Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Leonard Harrison State Park

Lead
 * Opening sentence seems overly long and clumsy. It includes “Pennsylvania” twice, “state park” twice and “in” thrice. Do we need to know the precise address in the lead? “Leonard Harrison State Park is a 585-acre (237 ha) nature reserve in Tioga County, Pennsylvania in the United States.” or similar?
 * Thanks, the problem is that there are 120 Pennsylvania state park articles (including 3 FAs - the two mentioned above, plus Presque Isle State Park) that all have the same basic lead sentence. Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 17:49, 13 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Agree with Ruhr, plus we have several state parks that do not have state park in their official name. See Nolde Forest Environmental Education Center. Dincher (talk) 20:06, 13 August 2008 (UTC)
 * To be honest I don't think that having precedent for clumsy sentences is a good argument for perpetuating them, and I urge you to change it before we start coming across remarks at FAC such as "in line with the Pennsylvania state parks system...." Ben   Mac  Dui  09:06, 15 August 2008 (UTC)

Current first sentence in Leonard Harrison State Park is:

Leonard Harrison State Park is a 585 acre Pennsylvania state park in Shippen and Delmar Townships in Tioga County, Pennsylvania in the United States.

Current first sentence in all other FA protected area articles I found are:

Banff National Park is Canada's oldest national park, established in 1885 in the Canadian Rockies.

Black Moshannon State Park is a 3394 acre Pennsylvania state park in Rush Township in Centre County, Pennsylvania in the United States.

Bryce Canyon National Park is a national park located in southwestern Utah in the United States.

Chaco Culture National Historical Park is a United States National Historical Park and a UNESCO World Heritage Site hosting the densest and most exceptional concentration of pueblos in the American Southwest.

Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve is a national monument and national preserve located in the Snake River Plain in central Idaho near Arco, Idaho.

Death Valley National Park is a mostly arid United States National Park located east of the Sierra Nevada mountain range in southern Inyo County and northern San Bernardino County in California with a small extension into southwestern Nye County and extreme southern Esmeralda County in Nevada.

Everglades National Park is a national park in the U.S. state of Florida.

Exmoor is a National Park situated on the Bristol Channel coast of south west England.

Glacier National Park is located in the U.S. state of Montana, bordering the Canadian provinces of Alberta and British Columbia.

Kaziranga National Park (কাজিৰঙা ৰাষ্ট্ৰীয় উদ্যান, Kazirônga Rastriyô Uddan, pronounced) is a national park in the Golaghat and Nagaon districts of Assam, India.

Mount Rushmore National Memorial, near Keystone, South Dakota, is a monumental granite sculpture by Gutzon Borglum, located within the United States Presidential Memorial that represents the first 150 years of the history of the United States of America with 60 ft sculptures of the heads of former United States presidents (left to right): George Washington (1732–1799), Thomas Jefferson (1743–1826), Theodore Roosevelt (1858–1919), and Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865).<

Presque Isle State Park is a 3200 acre Pennsylvania state park on an arching sandy peninsula that juts into Lake Erie, 4 mi west of the city of Erie, in Millcreek Township, Erie County, Pennsylvania, in the United States.

The "Redwood National and State Parks" (RNSP) are located in the United States, along the coast of northern California.

Shoshone National Forest (, shoh-SHOH-nee ) is the first federally protected National Forest in the United States and covers nearly 2.5 million acres (10,000 km²) in the state of Wyoming.

Worlds End State Park is a 780 acre Pennsylvania state park in Forks and Shrewsbury Townships, Sullivan County, Pennsylvania, in the United States.

Yellowstone National Park, set aside as a national park on March 1, 1872, is located mostly in the U.S. state of Wyoming, though it also extends into Montana and Idaho.

Yosemite National Park (pronounced "yo-SEM-it-ee", ) is a national park located in the eastern portions of Tuolumne, Mariposa and Madera counties in east central California, United States.

Zion National Park is a United States National Park located in the Southwestern United States, near Springdale, Utah.

Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 14:13, 15 August 2008 (UTC)


 * All 19 sentences include the country, 17 of 19 articles include a link to national park / state park / national forest / national monument, 16 of 19 include the state or province, 10 of 19 include some more localized geographic reference within the state or province (i.e. county, town, district). Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 14:52, 15 August 2008 (UTC)

"Leonard Harrison State Park is a 585 acre state park in Tioga County, Pennsylvania in the United States" may conform to the above and has only one visible "Pennsylvania" and one less "in". Ben  Mac  Dui  17:14, 15 August 2008 (UTC)


 * I removed an "in" between townships and Tioga County. I prefer to keep Pennsylvania state park and the names of the townships in the lead. Dincher (talk) 22:14, 15 August 2008 (UTC)

I had six hours on a train and decided to spend some of the time doing something constructive, so I came up with some variations that sounded a bit better to me, personally. I specifically tried to eliminate the phrase "in the United States". --​​ ​​D.B. talk • contribs 03:52, 16 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) Leonard Harrison State Park is a 585-acre (237 ha) state park in Shippen and Delmar Townships, Tioga County, in the U.S. state of Pennsylvania.
 * 2) Leonard Harrison State Park, located in Shippen and Delmar Townships, Tioga County, is a 585-acre (237 ha) state park, in the U.S. state of Pennsylvania.
 * 3) Leonard Harrison State Park is a 585-acre (237 ha) state park of the U.S. state of Pennsylvania in Shippen and Delmar Townships, Tioga County.