Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Jeannette Piccard/archive 1

Jeannette Piccard
Hello. This article is about a week old but it is cited and the topics I know about are in place thanks to the help of a family member. Do you think it has the potential to be an FA? I requested GA review (no comments yet, and sorry I didn't realize you did reviews here or would have asked in the reverse order). Thanks for any comments. -Susanlesch 21:59, 1 February 2007 (UTC)

Yannismarou
Nice, indeed. Wait for GAC, and if you pass, I think the article can go straight to FAC. This is my review
 * "Called a woman of causes and irrepressible". By whom?
 * "See also: Piccard". This link takes me to a disamb. page. Why is that necessary?
 * "when Jean Piccard joined the faculty of the University of Minnesota, where Piccard was present for many of Jean Piccard's lectures." Too many "Piccars"s in one sentence! Not the best prose possible.
 * "The Piccard family was more interested in science at high altitudes and in flying for the joy[7] of it than in setting records.[8]" Why don't you have both citations at the end of the sentence, so not to interrupt it? In general, don't cite in the middle of the sentences, unless it is absolutely necessary for emphasis reasons. And why don't you combine them in one citation?
 * "The armed forces again decided to use the balloon, and sponsored by the Army Air Corps and National Geographic Society, Settle with Maj. Chester L. Fordney of the US Marine Corps flew to 61,237 feet for a new altitude record.[6][14][16][17] ". Again try not to have so many citations in a row. Combine them (per Tourette syndrome or Battle of Edson's Ridge).
 * "Jean and Jeannette Piccard planned a flight to the stratosphere. They decided Jean would concentrate on science and Jeannette would be pilot. Piccard studied under Edward J. Hill[21] at Ford Airport in Dearborn, Michigan. Her son Don Piccard was enlisted as a crew member for a test flight in 1933. Henry Ford wanted them to succeed, provided use of his hangar, and brought Orville Wright to observe a flight that year.[7] On June 16, 1934, Piccard flew her first solo flight.[22]" Choppy prose IMO.
 * "She soon faced discrimination on the basis of her gender, a form of predjudice today called sexism." Uncited.
 * "Even Goodyear, a longtime Piccard family backer, was reluctant. Dow Chemical asked that their trade names and logo be removed from publicity and the Century of Progress balloon. The Piccards were able to obtain financing from the Grigsby-Grunow radio company and the People's Outfitting Company. Henry Ford lent his hangar as a launch site.[22]" Again, I think this is choppy.
 * "NASA" is stubby. Maybe you should merge or expand.
 * Minor: Alphabetize categories at the end of the article.
 * Some reviewers prefer sections like "Honors" to have proper prose. But again this may be a personal preference.--Yannismarou 10:59, 6 February 2007 (UTC)