk 09:59, 18 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Appreciate your comments. I'd already figured it needed some citations, will dig up something from a graphics text or whitepaper. The rest of it is all valid, I'll see what I can do. Thanks! Valarauka 14:44, 18 September 2006 (UTC)

Article on W.E.Jones
I gather it may be unaccepted. Ok. I need help - I'm new and confused. May have to give-up! Osborne.
 * I think the problem with the Eifion Jones article is that it does not establish notability. In order for an article to merit inclusion on Wikipedia there must be some assertion that the subject is worthy of an entry in an encyclopedia. You can establish this in the article by giving references from third party works that prove that he is recognised as an expert in his field. In addition the article has several point of view statements such as "He was a well-liked lecturer and his enthusiasm was imparted to students". All wikipedia articles should written from a neutral point of view so this type of expression is discouraged. Yomangani talk 12:02, 17 August 2006 (UTC)

Beat (film)
''I've revised this several times. Having trouble understanding how to make things link and the following words show purple not blue in my attempt - genre, Protagonist, Action film, Drama film, sequence, The Shawshank Redemption.''

A beat, in film is an Event, Decision or Discovery that significantly alters the way the Protagonist pursues their Goal. Beats are specific, measured and spaced to create a pacing element that moves the progress of the story forward. Uneven or erratic beats will be felt by the audience as either slow-usually the most forgettable or often tedious parts of a film-or stretches of film that jolt the audience unnecessarily.

Every cinematic genre has a beat that is specific to itâs development. Action film has significantly more Beats (usually Events) while Drama film has fewer beats (usually Protagonist Decisions or Discovery). Between each beat a sequence occurs. The sequence is often a series of scenes that relates to the last beat and leads up to the next beat.

In most American films the beat will fall approximately every five minutes. Following is a beat example from The Shawshank Redemption:

At 25 minutes: Andy talk to Red and asks for rock hammer. - Decision

At 30 minutes: Andy gets rock hammer. - Event

At 35 minutes: Andy risks his life to offers financial advice to Mr. Hadley. - Decision

At 40 minutes: Andy notes ease of carving his name in the wall. - Discovery

At 45 minutes: Mr. Hadley beats Bogs severely. Event

After each beat above a significant series of results takes place in the form of the sequence, but what most people remember are the beats, the moment something takes place with the [Protagonist]. More information on Beat Structure is provided in Anatomy of A Screenplay, Dan Decker.

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_%28film%29"


 * They show as purple rather than blue because you have visited the links previously (they show as blue for me). The links are fine in the article, but you do need to do is provide some evidence that this article is is not original research (which is not permitted on Wikipedia). I've listed the book you referred to as a reference, but you should give some more details about it such as publisher, date and ISBN number. You should also add any other material you used as sources for the article under the "References section". Yomangani talk 15:44, 21 August 2006 (UTC)

the city of vianen in the netherlaNDS- location!!
hI,

AS I WAS BORN IN THE CITY OF VIANEN, IN THE NETHERLANDS.. I WAS VERY SURPRISED THAT VIKIPEADIA MOOVED MY CIRY OF BIRTH FROM ZUIDHOLLAND PROVINCE TO UTRECHT PROVINCE....

http://www.crwflags.com/fotw/flags/nl-zh-va.html

MY PAS WORD SAYSvIANEN....ZUIDHOLLAND, AS PLACE OF BIRTH NOT UTRECHT..

I HOPE SOME ONE WIL READ THIS AND SET THINGS RIGHT,



Wim Verdoold.


 * Vianen was transferred from Zuid-Holland to Utrecht on 1 January 2002. See here. The information in Wikipedia is therefore correct. Errabee 14:19, 22 August 2006 (UTC)

