Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Controversy over the usage of Manchester Cathedral in Resistance: Fall of Man

Controversy over the usage of Manchester Cathedral in Resistance: Fall of Man
I decided to add this to the VGPR. Any advice on how to improve this? - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 20:43, 30 December 2008 (UTC)

I would suggest that you should shorten the name of the article to make it sound better. GamerPro64 (talk) 05:31, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Not exactly easy - it wouldn't be appropriate to call it "Resistance", for example. How would you suggest fixing the name? - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 05:32, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * How about "The Resistance: Fall of Man/Manchester Cathedral Controversy"? GamerPro64 (talk) 05:45, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * That wouldn't go well with how a title should be written, and it would be confusing to people until they read the article. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 05:51, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Maybe you can take out over the usage. GamerPro64 (talk) 05:54, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * I believe dropping it would ruin the grammar of the title. The length of this title in particular isn't enough of a problem that I should have to compensate. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 17:30, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Well, I suggest that you should find the reference to Sony's Responce. And if you can't, take it off. GamerPro64 (talk) 18:55, 4 January 2009 (UTC)


 * I think the title's fine, although "Resistance: Fall of Man controversy" might be appropriate if there were no other controversies surrounding the game. Tezkag72 (talk) 21:34, 19 March 2009 (UTC)

Review by MuZemike
Just a couple of things, especially when this article approaches FA: That's really all I have so far. Otherwise, it looks like the grammar has been worked on and the citation templates changed. Article is definitely on the right path. MuZemike 00:38, 19 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Expand the lead a little. Give more of an overview to readers about what to expect when they read the article.
 * Remember to include spaces before and after ellipses unless a punctuation mark immediately proceeds the ellipsis (see WP:ELLIPSIS).
 * Are there any external links that can be added to point readers to further reading and information?

Review by Guyinblack25
I did a quick sweep for minor issues. Hope it helps. Kudos an working on such an obscure, yet extremely real-world video game topic. (Guyinblack25 talk 23:12, 21 January 2009 (UTC))
 * I agree with MuZemike that the lead should be expanded, and some external links should be added.
 * The official websites for the Church of England and Sony Computer Entertainment look like good ones to me.
 * Also, I think this will help the Commons template squishing the reflist. An EL section would be a good place for the template.
 * Quick question, was the game kept in the BAFTAs or removed? The article ends with that kind of in the air.
 * Quote usage
 * Overall, I would paraphrase more. The fewer quotes used, the more meaning the ones kept will convey. Also, too much direct quoting can border on copyvio.
 * Why is the Church's first major quote nested in the paragraph, while Sony's is separated from it's surrounding text? I would have them both in the same format to avoid a possible bias; keep both sides even so to speak.
 * The mix of quotes mixed with regular prose in the "Church demands" section seemed off to me. Something like that should be either full quotes or minimal usage. A short phrase like "substantial donation" is fine to include, but "furthermore, that Sony..." is awkwardly placed.
 * Grammar and prose:
 * Reduce jargon and abbreviations:
 * Firefight → gun fight, shooting battle, or something similar
 * Rt Rev → ???
 * Comma usage to properly list info, improve flow, and avoid run on sentences.
 * "Officials described the use of the building as 'sick' and sacrilegious,  and stated Sony..."
 * These included an apology,  and a substantial donation
 * Paragraph length: Personally, I've never seen 2 sentence as enough for a paragraph, especially when followed by larger paragraphs. Just looks unbalanced to me.
 * Italics: All instances of "Resistance" in the article should be in italics, even if in quotes.
 * I did most of the stuff suggested, and unfortunately, I had to remove some content, as the source was not reliable (Spong); it wouldn't be so bad if a whole paragraph was their own personal opinion. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 18:54, 15 February 2009 (UTC)

Review by Vantine84

 * Grammar and prose:


 * Sentence structure - the following sentences are a little awkward:

Those are a few examples - the whole thing could use a good copyedit
 * "The use of the images of the cathedral caused controversy with the leaders of the Church of England, which claimed its depiction to be desecration and copyright infringement, as well as allowing players to shoot guns in a city with a gun problem." (the third part of the sentence doesn't fit in with the rest of the sentence's flow)
 * "The cathedral had received many supportive e-mails, and intended to make several demands of Sony, including an apology, a substantial donation, complete withdrawal of the game or modifying the segment featuring the interior of the cathedral, and financial support of Manchester groups trying to reduce gun crime in the city." (consider removing "had")
 * "In response to the allegations, Sony stated that that it was not based on reality, and they believed they had adequate permissions necessary." (considering changing "it" to "the game")

.
 * Picture of Blair: The caption states that Blair is the UK prime minister - maybe it should be changed to read "former prime minister."


 * The "church demands" section has few citations.
 * The "Sony's official response" section could probably be a subsection. Several of the sections after "Legal question at issue" (which is itself a rather ambiguous title) could also be made into subsections.

Keep up the good work! Vantine84 (talk) 09:24, 19 February 2009 (UTC)
 * While I haven't gone over the article with a fine-tooth comb yet, could I get some input on the new additions to the article? - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 08:19, 11 March 2009 (UTC)