Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Uru: Ages Beyond Myst

Uru: Ages Beyond Myst
I'd like to get this article to FA at some point, so feedback of any kind would be welcome. -- Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 01:01, 7 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Review by Jappalang
 * Lede
 * "the game is the fourth game in the Myst series"
 * Any way to rephrase the first or second "game"?


 * "Uru takes place in the present day"
 * Would that hold true in 2020?


 * "... and allows players to customize their onscreen avatars. Players descend into an abandoned city of an ancient race known as the D'ni to explore, uncover story clues and solve puzzles."
 * The second sentence seems stilted and disconnected from the first.


 * "Cyan began development of Uru shortly after completing the Riven in 1997, leaving ..."
 * How about "started developing Uru shortly ..."? Gives it a nice "-ing -ing -ing" tone and structure.  Furthermore, does Riven require the "the" article?


 * "who announced their intention to resurrect the game once again."
 * When was the first time they announced this intention?


 * "The game was a critical and commercial disappointment for Cyan, causing the company financial troubles, yet attracted a cult following."
 * Verbage&mdash; "yet attracting" would be what you are looking for if the sentence is to be retained.
 * Suggestion: "The game was a critical and commercial disappointment for Cyan, causing the company financial troubles; nevertheless, it has attracted a cult following."


 * Gameplay
 * First paragraph feels like a loose collection of items. Can it be tightened further, constructing sentences that flow better?


 * "When starting the game, players are asked to create their own avatar."
 * I would think they have no choice if they wanted to play, right? Was the intention to mean that they are given the option to create a custom avatar?


 * "Players also receive a book to their own personal Age, Relto."
 * From past reviews of your Myst articles, I understand that the book would allow the player to travel to that Age; however, again we should consider someone that wandered into this article and never had experience with previous Myst titles. A descriptive clause could be attached to explain the role of this book (or books in general).


 * "The main objective of the game"
 * Hmmm, it just popped into my mind. Which is more correct, "main objective of the game", or "main objective in the game"?


 * "restore power to Ages"
 * Well, that came out of nowhere... perhaps this should be one of the article where the plot section starts the main text?


 * "there is no way to die"
 * Perhaps, "(player-)characters cannot die"?


 * "falling off a cliff instead warps players back to Relto."
 * Suggestion: "for example, falling off a cliff warps players back to Relto."


 * "... back to Relto. Relto serves as a hub in Uru, with a bookshelf which contains linking books to Ages players have explored as well as avatar customization and game information."
 * Try to shift the second "Relto" away from the first. The structure of the second sentence is also kind of ugly (the "with a").


 * "During the course of the game, players uncover clues about the D'ni, an ancient civilization, and the group dedicated to learning more about them, the D'ni Restoration Council. Aspects of the D'ni civilization such as social structure, marriage, and how Ages came about are also imparted."
 * How does this affect gameplay?


 * "Uru Live was designed"
 * Not introduced as the MMO component previously. Readers are expected to infer it as the component.  I am not sure if this is a good thing to do.


 * Plot
 * "archeological leaders approaching a development studio"
 * "Noun-plus-ing"


 * "D'ni Restoration Council or DRC"
 * Abbreviations should be stated on first instance of the name (Gameplay has a mention of the council).


 * "The player stumbles across a hologram of a woman, Yeesha, who tells the player the story of the D'ni and tasks the player with helping to rebuild the civilization."
 * Three "player"s, perhaps ... "The player stumbles across a hologram of a woman, Yeesha, who tells him or her the story of the D'ni and requests for help to rebuild the civilization."


 * Development
 * "Work began on Cyan's next project after the company finished 1997's Riven, the sequel to the bestselling Myst."
 * Seeing as this is a new section and the focus is on Uru. Perhaps the sentence's structure should be reversed to give a clearer focus to this section.
 * How about "In 1997, after Cyan had finished Riven, the sequel to the bestselling Myst, it started work on its next project."?


 * I spot "Uru" repetitively starting the next three sentences.


 * "announcement outlining his view of the game"
 * "Noun-plus-ing"


 * "there is not leveling and skills"
 * Typo? If not, I think a (sic) is in order.


 * "The game was designed more as a spin-off than a sequel to previous Myst games, due to the merging of contemporary items (from traffic cones to t-shirts) to the fantastic (books that transport the user to new worlds.)"
 * I think the sentence works better with the two clauses in reverse order (which also gets rid of the awkward period in the bracket at the end).


 * "'which drew 10,000 to 40,000 players. Uru was released with Uru Live delayed.’'"
 * Feels a bit disconnected...


 * "never-released Uru Live online content"
 * If it was "never-released", why was it doing in an expansion? To make it clearer, distributing it as a expansion made it a "released" product, right?


 * Audio
 * "different digital environments"
 * "various digital environments"?


 * "resonator slide guitar"
 * Since I am not musically inclined, what is this? Is it a slide guitar or resonator guitar?


 * Quotes should be cited, even if they are in the middle of a chunk of sentences attributed to the same source.


 * "Larkin's use of a group of Maasai tribesmen's chanting, who were recorded"
 * Suggestion: "Larkin's use of a group of Maasai tribesmen, whose chanting was recorded"


 * " 'Gallery Theme' "
 * Per WP:MOSTITLE, short works are enclosed with quotation marks.


 * Uru Live
 * "with each episode adding new Ages"
 * "Noun-plus-ing"


 * Reception
 * "but less uniform than previous games."
 * What does that mean?


 * "received average scores of 79% and 77% from critic aggregate web sites"
 * That is not an accurate portrayal of those site's functions. If a reader has not a good idea of what aggregate sites are doing, they might think that the sites awarded the game those scores.  It should be conveyed that those scores were derived (by sampling), not given.


 * "with GameZone calling the world"
 * "Noun-plus-ing"


 * "the addition of "instant death" by falling"
 * When did this happen? This is of note, since the gameplay has the specific example of falls to show no deaths in this game.


 * "with multiplayer being open"
 * "Noun-plus-ing"


 * "the game had already seen a beta test."
 * Suggest replacing "already seen" with "gone through".


 * "The game's poor sales"
 * Best to restate Uru as Myst IV could confuse the reader with its mention just four words before.


 * "graphic originality"
 * I think it is more common to read this as "original graphics".


 * Images
 * File:Uru screenshot.png&mdash;I thought screenshots of Ubisoft software qualifies as free images (Attribution-Ubisoft)? Does Unisoft own this game or Cyan?  If it is not free, can it be further reduced in size (currently at 178,000 pixels)?

Pretty good, but could do with some sprucing up. Jappalang (talk) 06:53, 28 December 2008 (UTC)