Bandung
Bandung is a city in Indonesia. I found this article and have had contributed a major editing. Yesterday (21/08/2006), I've put this article in the WP:GA nominee list. In just a few hours, it was delisted and tagged as having WP:NPOV in dispute. As far as my concern, there is no dispute about its neutrality. In the talk page, the reason of having NPOV in dispute because the article looks like a travel agent brochure and there is no mention of events that I don't know about it. I need a feedback from independent readers here, whether the article has NPOV enough. Does the article look like a travel agent brochure? Thank you very much in advance for your responses. This is the last diff page that I remember before I edited to the current page. Cheers. &mdash; Indon 14:24, 22 August 2006 (UTC)

project the dears, next season
Dear sir,

I am new user on your system, I try many ways to e-mail my question over the wide web, but kept getting blocked walls. I didn't want to join your system has a user. I just wanted to post this this Question: are you or any of your staff going to make the next season of the DearS for contact 5 thru 8 in the dvds set. has are now, they in book novels only. I would love to have them in dvd set, to add to my library set..I've enjoy the DearS program in dvd setting, i wish to see more of the same. I am only a veiwer of your program shows. And wish to see more of the same, I been veiwing your dvd show over a web site called Http://www.Netflix.com and buy soon dvd program on web site, to add to my library listing.. so keep up with your good work, in these program.

New user pmadams_98

ps, i am not sure what i am to do now in your system, I just wanted to leave feedback here..and hope to see more of your funny program, they have me in tears when i watch them.. and have enjoy them alot, thanks.

One other thing! i know nothing about program or how to write about your story here, I am just a veiwer. i am just going to save the page


 * Are you trying to get into Unusual requests? --J.L.W.S. The Special One 15:19, 3 September 2006 (UTC)

TOV E. Rose, Celebrity Chaplain
Note: The entire article was posted here, minutes before it was speedy deleted for being non-notable. I've removed it (we can always put it back from history) and asked Toviaheli what feedback they wanted. Yomangani talk 17:06, 6 September 2006 (UTC)

Quite good
Wikipedia is going quite good as it is a free encyclopedia. Everybody should be greatful that it is free and shouldn't criticize it alot. Well, Wikipedia does have some errors but don't everyone make mistakes. it is a good effort for Wikipedia to exist on our internet.


 * Ummm, I think you posted this is the wrong place. This is an area to discuss and review edits to articles and possible imiprovements, not to discuss the pros and cons of Wikipedia. You may find the article on Wikipedia of interest. 0L1 14:49, 23 September 2006 (UTC)

Virtua Tennis
I hoping to improve this article, but I would like to know in what ways it could improve. Thankyou for any help that you can offer. 0L1 20:29, 22 September 2006 (UTC)
 * It needs expanding with some details on the gameplay, development and more on the characters and critical reception. Take a look at the recently promoted Featured Article Shadow of the Colossus for an example of how you could expand the article. Yomangani talk 23:23, 24 September 2006 (UTC)

Telephone_federal_excise_tax
This is a significant âcurrent eventâ, after all, its not every day that the US Government throws in the towel on collecting a tax and admits that it has been unlawfully collecting it for the past hundred or so years. I would like to eventually work this article up to featured status by the time tax time comes around next year, as that would be both timely and relevant. Any feedback that can be provided would be appreciated, specifically on what additional information could be added and any additional sections that should be added, and also your suggestions on the use of "Effective partial repeal" (see talk page for history) for a header, or if there would be a more eloquent term to describe the situation. --Shortfuse 05:42, 19 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Shortfuse! I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF. Please note that Featured Article standards are very high, and it will be very difficult to get your article to featured status. I suggest you aim for Good Article status instead; You may wish to read the good article criteria and send the article for peer review.
 * Thanks for the suggestions. Do you have a paticularly well formated artical you could point me to as an example? I have put it in for a Peer Review as well. --Shortfuse 23:47, 25 September 2006 (UTC)
 * I suggest you read other articles on similar topics (laws that have been repealed) to get an idea on how such articles should be structured. The article needs more information on why the US government considered repealing the law, and the reactions to the law being repealed.
 * I'm sorry I couldn't give more useful feedback - I'm short of time. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 12:13, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the suggestions, I have made a note of them and will try to include them in a revision! --Shortfuse 23:47, 25 September 2006 (UTC)

