Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/The Conduit

The Conduit
This is the second article I've edited with the intent to bring it to FA, but the first where I actually have a clear idea of what I'm doing. Since the game is months from release and there has been a paucity of updates of late, I thought now would be as good a time as any to make sure the article is on the right track. Just for reference, I've been following the example set by other FA articles for different sections of this article, mainly Halo: Combat Evolved for Gameplay, Halo 3 for Plot and Marketing, and Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare for Reception/Awards and the Intro, among others. I would most appreciate input on the Development section (especially the technical jargon), how the citations look, and the images in general (if they are best for what they are supposed to illustrate, and if the copyright info is adequate). -- Comandante    { Talk }  20:58, 17 August 2008 (UTC)

Review by Ashnard
Okay, here it goes: Okay, seems a decent article, although the prose is poor in parts. Consider getting an experienced copyeditor to go through it all before FAC. Obviously, the game will have to be released first. Ashnard Talk  Contribs  10:44, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Lead
 * "The Conduit was first revealed". Somewhat redundant as you can only reveal something once in this context.
 * "A publisher for the game has not yet been announced as High Voltage Software is waiting until the game is complete before signing with one" Explanation of why may not be necessary for the lead; would make the sentence flow better if it was removed.
 * "built from the ground up by" Talk literally please.
 * "High Voltage Software created the engine to make The Conduit a comparable experience to games on the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 despite the Wii's hardware limitations" Not sure about the wording. You need to specify some sort of "experience" as otherwise, suggests that the other platforms offer better experiences in general. Same in "Development".
 * "The single-player storyline" Is there some other storyline?
 * "The alien race, codenamed the Drudge, uses the eponymous Conduits, which are portal-like devices, to deploy it's forces throughout the city." Too many commas for a single sentence. Consider removing the codename info.
 * Too much plot info in the lead and suspect wording: "Making the situation more dire is that", and "Ultimately the player will unravel a startling conspiracy behind the invasion".
 * Gameplay
 * "The Conduit will utilize user customizable control features" May be best if "utilize" is replaced with "offer", since this is something determined by the player.
 * "This allows players to easily change the sensitivity of their aiming and movement to suit their play style". This is just a dumbed-down version of the last sentence with "to suit their play style" attached to the end. Needless.
 * Watch out for common redundancies: " in order to"
 * Not a fan of "allowed for", but this may be a personal thing.
 * Remember to contain consistent tense&mdash;are you talking about what it has, or what it will have? This is mixed in part.
 * "namely that the player must traverse a level from objective to objective, using weapons to fight enemies" Not sure about the wording since this would imply that objectives are locations. Anywho, this statement is applicable to genres beside an FPS.
 * "The ASE can detect hidden mines scattered throughout the level by enemies, or reveal secret features in the environment that allow the player to progress, such as uncovering hidden doors at what would otherwise be dead ends" Are you sure "or" is correct here? Watch out for awkward phrasing : "at what would otherwise be".
 * Do you realise how massive the sentence is in paragraph three?
 * "including determining when the player is vulnerable" Needs rewording as it can read as if the enemy controls the player to be vulnerable. Actually, I think you should probably split this sentence up so it's easier to read. Reword as it's awkward.
 * Write out LAN in full the first time it is used and wikilink.
 * "Multiplayer will feature up to 16 players simultaneously." Probably should stick at the end of the paragraph to prevent interruption or incorporate into another sentence as it is short.
 * Plot
 * Generally okay; just make sure it doesn't inflate into point-by-point nonsense as more info becomes available. Watch out for blurb-like statements such as this: "In the end, Mr. Ford will discover the startling truth behind the conspiracy."
 * Development
 * "built from the ground". Again.
 * "High Voltage Software began considering creating a new game for the Wii that would cater to the "hard-core" audience." Needs a source directly after to attribute the source to. Noticed this as "hardcore" isn't usually hyphenated.
 * "The game's announcement was seen as something of a surprise by many" Avoid weasel words such as "by many". Needs to be attributed to a specific group or set of people. I'd like to see a source for this.
 * "titles and titles" Avoid repetition.
 * "30 frames per second frame rate with no drops for the game" "no drops". What does this mean?
 * Not sure about second image as I don't know what the "effects" are and how this isn't offered by the first image. Caption isn't a full sentence and thus shouldn't have a full stop at the end.
 * "according to IGN." I don't feel this is necessary as this is a reliable source and begs the question of why other statements cited to this don't have the phrase.
 * Marketing
 * Having the paragraph based on the trailer is very questionable since you're just watching the trailer and writing what it shows. Whatever it shows should be written in "gameplay" or other applicable sections. The source is insufficient too, as it only shows the trailer and not the interpretations. This is original research/synthesis.
 * The same for the next paragraph; only a passing reference to E3 is required in "Development".
 * Sources
 * All sources seem reliable, although none have info on the date that they were written. Please include this.
 * ✅ -- Comandante    { Talk }  16:10, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Are you referring to everything? Ashnard  Talk  Contribs  17:46, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Yes, pretty much everything. If you have anything further to suggest or noticed that I missed something (or handled it differently from what you intended), go ahead and point it out. Thanks for taking the time to review the article by the way, I'm reassured that putting it up for peer review now wasn't premature. -- Comandante    { Talk }  17:53, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Since you're going for FAC, I think the best thing to do is let me know before it goes there and I'll try give it a pre-FAC once over. But if you want me to have a look at the reactive edits, then I'll do that. Thanks, Comandante.     Ashnard  Talk  Contribs  06:22, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
 * I'll keep you in mind for when the time comes, you've been a great help. -- Comandante    { Talk }  17:00, 21 August 2008 (UTC)

Comment by Sebquantic
It looks like Ashnard did a good job covering everything, but there's one small detail I noticed while reading it. "High Voltage Software" seems like its being referenced too often in the Development section. Especially in the first paragraph where its used 3 times in a row in some places. Once you have established it as the subject of the paragraph, the reader usually doesn't need to be told again which company you're talking about. Try mixing it up a little bit with some pronouns like "they" or "the company". Otherwise good job! --Sebquantic 21:40, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Also ✅. I tried to avoid use of the more ambiguous "they" in favor of "the developer" and "the company," and may rewrite the second Development paragraph to take out another "High Voltage Software." Thanks for your time. -- Comandante    { Talk }  22:36, 20 August 2008 (UTC)

Comment by Randomran
The article is already pretty high quality for an unreleased game. Only a few quick comments:
 * Remove the long quote in the "Quantum3 engine" and just summarize the information.
 * The lead shouldn't really introduce any new information. If there's any useful information in the lead, put it in the body of the article. The lead is strictly a summary. (If I misread and this isn't accurate, just ignore this comment.)
 * Great work so far. Although there aren't many other ways to improve this article until more information is available, and the game is actually released. Randomran (talk)
 * ✅. I cut the quote as best as I could, and did in fact ignore the second suggestion (I wrote the thing using stuff straight out of the article proper, so there shouldn't be anything new that I'm aware of in there). Thanks for your comments. -- Comandante    { Talk }  20:13, 26 August 2008 (UTC)