Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Journey (2012 video game)/archive1

Resolved comments from Hellknowz

 * Lead


 * If it's indie, shouldn't you link to indie game? Does it get called that by RS despite Sony as publisher?
 * Done, thatgamecompany is still generally considered an indie game studio. -- Pres N  21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)


 * "are not shown each others' names" - less passive voice "cannot see"; also "each other's", it's a singular pronoun and you've used "one another's" later on
 * Done. -- Pres N  21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)


 * Gameplay decription in lead is a bit confusing (I read it before Gameplay, and I haven't played it)
 * The game has additionally won several "game of the year" awards, as well as several other awards and award nominations -- "award nominations" cannot really be "won", you can be nominated for an award
 * Changed to "won several awards" and "received several other awards and nominations" -- Pres N  21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)
 * Gameplay:


 * It's probably the nature of the game, but I found it somewhat confusing as to what exactly is going on after first read, and I'm into games, so a general reader may have similar "feelings".
 * "The player can walk the figure throughout the levels" and remaining text -- would it not be simpler to use the implied variant "the player can walk throughout the levels", "The player can jump", etc. with less redundancy and less passive voice
 * Done, I didn't see any other examples of the player making the figure do x. -- Pres N  21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "The robed figure wears a trailing scarf.", but that is probably fine as it is, to emphasize it's the figure wearing it. Other example: "allows the figure to float and fly horizontally briefly when jumping", "allowing the figure to remain airborne longer", "or levitating the robed figure". — HELL KNOWZ  ▎TALK 07:33, 29 December 2012 (UTC)
 * Done. -- Pres N  18:42, 8 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "to complete a full playthrough" - as opposed to what kind of playthrough? Are there non-full playthroughs?
 * Not sure how to reword this- as opposed to playing but not finishing the game. Start to end of the game is 2-3 hours. -- Pres N  21:49, 27 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "to complete a playthrough" then may be? — HELL KNOWZ  ▎TALK 07:33, 29 December 2012 (UTC)
 * Done. -- Pres N  18:42, 8 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "after the release of Flower, the company's previous title. -> "after the release of the company's previous title Flower." simpler
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "Kellee Santiago, Thatgamecompany's previous game producer did not" -> "Kellee Santiago, Thatgamecompany's previous game producer, did not" comma on other side of whats-it-called clause
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * Thatgamecompany's previous game producer did not reprise that position, concentrating instead on her role as the company's president, and was replaced as producer by Robin Hunicke
 * Torchiest changed this sentence. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "as well as with maintaining efficient communication" - "as well as maintaining efficient communication" not sure why "with" is needed
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * Last three sentences of first Development paragraph are very personal. We don't usually get a lot of this stuff in the articles. Not sure if good or bad, but unexpected.
 * We usually don't get anything personal from the developers because a) there's usually dozens and more importantly b) they usually don't make statements like this in interviews. They had two good post-mortems for this game, which is two more than most games. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "Due to this minimalism, the game is intended to feel" the game's intent was to feel.. by using minimalism; intent cannot be caused, because it came first
 * Rewrote as intention being causal. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "wonder without explicit instructions. The story arc of the game is designed to explicitly follow" explicit twice
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "The story arc of the game is designed to explicitly follow Joseph Campbell's monomyth," -- woulf this deserve more explanation/mention, if the game is designed to follow this closely (I assume from wording)?
 * Explained a little more, but I don't think it's worth going into- a lot of things follow the monomyth, Journey just happens to explicitly try to hit all of the steps. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "be diluted by too many game elements" - by having game elements or implementing or using, but it needs a verb
 * "focus... would be diluted... by elements" - be is the verb, "too many elements" is noun object of the preposition "by". -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "such as quests or tasks" - quests is a subset of tasks, so it's redundant; may be a different example?
 * Changed to additional goals or tasks. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "In addition to Journey, the disc-based title includes Flow and Flower; creator commentaries, art, galleries, and soundtracks for all three games; minigames created by Thatgamecompany; and additional content for the PlayStation 3." i get the use of semicolons to separate different things, but that's gramatically incorrect as those are independent clauses and no latter ones no longer connect to "includes"
 * Removed the "created by" in one of the phrases, but they're all dependent clauses (no verb), and they all link to includes. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "tie in to the actions and sound effects of the player" - tie in with sound effects?
 * Like the sound made when you activate a scarf or land on something- the sound gets incorporated into the music for a bit. Moved so that it's not "sound effects of the player", though. -- Pres N  19:15, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "discarding a "huge pile" of ideas." - may be just convert quote to a simpler "many ideas" or something.
 * Done. -- Pres N 


 * "iTunes" link
 * Done. -- Pres N 


 * There are a lot of quotes altogether (esp. middle paragraph of Music), I would say a bit too many. Some of them can be easily paraphrased.
 * Paraphrased a few. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "The game at release" - "on release"?
 * "at" a point in time, but "on" a day- "at release", but "on release day". -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "the game was heavily honored" - I'm not sure adverbs can be used like that with "honored". Did the game receive many honors/awards?
 * I'm pretty sure you can say heavily honored. And yes. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * First paragraph of reception list a bunch of award titles, but some are capitalized and some are not (like last sentence).
 * Fixed, the Grammy one is the only one capitalized now, as it's the only one I'm explicitly using the full title for- most of the others I'm paraphrasing their long-winded grandiose category names. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "The music as well was praised" - "as well" is used at the end of clauses; may be it's still gram. correct, but it reads weird
 * I think it's technically correct but still stylized in a non-encyclopedic manner. Torchiest already changed it. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "becomes to the player a "pilgrimage"" -> "becomes a "pilgrimage" to the player" simpler
 * Same thing as above- I stick the prepositional phrase between the subject and the verb, which tarts up the sentence too much. Fixed. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * As usual, a lot of quotes. The reviewers are trying hard to make up elegant ways of saying simple things, so I imagine it's a pain to paraphrase. Still, I would suggest cutting down on quotes. — HELL KNOWZ  ▎TALK 09:58, 15 January 2013 (UTC)
 * Paraphrased a bunch of the short, 2-3 word quotes. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * says June 17, 2010, article 2010-06-18
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * Ref 12 and 13 have their links mixed up.
 * How on earth did I do that. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * and and  is also PlayStation Blog before Sony
 * Standardized as work=the blog and publisher=Sony. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * Are you sure you need Edge instead of just Edge ? I'm pretty sure MediaWiki handles pipes inside inner elements fine.
 * The reftools widget above the editing window does that automatically for me, though I might be running a custom version. Looks like you're right, it's unnecessary. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)


 * "of the emotional experience of playing the game" - of twice
 * Done. -- Pres N  19:53, 16 January 2013 (UTC)