St. George's School, Ascot
St George's School, Ascot is a independent boarding and day school in Ascot, Berkshire, England. It is a single-sex girls school, which selects all of its incoming students on the basis of examined ability, usually at age 11, with a few entrants at 13 and 16. Carole Jordan is the current headmistress of the school.
 * Hey there, I assume this is Cowarth, as this person edited the most on the article. First of all, welcome to Wikipedia, though it seems you've been around since September the 5th. Before going to the article, I just want you to know (or read) WP:NOTABLE to understand which topics are notable and which ones are not. However it seems the school topic is in progress :P. For the article itself, it is a really good start, with good content and outline. Also, I like that you've included references, as it will satisfy WP:OR and WP:V (sorry about the shortcuts! :P). However, according to WP:MOS, the subheadings should be in lowercase, except the first letter of course. But if its a particular name, you shouldn't be worry about it. And also try to make the flow of the article looks nice by re-organising the subheadings, like, The Grounds and Hall could be under one subheadings called Places or something like that. I noticed the Old girls part and I don't really understand what that means, of course it wouldn't be really nice if you call someone "old" heheheh. Moreover, some pictures could improve the quality of the article, but ensure you've got the right to publish it. Last but not least, try using WP:CITET for references. Actually I'm learning about it as well, so lets learn together! Finally, happy editing! If you have something to ask, don't hesitate to post it on my talk page. Cheers -- I   mo   eng  08:06, 26 September 2006 (UTC)

Harvard Referencing
Please see a request in the Discussion/talk currently at the top of the page (MacAuslan 10:32, 27 September 2006 (UTC)

In particular, it's about how to use the 'Harvard' (better known, in my view, as (author-date) sytem) system of referencing in the article on Harvard Referencing...

Of course, I'd be grateful for feedback...

MacAuslan 11:10, 28 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, MacAuslan. I'm Hildanknight, creator of RFF. Please ask any questions about Harvard referencing at the Help desk, and read Wikipedia's help page on Harvard referencing. If you are seeking feedback on an article, please include a link to that article. To add a link to an article, enclose the article name in double square brackets. For example, Google Groups links to the Google Groups article. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 11:35, 28 September 2006 (UTC)

Deleted articles
I submitted an article "First Aerial Victory by the US military."It was my first submission, and it was apparently deleted.I can't find how to go to Recently Deleted Articles and I want to know why it was deleted.

Bobby Jim Follow this link: (although there has been nothing deleted with that exact name). Yomangani talk 19:30, 29 September 2006 (UTC)

a poem written by Milton Vishnu Williams - fair heart wounded
I was a friend of Milton and his wife Dorothy some years back, he wrote this poem for me about me and although i did have a morden tower book containing this poem, i have misplaced it as the years have passed - i would like to know if anyone has a copy of this. —Preceding unsigned comment added by Elle-crossley (talk • contribs)
 * I've edited your comment so it doesn't stretch the page, FYI.
 * At any rate, I think this question might be more appropriate for the reference desk which specializes in knowledge questions and the like.Also, did you try searching?You are editing an encyclopÃ¦dia after all. â Keakealani â¢Poke Meâ¢contribsâ¢ 23:59, 15 August 2006 (UTC)

Hide&amp;Reason 12:17, 30 September 2006 (UTC)

Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura
(My most recent edit cf. the version before my first)

Spent the last few days fiddling.Here's what I've done:


 * Revised sections:
 * Intro--More than just an opening line needed, perhaps?
 * Gameplay--Talking about the gameplay's dichotomy and then explaining the two sides of the combat system seems like a logical way of doing it.Keeps a good flow to the article.
 * Trivia--Disorganised and, like most of the page, was pivoted around Fallout.Bulletpoint is beautiful.
 * Half-ogre Island conspiracy--Discussion consensus was that it was far too large.Cut down and rewritten for general readership.
 * My additions:
 * Development--Slim pickings, I'm afraid.There's just an all-round scarcity of data for the game, unforunately.
 * Reception--I'm new to WP's referencing system.Tell me if I've made a mistake.
 * Soundtrack--I hope there's no copyvio as regards the embedded link. I figured that if major distributors are giving you the OST, it must be legit.

As for the Locations and Races info, I'm undecided about whether to cull them, or remove them to a separate article altogether.I've really just (partially) wikified it and tightened up the language.They make the menu irritatingly long, frankly.

Glad to hear anything you've got. Hide&amp;Reason 12:17, 30 September 2006 (UTC)

Question about article creation
Dear friends at Wikipedia,

Am I able to post a putative hypothesis of the creation of the universe, that offers a different explaination of the creation of the universe other than the currently accepted big bang?

