Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Peer review/Blair Anderson Wark/Archive 1

Blair Anderson Wark
I have been working on this article recently, and was considering nominating it for GA, but thought I would seek a peer review first to asertain whether it was yet good enough. Any and all comments for improvements welcome. Thanks, Abraham, B.S. (talk) 07:46, 27 August 2008 (UTC)

Woody

 * Looking good, a few comments:
 * Could you link Quantity surveyor in the lead, I had no idea what one was...


 * ...before re-enlisting for service in Second World War." Should be in the Second World War.


 * I am not understanding this: "From July 1911 to July 1912, Wark served as a senior cadet rising to the rank of sergeant, prior to enlisting in the 18th North Sydney Infantry, Citizen Military Forces. Promoted to corporal in early 1913, he was commissioned as a second lieutenant on 16 August..." So, was he a Sergeant in the Cadets at the college? Then, he enlisted as a corporal in the Citizen Military Forces, before being commissioned? It would probably be best to separate the sentences, and expand or wikilink the Cadets. As it stands, it looks to me like he was a Sergeant before being promoted to Corporal.
 * I think I have made it clearer now. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 22:52, 2 September 2008 (UTC)


 * Either way, you need to expand on what the Citizen Military Forces are. I can't find an appropriate link anywhere so it should be expanded here, or create a stub and wikilink to it. It still needs to be expanded on in the text though, to provide context for the reader.
 * The Citizen Military Forces (CMF) was the then form of the Australian Army Reserve; I have now linked this. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 22:52, 2 September 2008 (UTC)


 * "He preceeded to Liverpool" Um, what? I think you mean proceed, or travelled, or went, but not Precede.
 * He preceeded, as in he travelled. I think I was right the first time, as that is what the word means. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 23:11, 2 September 2008 (UTC)
 * To precede is to come before in the sense of ranking or status. I think you do mean proceed, as in 'go to.' - Hargrimm | Θ 23:44, 2 September 2008 (UTC)
 * wiktionary:Proceed, Precede. Woody (talk) 00:43, 3 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Sorry fellas, all fixed now. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 02:16, 3 September 2008 (UTC)


 * Perhaps consider delinking the dates, they do seem to overwhelm the text somewhat, and devalue the other links.


 * "...he was able to quickly dispersed of them with rife fire and grenades." needs rewording to make it grammatically correct, perhaps, ...he was able to quickly disperse the enemy with rifle fire and grenades.


 * I cleaned up some typos, other than that, looks good. I can't see any major gaps in the topic, other than noted above. It does need a little copyedit though. Good work. Woody (talk) 13:04, 2 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Thanks, Woody. I'll go and ask someone if they will copyedit it for me, and then nominate it for GA. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 23:11, 2 September 2008 (UTC)
 * YellowMonkey has now completed a copyedit on the article. Abraham, B.S. (talk) 08:59, 5 September 2008 (UTC)