Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Peer review/Heinrich Bär

Heinrich Bär
I would like to bring this article forward on the quality scale and seek feedback on its content, style and language. MisterBee1966 (talk) 17:36, 9 December 2008 (UTC)

Abraham, B.S.
Just a few things that stick out: Cheers, Abraham, B.S. (talk) 09:51, 11 December 2008 (UTC) Thanks for the feedbackMisterBee1966 (talk) 18:02, 11 December 2008 (UTC)
 * An endash (–) is required between the dates in the article and page ranges used in citations.
 * Citations should be placed after puncuation.done
 * "However, Hermann Göring personal ..." --> "However, Hermann Göring's personal ..."done
 * Commas should go after dates. For example: "In 1941 JG 51 was transferred ..." --> "In 1941, JG 51 was transferred ..." and "In early 1944 Bär, now a Major..." --> "In early 1944, Bär, now a Major..."done
 * Linking dates is no longer required and is informally discouraged, so consider delinking them.done
 * Consider seperating the "References" section into defined sections. For example, rename the "Bibliography" section to "References" and make it a single section; make "External links" into a single section; and have a single "Notes" section that contains the "Footnotes" and "Citations" subsections.done
 * Although well presented, the prose could probably benefit from a copyedit.

Nudve
Looks good overall. A couple of things:

Cheers, Nudve (talk) 17:22, 13 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) In the lead: "He is noted for his 220 aerial victories..." should be rephrased. Notability is to be shown, not stated.done
 * 2) In "World War II: "Even at this early stage of his combat career Bär showed an often blatant disregard for higher authority, a trait that would land the young ace in trouble numerous times" sounds like storytelling. Should be reworded or dropped. done
 * 3) In Mediterranean theatre: "which Göring hated to so much" should probably be changed to something like "which Göring was known to hate". done

Ian Rose
Well done - some suggestions... Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 01:07, 14 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) Intro:
 * 2) *"through the whole of World War II" could be compressed to "throughout World War II". done
 * 3) *"He emerged from the Battle of Britain with an accumulated 17 aerial victories" might be better worded as "By the end of the Battle of Britain his tally of victories had increased to 17". This incidentally helps cut down on the number times you say "accumulated" and "aerial victories"... done
 * 4) Early life: "The financial difficulties of Great Depression era made his dreams for receiving a civil pilot license impossible" is a bit dramatic. How about "The financial difficulties of Great Depression era prevented him from fulfilling his ambition to gain a civil pilot license", or some such? done
 * 5) World War II: Tend to agree with Nudve re. "Even at this early stage of his combat career Bär showed an often blatant disregard for higher authority, a trait that would land the young ace in trouble numerous times" but would prefer to see it toned down a little rather than eliminated; however you really should add an example of this rather than just have the bare assertion. done
 * 6) After the war:
 * 7) *"Bär did various work as an aviation consultant, and was killed while performing aerobatics in a light plane LF-1 Zaunkönig over Braunschweig on 28 April 1957" could be reworded as "Following World War II, Bär worked as an aviation consultant. He was killed while performing aerobatics in a light plane LF-1 Zaunkönig over Braunschweig on 28 April 1957." The bit about his death is too quick as it stands, deserves its own sentence. done extended a bit
 * 8) *Is there no more detail on his 12 years post-war? Bios are normally expected to include a bit of personal life like marriage/children - who survived him? partially done
 * 9) Summary of career:
 * 10) *"His claim of 124 aerial victories over Western-flown aircraft is second only to Hans-Joachim Marseille's 158 aerial victories, whereas almost all of Marseille's victories were scored in Africa" might be better worded as "His claim of 124 aerial victories over Western-flown aircraft is second only to Hans-Joachim Marseille's total of 158, almost all of the latter's victories being scored in Africa". done
 * 11) *We should minimise lists outside the infobox; recommend that Dates of rank data/citations simply be integrated into the main body and this list removed.

Thanks to all on giving feedback. MisterBee1966 (talk) 11:16, 15 December 2008 (UTC)