Kind regards, Mick 
 * You probably would have wanted to ask this at the Help Desk, but since you're here I'll answer you anyway.In short, the answer is no, unless you have some way of verifying that this "theory" is verifiable and not Original Research, which it sure sounds like.In general, you should try to cite reliable academic publications discussing the validity of the theory in your article, or it is unlikely it will stay.â K e  akealani  07:10, 1 October 2006 (UTC)

Minamata disease
I'd like to get some feedback on the Minamata disease article that I've been editing for the past few months now. I've been working mainly on the History section to explain how the disease was discovered and handled afterwards. I'm planning to edit and reference the Compensation and Democratizing effects sections soon and also add a section about the way the disaster was handled by the local and national government. Any comments big or small would be most welcome! Bobo12345 05:48, 1 October 2006 (UTC)
 * It's very well written if you ask me, but citation no 2 is used too much, so maybe some more sources are needed? Still, bravo from me, that should be a WP:GA some time soon. Michael Billington (talk â¢ contribs) 07:17, 1 October 2006 (UTC)

India Christian Mission Church ( 1897 AD )
Dear Sir,

Greetings.

Our Church should also be enlisted in the Churches of India. The name of our founder The Revd.Arthur Stephen Paynter ( England) may also be included in the list of Missionaries to India. The name of our Bishops : The Most Revd.N.Victor Amrutha Rao and the Rt.Revd.Dr.N.JOHN SD Raju may also be added in the list of Bishops in India. Please visit us at : http:// heal.up.to

Mr.A.R.Lawrence, Diocesan Secretary, Diocese of Krishna Godavary


 * You may edit these articles yourself, see Editing Wikipedia for details. Yomangani talk 23:30, 11 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Arthur Stephen Paynter is now a stub. Talskiddy 22:05, 4 October 2006 (UTC)

Brain-computer interface
Hi, over the past month, I've made what I hope are substantial improvements to Brain-computer interface and wanted to please request some feedback about what needs to be done to get it up to good article status. Several months ago the article failed to receive 0.5 wiki status, and since I've begun editing I've been working through a list of things I thought needed doing (see Talk:Brain-computer_interface). I think the article still has some way to go before reaching good status but I'd really like to know what the top priorities should be for future edits. NB: I haven't provided before and after comparisons because the highh volume of edits. Thanks Saganaki- 00:23, 28 September 2006 (UTC)
 * Hi there Saganaki, how are you? You seem like a very good editor, I can see it on your article. For me, it is a good article, and I am sure it will pass WP:GA soon. You have plenty of inline citations, which is great, reasonable length of introduction and I really like your headings style. To improve it, I think you should get rid off the red links. If you can, it would be awesome if you make stubs, or else, try to reduce the red links. Also, try to add more images, like, BCI in human, if you can. Images are good to visualise what you are saying. One last thing is the portal link, I usually put that under "See also" section. Apart from those things, the article rocks! Way to go!! Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  07:39, 1 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Thanks Imoeng, that a steer in the right direction --Saganaki- 06:57, 2 October 2006 (UTC)

Gary McSheffery
Could people give me feedback on the article what needs to be changed etc?? âThe preceding unsigned comment was added by Nathan Hoey (talk â¢ contribs) 10:11, 1 October 2006(UTC)
 * Hello, umm, Nathan Hoey, how are you? Strangely I couldn't seem to see your edit on the article, but that is alright. You've got a good start with the article, with infobox template, good lead section and enough wikilinks. However I cannot comment much on this article since there is not much information at present. So, you can put to tag the article as a stub. Stub doesn't mean "bad", it means it needs some major expansion, which I'm sure you'll find it easy. Another thing is references, try look at WP:REF for references. It is important to avoid original research and neutral point of view. Moreover, inline citations are extremely important, which you'll need for WP:GA and WP:FA. Try using citation templates. Lastly, you can put his photo on the article. Okay, maybe that will be all for now, if you have any question, don't hesitate to ask me or go to the help desk. Good luck, take care --  I   mo   eng  20:32, 1 October 2006 (UTC)

