Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Peer review/Edmund Herring

Edmund Herring
Hawkeye7 12:10, 15 July 2007 (UTC)

Kirill Lokshin
Quite good, overall; a number of possible improvements, though: Keep up the good work! Kirill 17:52, 20 July 2007 (UTC)
 * The lead needs to be considerably longer; it should be a brief (two or three paragraphs) but thorough summary of the article, not a one-sentence blurb.
 * Section names should be in sentence case.
 * Long quotes will look much neater if properly formatted with blockquote tags.
 * The "Further reading" section shouldn't repeat works already listed in the references. Beyond this, I would recommend against the long-form first citation style; if the order of material in the article is rearranged, the citation will no longer make sense.  I would suggest instead using short-form citations throughout and having a separate listing of references; see, for example, here.
 * The long quote in the "Quotes" section needs to be worked into the text or moved to WikiQuote.
 * The "See also" section should be eliminated; if the links are important, they should be given in the text.
 * All done, although the short form citations make me wince Hawkeye7

Jackyd101
Not bad, but some points.
 * Lead should be longer, recommend two sizable paragraphs explaining who he was, what he did and why he was notable in greater detail. Write in a clear and concise way, without references.
 * Writing clearly and concisely goes against my grain but I have inserted three paragraphs.


 * Did Edmund and Mary begin a relationship soon after they met? It jumps from them meeting to married; perhaps a short clarifying clause needed.
 * Yes, they had one month in January 1918, and corresponded after he returned to Salonika and Oxford. They got back together again in 1920. Added a couple of clauses.


 * "He joined the Young Nationalists, an organisation founded by Robert Menzies and Wilfred Kent Hughes." When and who were they?
 * I've wiki-linked it.


 * In Greece, the piece implies he abandoned his men, is this the case? And if so, didn't anybody have anything to say about it?
 * It does say that he "was ordered to evacuate from Greece". I have elaborated this episode.


 * At Buna it jumps from difficulties in supply to victory without any explanation. a sentence briefly explaining the battle would help. The following paragraph is also quite choppy, recommend smoothing the text out a bit.


 * "it was not Savige's fault". Its not clear what exactly Savige was being blamed for. Also, wording is a little awkward.
 * Decapitalised wikilinks where it makes grammatical sense. I have done a few but keep an eye out for them. (especially Battle of . . )
 * "However" used too much at start of sentences and even paragraphs. It is sometimes redundant and should be removed or replaced.
 * Done


 * World War II section too long, break into smaller sub-sections "Western desert", "Return to Australia", "New Guinea" etc.
 * World War II section has several short paragraphs of one or two sentences. Incorporate them into longer paragraphs above and below.


 * All quotes not embedded in the text should be in blockquote format.
 * Done


 * Chief Justiceship has broken and short paragraphs.
 * Is there a wikilink to Lieutenant-Governor of Victoria?
 * No.


 * Some sentances have too many commas.
 * What is ANGAU? The story is interesting and links to any further information would be useful.
 * Australian New Guinea Administrative Unit. I'll probably have to write this one.


 * Red links in general, whilst not bad per se, can detract from the article stylistically. Maybe consider writing short bios for some of the red linked generals?
 * No, but I have prepared long ones on Downes, Berryman, Vasey and Northcott. Coming up: Burston, Fairley, Savige, Secombe, Sturdee and Steele


 * Long quote should either be incorporated into the text or moved to Wikiquote.
 * done


 * "References" should be come "Notes", "Further reading" should be come "References" and "See Also" should be incorporated into the text
 * done


 * Metadata needed, see Ronald Niel Stuart under edit this page at the bottom for an example.
 * Done


 * All texts used should be added to the new references section
 * Done

In all a good piece with a lot of information and some nice ideas. I did a small tidy of space etc. for you, but I think the article requires a full copyedit once the chages above are carried out to tighten it up. Sources are good and some interesting quotes found. All the best.--Jackyd101 11:51, 29 July 2007 (UTC)