Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Enrico Fermi/archive1

Resolved comments from Cryptic C62

 * The phrase "Soon after his arrival" is used twice in the first three sentences. Somewhat confusing. Did he arrive twice?
 * Deleted the second one.
 * Not sure why his American citizenship, granted in 1944, is mentioned in the first paragraph. The rest of the section is presented in chronological order.
 * Moved to the correct place in chronological order. Hawkeye7 (talk) 08:22, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "Not finding Fermi in his office, Bohr went down to the cyclotron area and found Herbert L. Anderson. Bohr grabbed him by the shoulder and said: "Young man, let me explain to you about something new and exciting in physics."" Funny anecdote, but relevance to the subject is questionable. And by "questionable", I mean "nonexistent".
 * Deleted. Hawkeye7 (talk) 08:22, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "For Fermi, the news came as a profound embarrassment, as the transuranic elements that he had partly been awarded the Nobel Prize for discovering were likely to turn out to be fission products." Having jumped down to this section without reading anything else, this sentence just makes no sense whatsoever. Why is this embarrassing? Did he not believe in fission, or something...?
 * He was awarded the Nobel Prize on Physics, the highest award in the field, for the discovery of transuranic elements. But he had not discovered them. The uranium had fissioned and he had fission products. This was demonstrated by Lise Meitner and Otto Frisch. And no, Fermi didn't believe in fission at the time. (More embarassment was to come when McMillan and Seaborg were awarded the Nobel Prize for actually discovering them.) Tried to re-word this to make it clearer. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:44, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "warning President Franklin D. Roosevelt of the probability that the Nazis were planning to build an atomic bomb." First and only instance of "nazi" in this article. With no wikilink or context provided, a reader who is not already familiar with WWII will be clueless here.
 * Deleted. Hawkeye7 (talk) 08:22, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "Roosevelt was concerned enough that the S-1 Uranium Committee was assembled." Awkward jump from active to passive voice. How about: "Roosevelt was concerned enough that he assembled the S-1 Uranium Committee", or if he didn't actually do it himself, "Roosevelt was concerned enough that he ordered the assembly of the S-1 Uranium Committee".
 * Good idea. Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 08:22, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "At Teller's request, the committee awarded Columbia University $6,000 for Fermi to buy graphite. Less than a week later, Szilard had to inform the committee that the required graphite would cost $33,000. The money arrived in February 1940" So does "the money" refer to the original $6,000, or the full $33,000? Need to clarify if the Szilard's request for more cheddar was granted.
 * Yes, he got it. Added. Hawkeye7 (talk) 08:22, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "When the S-1 Uranium Committee met on 18 December 1941, the atmosphere had completely changed; because the U.S. was now at war, there was a heightened sense of urgency." Somewhat redundant, and the metaphorical use of 'atmosphere' is unencyclopedic. It is also worth clarifying that they were engaged in World War II, which is not mentioned elsewhere in this section. Try this: "When the S-1 Uranium Committee met on 18 December 1941, there was a heightened sense of urgency because the U.S. had entered World War II ."
 * Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:44, 23 August 2013 (UTC)
 * "The lab would become the Argonne National Laboratory on 1 July 1946, the first of the national laboratories established by the Manhattan Project." Broken chronology again. Rather than moving the statement, perhaps one of these alternatives would work (bolding to highlight differences): "The lab would later become the Argonne National Laboratory, the first of the national laboratories established by the Manhattan Project." or "After the war, the lab would become the Argonne National Laboratory, the first of the national laboratories established by the Manhattan Project.
 * I've move this down to the post-war section. I like to have specific dates where possible; this preserves information, and makes it easier for people to paraphrase the Wikipedia. Hawkeye7 (talk) 21:44, 23 August 2013 (UTC)

That's all for now. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 14:25, 23 August 2013 (UTC)