Movie Battles
Heya,

I'd like to get some feedback on the above page. It started out very how-toy, and I think I've dealt with a lot of it, and I'm planning to do even more, but what else needs to be changed? Does it need more pictures? Wooty 18:40, 2 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Heya too, Wooty, how are you? I like the article, it is very informative, although I can still smell the "how-to" tone there. I like the images best, because those can visualise what you are saying, and because it is a game, people have to see it. However I reckon you should make them smaller as they take about more than half of the page width. Okay, here is the list of things you can improve.
 * The most important thing, citation, and I couldn't see any single one of them, which is, um, needs to be done. If you don't put any citation, I am afraid you will fail Neutral Point of View and Original Research and other stuff you don't want to hear :P. Read Footnotes for help.
 * As the article mainly discusses about the gameplay, you can also write about the development and public perception. You can easily gather references or citations for this one, of course.
 * When I read the article, again, how-to tone is somewhat still there, also it is somewhat like a list of information. Try improve the prose of the article, it is important to pass good article.
 * According to Manual of Style (headings), we should avoid linking headings, but I reckon it is alright for your article, as the information under each heading is not that much to use "main article template".
 * I also see separator line between ARC Trooper and Imperialists section. Is there any missing heading?
 * Lastly, per Lead Section, the "title words" in the lead section should be bolded, I can help you with that.
 * With this amount of information, you only need citations and fix the flow of the article, and I am sure it will pass WP:GA and maybe WP:FA soon. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  21:10, 3 October 2006 (UTC)

Maserati MC12
I rewrote the article and would like to extend it further. This is the major edit I made but I have since added a bit more. I know it needs more pictures, and I am currently looking but because it is such a rare vehicle there are few pictures that aren't under copyright. What I would like to know is what should be added to make it better? Thanks... James086 02:44, 3 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello James086 how are you? I've just read the article and I think it is a good article, with reasonable amount of information and nice photo. Another thing, which is probably one of the most important thing is the inline citations, which great, you've used citation template and you can see the result, its great. For the improvements, I think I will just list it here, alright?
 * Inline citation should be put after punctuation per manual of style
 * By looking at Wikipedia:Lead Section, your lead section should be longer, you could write about the development, in brief. Also you can also write about notable buyer, as its pretty expensive, of course, if you can find the info.
 * When I read the whole article, it still needs prose improvement, because at the moment it still looks like a list of information. Try expand each bit of information a bit more.
 * Well that is all for now, I will help you with the inline citation format though, as its pretty stressing thing to do by yourself. If you have satisfied, please put it back here, so we can see the improvements. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  10:58, 3 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Thanks a lot, I will work on what you have suggested. Also thanks for the help with inline citation. James086 15:43, 3 October 2006 (UTC)

Christian Hedonism
Hi, I'd like to know more about Christian Hedonism, the present stub seems not enough. Would I have any chance to enjoy a full article on this subject in the near future? Thanks, - 221.121.33.118 04:24, 7 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Welcome to Wikipedia! I suggest you be BOLD: create an account and contribute to the article (then seek feedback on your contributions here)! If you have no intention to contribute to the article (for example, because you lack sufficient expertise in the subject), you may list it at Requests for expansion. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 12:59, 7 October 2006 (UTC)

Surfactin and Dwarf Crocodile
Any corrections regarding grammar and organization are most welcome to any of these articles. Dracontes 15:09, 3 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Surfactin This I think was a copy/paste from a paper on the subject at this revision. I thought it had sufficient notability to not get an outright deletion request so I trimmed it a lot and wikified it the best I could.
 * Dwarf Crocodile This I found with only a single line of text succintly describing the animal. As a good article on this animal was lacking, I found the links at References and made a composite text that reflected the websites' information.

Surfactin
Hello Dracontes, sorry for the late reply. I have read the Surfactin article and I think it has a good potential to pass good article. I know I keep saying that but I am honest :). The best thing about the article is good amount of information and use of inline citations. I really like the way you used it, with the right formatting as well. I also noticed the stub template at the bottom of the article, which I think should be removed as the article is not a stub. The prose of the article is also great! Okay this is the downside of the article
 * Because the subject matter is very technical, why don't you put some pre-explanation about the topic before you get to the real topic? I saw a guideline that a great article should contain enough info that the reader do not have to look up another article. Probably it will be worth to try.
 * You could also put some images to help us understand better.

