Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Tōhoku Daigaku Karei Igaku Kenkyūjo Kawashima Ryuta Kyōju Kanshū Chotto Nō o Kitaeru Otona no DSi Training/Archive1

Tōhoku Daigaku Karei Igaku Kenkyūjo Kawashima Ryuta Kyōju Kanshū Chotto Nō o Kitaeru Otona no DSi Training
This is a "repackaging" of the Brain Age titles. I worked for a while on this, and for now, I've gotten as much as I can onto this article - I can't figure out a couple new puzzles, and I couldn't figure out what one of the repackaged puzzles was, as the Japanese version uses a decidedly different version from the English Brain Age titles, and it isn't clear exactly which one it is. So besides the missing content, peer review please? - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 21:01, 16 January 2009 (UTC)
 * You need to seperate the notes and references. GamerPro64 (talk) 04:57, 17 January 2009 (UTC)

Hi! As I said at Wikipedia talk:WikiProject Video games, this article should be moved to Chotto Brain Training. Megata Sanshiro (talk) 14:58, 18 January 2009 (UTC)

Review by Noj_R

Lead


 * At first glance, the lead could be expanded to two paragraphs.
 * The article's name is "Chotto Brain Training" but in the lead it is "Tōhoku Daigaku Karei Igaku Kenkyūjo Kawashima Ryuta Kyōju Kanshū Chotto Nō o Kitaeru Otona no DSi Training" - Look at Super Smash Bros. Melee or The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for correct ways to list the title. Out of curiosity, is the title of the game really that long?
 * Yes, it's really that long.
 * "and are redeveloped" - the games were not "re-developed", they were repackaged versions of older games, only with new puzzles. This is misleading.
 * "previous two Brain Age games" - I believe listing the titles of these games would be appropriate.
 * "but also bringing old ones from older Brain Age." - poor language, rewrite.
 * "edition which deals with kanji" - try removing unnecessary words -> edition dealing with kanji
 * "The two titles are two of several launch games for the DSiWare service." - messy language -> Both titles are launch games for the DSiWare service.
 * "As with previous Brain Age titles, this game features Professor Kawashima." - This is a random bit; the lead is supposed to summarize the article. What is important about Professor Kawashima?
 * Kawashima is essentially the designer of the games, though in the sense that he oversaw the development of the old and new puzzles.
 * "the user can take a picture of him or herself to use for his or her profile." - This seems like a DS feature instead of part of the game. What profile are you speaking about? Does the game have an online community or multiplayer feature? Also, use genderless "player", not "him or her" when writing game articles.
 * It's for the game's profile - the Brain Age titles utilize in-game profiles.

Gameplay


 * This section needs a good copy-edit. It is also needlessly large and requires condensing. In effect, the entire section needs rewriting so I am not going to go over its entirety. Here are some examples to get started:
 * "are redeveloped" - again, I believe "re-released" or "repackaged" is a better word. The game hasn't actually been completely redeveloped.
 * "retains the Brain Age Check and Training" - This statement assumes the reader has previous knowledge of the Brain Age games. Reword.
 * "In Brain Age Check, where the game uses several training puzzles to test him or her's brain age" - Poor language, again use genderless "player" -> "In Brain Age Check, the game uses several puzzles to test the player's brain level"
 * "The player is encouraged to play the Brain Age Check once a day to keep his or her brain at an ideal age." - The gameplay section should explain core gameplay mechanics, not fluff.
 * It could be rewritten to say that the games utilizes the internal clock, and that the player can do it once a day.
 * "Up to five files can be saved for each edition" - Saving the game isnt a core gameplay mechanic. So it should not be mentioned unless it is unique. In that case it goes in development.
 * "The two titles display an icon in the bottom left corner, which show the DSi's time, whether the DSi is plugged in, and how high the volume level is set at." - Again, the clock is not a core gameplay mechanic and should be left out.

Development
 * Needs be expanded.
 * "The titles were created for the purpose of allowing the player to play it wherever they are every day for a few minutes." - Needlessly wordy and confusing. The games were created to be played anywhere, anytime?
 * "Nintendo chose the most popular puzzles from Brain Ages 1 and 2 to include in the two versions." condense and reword -> "Nintendo chose popular puzzles from the previous games to include in Chotto Brain Training."

Reception
 * Needs to be expanded.
 * "due to the elimination of the need to swap cartridges" copy-edit -> "due to the elimination of cartridge swapping."
 * "They also commented that of what they've played" - Too wordy.

Conclusion:
 * The article needs a good copy-edit.
 * The article also needs to be edited for fluff.
 * Try locating information about the game from third-party sources. 1UP, Gamespy, Gamespot, Gamepro, etc. haven't reported anything on this title?
 * Not really - import titles are not covered much in English sources, and due to the nature of them being for a new download service, they're of even less interest to these sources than typical import titles. This article, even if copyedited to perfection, couldn't be GA until they were released in North America.
 * Consider merging this article with the other two Brain Age games. There might not be enough information or standalone differences to warrant a separate article. Look at the differences between Super Mario 64 and Super Mario 64 DS. The same game in theory, but both are actually quite different. Is this game different enough to warrant its own article?

Thank you for your work. I look forward to reading this article again in the future. Cheers, -- Noj r (talk) 04:28, 4 February 2009 (UTC)
 * No problem. My biggest hurdle right now is that it is yet Japan-exclusive, and I can't really write about the Literature edition due to it being so difficult to translate the pages so they make sense. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 04:43, 4 February 2009 (UTC)