Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Ra.One/archive2

Resolved comments from Cryptic C62

 * "introduces a new technology that allows objects from the digital world to enter the real world using the wireless transmissions from multiple devices" It is not necessary to give such a bogus explanation for a fictional technology. Drop "using the wireless transmissions from multiple devices".
 * Removed.


 * "Shekhar Subramanium (Shahrukh Khan), who also works for the company, is given a final chance to devise a video game with a difference." It is unclear if "a video game with a difference" means "a video game which will make a difference" or "a video game which is completely different from all other video games".
 * Clarified - "Shekhar Subramanium (Shahrukh Khan), who also works for the company and has delivered a spate of commercial failures, is given a final chance to devise a video game which will actually succeed." is the correct statement. Not sure who changed that later on.


 * "Shekhar's work colleague Akashi (Tom Wu) provides the moves of the game's characters" It is unclear what "provides the moves" refers to. Did Shekhar do the motion capture acting, or did he come up with ideas for the moves?
 * Done.


 * "whilst the antagonist Ra.One is faceless and has substantially greater powers than those of G.One." Mentioning Ra.One's greater powers here is redundant, as this was discussed in the previous paragraph.
 * Done.


 * "Shekhar is a goofy Tamilian game designer working in Barron Industries" "goofy" is not an encyclopedic word. It should either be placed in quotation marks (if it came directly from a source) or replaced with a word with a more definitive meaning. Also, he works "for" Barron Industries, not "in".
 * Replaced with "comical".


 * "G.One saves Sonia just in the nick of time" This phrasing is unencyclopedic, and unlikely to be understood by non-native speakers of English.
 * Changed. The sentence has been overhauled to this :- "The train crashes into the Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus and destroys it, but G.One saves Sonia just before the crash."


 * "Shekhar often tries to impress his son about the former's coolness and bravery, though to little success." What does "the former" refer to, the father or the company? "about" is not the right word; "with" might be better.
 * Changed to "Shekhar often tries to impress his son by attempting to be modern and brave, though to little success." Other bit done.


 * "a Punjabi woman who indulges in foul language" "Indulge" is an inherently value-laden term; here it implies that foul language is a bad thing. This is an opinion, not a fact.
 * Changed to "Sonia is Shekhar's wife, a Punjabi woman who habitually uses foul language and is writing a thesis about male-centered expletives."


 * "and is writing a "thesis" about male-centered expletives." Why is "thesis" in quotation marks?
 * I have removed them, though I had put the quotes because - according to me, at least - a thesis on expletives is, well, rare.
 * A Wikipedian should never preface an argument with "according to me". We write according to what the sources tell us, not what we imagine to be the case (and, because I was curious, I searched for "expletive" on Google Scholar and found 20,000 results).


 * "Verma's mother contacted the casting director of the film through Verma's school's founder-director." The anchor text incorrectly implies that Verma is the owner or administrator of the school, when he is really just a student there.
 * Changed to "Verma, who studies in Billabong High International School, Juhu, met the film's casting director after his mother contacted the latter through the school's founder-director."


 * "Khan liked the script, and became the actor and producer in the film" This phrasing is not correct. "Khan liked the script, and decided to act in the film and serve as its producer" would be closer to the intended meaning.
 * Done.


 * I disagree with the practice of linking names to their respective IMDB entries, as occurs in the Filming section. These names should be wikilinked or not linked at all.
 * Done away with.


 * "Andy Gill and Spiro Razatos were hired as the stunts supervisor" Singular-plural disagreement. "stunts supervisor" should be "stunt supervisors".
 * Done.


 * "Sinha spent around three months for the costumes" This phrasing is not correct. "Sinha spent around three months conceptualizing the costumes" is probably closer to the intended meaning.
 * Done.


 * An aspect of the film's post-production was the use of a number of foreign technicians." It seems as though there is a missing adjective before "aspect". Perhaps "unusual"? Otherwise, this could be rephrased to "The film's post-production process employed a number of foreign technicians" or something similar.
 * Done.


 * "Principal photography also involved the filming of a number of action sequences" I don't see any reason why this paragraph should begin with "also".
 * Removed.


 * "Shekhar provides his face to the game's protagonist's face G.One" This does not make sense. Perhaps "Shekhar uses his face as a model for that of the protagonist, G.One" gives the intended meaning?
 * Done.
 * Your change did not solve the problem. The issue is the phrase "the game's protagonist's face G.One", which has no meaning. This is exactly why nominators should not strike the comments of reviewers. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:41, 9 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Fine, I've changed it to what you suggested in exactitude.


 * "To prepare for his role, Verma learnt capoeira and also did his own stunts." This phrasing implies that Verma did his own stunts in order to prepare for the role, which doesn't make sense.
 * Changed to :- "To prepare for his role, Verma learnt capoeira. He was part of filming for 1½ years, and his presence in the film was kept secret till a major part of the production was complete. Verma performed the stunts in the film on his own."


 * "He later expressed great satisfaction with his experience on the film, and on working in Mumbai." Relevance?
 * He faced an incredulous response when he first arrived on sets. You don't have the best of experiences when people think of you as weird since the beginning. Hence the statement.
 * Unnecessary detail. It should be removed.
 * Fine.


 * "The body suits worn by Khan and Rampal were designed by special effects designers Robert Kurtzman and Tim Flattery" The two uses of "design" are redundant.
 * Could you suggest how to re-phrase this? I tried "The body suits worn by Khan and Rampal were created by special effects designers Robert Kurtzman and Tim Flattery" but I wasn't very certain.
 * You could simply take the original phrasing and replace "designers" with "experts". --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:41, 9 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Fine.


 * "Since removing the suits took a good deal of time" Ambiguous. How much time?
 * Good to see somebody has asked for this detail. Much before, a certain editor had been very vociferous in keeping the detail out as it was "unnecessary" despite my explanations. Exact times added.
 * The new phrasing is equally ambiguous: "Wearing the suits required 20 minutes" Does this mean that they could only wear the suits for 20 minutes at a time? Or that it took 20 minutes to put the suit on? --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:41, 9 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Changed.


 * "Just prior to the beginning of filming, she scripted the defining dialogue of G.One: "Some superheroes wear a mask, ours will wear a heart."" It is unclear whether the quote at the end of this is a line of dialogue from the script or a description of the protagonist.
 * Its more of a tagline for the protagonist.
 * So why is it described as dialogue? If it's a tagline, call it a tagline. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:41, 9 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Done.


 * "VCD and Blu-Ray versions of the film were also released, priced at INR115 (US$2.29) and INR799 (US$15.94) respectively" I don't think it is necessary to list the initial prices of the hard copies.
 * Done away with.


 * "A few days prior to release, Khan arranged for a special screening of the film's final cut in Yash Raj Studios, where he invited close friends, his family and the film's crew. Reactions to the film were unanimously positive, with many praising the film' scale, visual effects and music." Ref s11 -- This source is very clearly a promotional piece. It hardly even seems worth it to mention this screening at all; all of the people who attended have a rather obvious bias. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:41, 9 May 2012 (UTC)
 * The screening was important since it was the first time the full cut was shown, and also because high-profile people attended. I shall remove the reactions bit.