So thats all for now, if you can, please put that article here again so we can see the improvements. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  09:49, 5 October 2006 (UTC) (oh yeah, I will comment on the other article as well)

Dwarf Crocodile
While Surfactin has heaps of inline citations, I cannot see why you can't put citations on Dwarf Crocodile as well. With that kind of specific information (which is great!), I reckon you can easily find many sources and put them to the article. Just a suggestion, you might want to see citation template (have I told you this? :P). You can also expand the lead section, and read lead section if you want. It has helped me to write better lead sections :). The last thing is probably to expand the content of each headings, because those are still look empty. Apart from these things, the article is really good. If you have some questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  07:58, 8 October 2006 (UTC)

Baseball scorekeeping - cleanup
This page has been tagged for cleanup since June, so being a former official scorer, and still one of those people who keeps score at every game I go to, I did a complete rewrite of it back in August.Except I'm having trouble getting other baseball people to read through the entire thing, and I don't want to just go replacing the entire original article without some feedback and/or improvement from other knowledgeable editors.

My new version is a user subpage (User:Dakern74/Baseball_scorekeeping) for the moment, and you can feel free to leave comments there.Thanks. -- dakern74 (talk) 01:13, 4 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello how are you? Sorry for the late reply, but I am not a baseball dude :P. So, hmm, you have got plenty of information there, and I can see you are an expert in these things, well done. However, I have seen people who understand very much about the subject matter on the article often do not put citation whatsoever. I can understand this because people already know the information without any resource. That is why, my first and the most important feedback is to add heaps of citations, preferably inline citations. I am afraid, if you do not put any citation, you will fail original research and verifiability. I will list some possible improvements
 * According to Manual of Style (headings), you should avoid linking any heading, so it is better to put after the content of one heading/subheading.
 * The main thing I notice is the flow of the article, which is in dot points. I also understand this is like a guide of baseball scoring, but you have to be carefull of What Wikipedia is Not. With many dot points, people may think it is a "how-to" article. I also once made an article made of lists, but then many people told me to avoid lists.
 * I cannot emphasize enough that you need inline citations, or maybe for the first step, general references will do. Also try to put See also section at the bottom.
 * Maybe that is all for now, if you have any question or disagreement, please do not hesitate to put it on my talk page. Good luck, all the best and take care -- I   mo   eng  02:25, 8 October 2006 (UTC)

Thank you for your help

Eugene Schieffelin
Wrote a new bio of Eugene Schieffelin...

All of the European starlings in the USA are here because a guy named Eugene Schieffelin imported a flock from England and in 1890 released them into New York's Central Park.There are now 200 million European starlings in the USA, as a result.

Thanks for taking a look.

Phowitt 20:50, 4 October 2006 (UTC) phowitt
 * Hello Phowitt, welcome to Wikipedia! You might want to design your userpage, it is fun, hehehe. It is a good start, really, you have got the basic information about him, you just need to expand it a little bit more. I also noticed it has been around for only 6 days, well done. Here are some things you can improve.
 * Firstly, please read Manual of Style (biographies) for a complete things you need to know about biographies in Wikipedia. You also might want to join WikiProject Biography to learn more about it.
 * As I always said, citations and references are the most important things you need to know, probably more important than the content itself :P. Because even though you have written 20000 words, it is useless without any citation. Inline citations are desirable.
 * I should have written this first, that Eugene Schieffelin should be a notable person to be in Wikipedia, try to read Notability (people).
 * I noticed many external links in the main content of the article, which I have rarely seen before. I mean, I haven't read any policy about that, but it is just not very popular style.
 * Maybe that is all for now, but please, please, I really want to see any improvement on the article. Probably I will add it to my watchlist, but you can also bring it back here. Good luck, all the best and take care -- I   mo   eng  02:36, 8 October 2006 (UTC)
 * FYI Imoeng, the page that says to not put external links in the article body is External links. Specifically, it says that links not used as references should only be in the External links section. &mdash; Saxifrage â 02:46, 8 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Thank you Saxifrage! I   mo   eng  07:50, 8 October 2006 (UTC)

John Robbins
The John Robbins article was mostly plagarized, so I re-wrote it.It should be checked for NPOV.--Karuna8 23:24, 8 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Looks pretty NPOV to me.I'm going to go in and do a little grammar-nazi copy-editing, but other than that it's a promising start and I can see it doing well. â K e  akealani  00:50, 9 October 2006 (UTC)

Essawiki
Please consider my user page as an innovative concept of interest, and give me feedback. That would be very much appreciated.
 * Wikipedia is not a place to write essays on the topics found here, so unfortunately your idea is not acceptable. This is from WP:NOT:

Please do not use Wikipedia for any of the following:...Personal essays or Blogs that state your particular opinions about a topic. Wikipedia is supposed to compile human knowledge. It is not a vehicle to make personal opinions become part of human knowledge. In the unusual situation where the opinions of a single individual are important enough to discuss, it is preferable to let other people write about them. Personal essays on topics relating to Wikipedia are welcome at Meta. There is a Wikipedia fork at Wikinfo that encourages personal opinions in articles. I hope this doesn't discourage you from contributing in other ways. Yomangani talk 00:11, 9 October 2006 (UTC)

Portal:Photography
I have been working on a photography portal, but I am new around here and I need losts of feedback and/or editing help.Also, I would like to know where to place it to get more people interested in working on it.-Gphoto 22:38, 9 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Reviewed on the user's talk page. I   mo   eng  09:29, 10 October 2006 (UTC)

The Gateau Affairs
I just made the table. I understand that it is not really Wikified. any other things that I can improve on?-- Tdxi an  g  09:07, 10 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello tdxiang, how are you? You said "I just made the table", which table do you mean? I will just review the whole article, alright? You have got enough information there, which is good. I also think you have understood about lead section and wikilinks. Here are some possible improvements.
 * For the lead section, you can expand it a bit more, by writing about where does it aired, are there other countries airing this show and stuff like that.
 * Again, sorry but I have to say this, citations. Moreover, inline citations are extremely important to satisfy no original research and verifiability. I remember that time when my article got deleted :(, but I am sure you can do better than me.
 * I saw a spoiler plot template there, but I could not see the closing template.
 * When I read the synopsis, I found that the sentences are rather monotone, sorry to say this. Probably you can vary the length of the sentences and make the prose better. Above all, if you have great amount of info, the delivery would significantly improve it.
 * Try to put "see also" and "external links" section. They are not compulsory, but they will make it a real article (I mean, its not common to have an article without them).
 * Again, this is a great start, please do not stop expanding it. If you have some more questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. Good luck and take care. Cheers -- I   mo   eng  09:56, 10 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, Tdxiang! I don't need to introduce myself; we know each other! This article needs a lot of work.
 * Firstly, the article does not provide a broad coverage of its subject, which is one of the Good Article criteria. The article should contain more information about the show, besides the plot. For example, how was it produced? What did critics think? Were there any sequels?
 * Please remember that Wikipedia is an encyclopedia. While comprehensiveness is good, the Character and Synopsis sections contain too much detail, to the level of being fancruft. Please try to write in summary style.
 * In addition, the article does not have any references. Please find some references, and add some internal links and external links to improve the structure of the article.
 * I hope you find my feedback useful, and use it to improve the article. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 10:40, 10 October 2006 (UTC)

Blade Heart
This article of a show was just created today. I'd like to know how to improve on it. Thanks.-- Tdxi an  g  10:25, 10 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello again, you sure is a great contributor :)!! For this time, probably I will not give as much comment as before, since the content is fewer than your previous article. However the current information is pretty good, I can see some good points in the infobox. Also, do not forget about citations, since probably it is as important as the content itself. When I looked at your previous article, also this article, I think you will find reading lead section is good to improve your lead sections. Okay, maybe that is all for now. But please come back if you have expanded the article a bit more. Good luck and take care - I  <font color="blue"&gt;mo   eng  11:38, 10 October 2006 (UTC)

Template:Maserati
This is a Template that would go on the end of articles (namely Maserati vehicles). This is the first template I have made and would like to know if there are any changes that need to be made before putting it on the bottom of suitable articles? Perhaps the date structure should be changed, I don't know. Also check out the talk page for the general format that I followed when making it. Thanks, James086 13:05, 10 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello again, James086, how are you? Wow you sure a Maserati ultimate fan! :P The template is already looking good actually, you have done a great job and the date is fine, I reckon. I have tried to improve it myself but I couldn't, ahahahha. Here are some points
 * Try to add an edit button so other users can change or modify the template easily. Just a small "e" on the bottom right of the template is fine.
 * I noticed for the 3200 GT, the GT is not on the same line as the 3200. I don't know whether its my browser or what. If it happens in yours, try to fix that.
 * Although "Racing Vehicle" is a bit off topic, I think it won't harm.
 * Probably you should list all the models, although there will be too many red links. When other Maserati fans look at the redlinks, it is possible they will make a new article for that particular model. Just a suggestion, maybe a bad suggestion :P
 * As I said, it is already looking good. Maybe in the future you can make WikiProject Maserati. Click the link!! :P Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  21:13, 10 October 2006 (UTC)


 * Yes, I'm back. Thanks for the quick and useful feedback :). I have tried everything you recommended except I left the racing vehicles on. If the racing vehicles section makes the template too red with links or it doesn't really fit it can go. I added the edit button, the red linked cars and trimmed it a bit so it didn't have a long bit of blank. The 3200 GT is all on one line for me so it may be your browser, screen resolution or maybe it's mine. If it only appears to be good for me then it should be changed. I'm going to look at it on another computer this afternoon so I will change it then if it doesn't fit. I'm going to start putting it on the ends of articles now, Thanks again. James086 02:01, 11 October 2006 (UTC)

Meg Griffin
This is an article about the fictional character from the animated show, Family Guy. I've made some pretty major edits (see differences) to the page in the last week concerning the article's length and quality, which has met with some resistance from fans of the show. I have concerns that much of the information on this page is not encyclopedic, and may instead be more appropriate on a fansite like The Family Guy Wiki. We have not gotten into an edit war (yet). The talk page has more details. Please weigh in. Thank you. --C-squared 19:15, 10 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Hello, C-squared! Unfortunately, it is difficult to give feedback on your edit, because your edit is primarily deletion of a large section of text. It is generally bad form to remove large sections of text from an article, but I understand that you were removing fancruft. If you have not contributed significantly to the article, and need suggestions on how to improve it, you can seek a peer review. After you make further contributions to the article (in the form of writing, not deletions), you may wish to come back here and seek feedback. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 13:46, 11 October 2006 (UTC)
 * Thanks&#8212;this has been very helpful. --C-squared 16:29, 11 October 2006 (UTC)

How is my first article?
I just did a little work to my page on [Steven Vaiani] the drummer for [An Albatross].

I feel as if my links are not great. They work fine but they all have those brackets around them. Also, sometime the thumbnail pic shows up and sometimes it apears as a text link to the picture.

Those are my thoughts. I hope it is ok. I look forward to working with this site, as I have been an avid user for well over a year now.

thanks, Thomas Kachel
 * Hello Thomas Kachel, how are you? Welcome to Wikipedia! First of all, to make a wikilink (internal link) you only need to put the Wikipedia address, which is the first words you see on each page, for example, Steven Vaiani . What you did is, you put the whole url. If you want to put the whole url, you only need one square bracket.
 * So, about the article, you have got a nice lead section, sufficient information, so we know what is the article about. First of all I'd like you to compare with another drummer article, and I can only think of one drummer, Mike Portnoy, although I is not a good example, since it has no citation whatsoever. Speaking about citation, Wikipedia will always ask editors to put citations or references, so you will not categorised as Original Research and non-Neutral Point of View. If you fail these things, I am afraid people have no choice but to delete it (I learned from my mistake :P). Noticed I have added "stub" template at the bottom, you might want to read WP:STUB to know more about it. By the way, have you read Help:Starting a new page and Help:Editing? These will really help you improve. So now, try to expand it a bit more, then come back here because I really want to see the article improve (its nice to see any improvement!). I also have added the article to my watchlist so I can help you with some particular things. If you have any question, just drop me a message on my talk page or ask it to the help desk. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  20:51, 12 October 2006 (UTC)
 * I have found a better article for a comparison, although I like Mike Portnoy more :D. Try to look at Travis Barker. Notice how the citation works. Oh yeah, I haven't told you about inline citation, please look at the link. Also, I have removed a statement that contained no neutral point of view, such as "talented drummer". To keep these sort of statements, you need to add citations after the statement. There are really many things to learn, as I'm also still learning now. Good luck and take care -- I   mo   eng  21:10, 12 October 2006 (UTC)