Talk:Black Museum (Black Mirror)/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 21:20, 14 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]


Comments

  • " Nevada, America." usually just "United States" rather than "America".
  • "The episode... A horror episode" bit reptitive.
  • "ranked low by" reads odd to me, perhaps "ranked weakly by"?
  • I understand you are very careful with plot word counts so take the following as you see fit:
    • The filling station is very different, using solar charging, hence why she has so much time to visit the museum, worth noting?
    • She mentions that she is visiting her "dad", this is a cool dangling carrot....
      • First two not done, both good details but more misleads than plot points and it's tight on words. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
    • " from feeling anything" felt more wholesale than that, e.g. "from experiencing anything"
    • "he feels guilty and unpauses her on weekends to spend time with their son" I'm not quite in agreement, he unpaused her after a couple of months because he felt bad, and then they agreed the weekend thing. Difficult to syonpsise.
      • Yeah I've made room for it because it is really a factual error. "After months, he feels guilty and unpauses her. Several weeks later they agree for her to be unpaused on weekends only." Lot of time skipping in this story, a little poorly done in my opinion. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
    • I missed how Rolo got the monkey back?
      • I was confused by this too—the episode doesn't mention. My guess is that the hospital took it back when either it became illegal or it was realised that it was illegal (not clear on which it's supposed to be), and then Rolo just ran off with it. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
  • " who Rolo insists was guilty of murder, Nish reminding him of " odd run-on for me, maybe " who Rolo insists was guilty of murder but Nish reminds him of " or similar?
    • Now its own sentence, "Rolo insists he was guilty of murder but Nish reminds him of conflicting evidence." — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
  • I think if you link electric chair, you could justifiably link vegetative state.
  • "consciousness inside Clayton's" into rather than inside?
  • " then electrocuting it, creating a" creates.
  • "series one and two of Black Mirror were shown on Channel 4 in the UK, Netflix commissioned the series for 12 episodes (split into two series" a lot of "series" in there.
    • Changed the middle to "programme" but not any British English alternatives to the others that I can think of. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
  • " $40 million," use non-breaking space.
  • " and in March 2016" make a new sentence so to avoid repeating Netflix and Ch 4 in the same sentence and reduce run-ons.
  • "similar ... similar" repetitive.
  • "written by magician Penn Jillette early in his career.[6] Jillette had written " again a touch repetitive.
  • Four out of five sentences start with Jillette.
  • Letitia Wright , Douglas Hodge and Daniel Lapaine are overlinked.
  • Black Panther is mentioned three times in two sentences.
  • "appears in this episode as Dr. Peter Dawson, after appearing " repetitive.
  • "Spain and Nevada, America" see before.
  • "darker moments of the episode" no need to repeat "of the episode" (episode is already mentioned once in this sentence anyway).
  • "de Veer. De Veer " repetitive, perhaps just merge with "who".
  • Cristobal Tapia de Veer is overlinked.
  • Hate to be repetitive but "episode" is used four times in two sentences in the Analysis section and a total of 22 times in that and the Reception section. I know it's inevitably going to be used because it's an article about the episode (!) but I do wonder if mixing it up a little is possible to avoid seeing it so many times?
    • Down to 11 with a mixture of "instalment", "it" and eliding or rewording, which are hopefully all fairly natural. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
  • Consider linking "grind house" as it's not a particularly common term.
  • Tales from the Crypt is overlinked.
  • "about conjoined twins who" it's probably important to note they're separated.
  • Fifteen Million Merits, White Bear, and USS Callister are all overlinked.
  • Ref column doesn't need to be sortable.
  • Consistency on date formats in the references.
  • Ref 23 has spaced hyphen, should be en-dash.

That's all I have. From my perspective, I felt it was a good episode and I enjoyed re-watching it, so thanks again for the opportunity to do so, hopefully my comments will be of use. I'll place the article on hold for now. Cheers. The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 12:21, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. It's a very popular episode so I was a bit surprised by the critical consensus. The more I watch, the more details awry there are, but I do still enjoy it. — Bilorv (Black Lives Matter) 19:48, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
No worries. I still think the fact she says she's visiting her dad is worthy of note, but I won't let it stop me passing the article, great stuff, let me know when you get round to the next one! The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 20:53, 15 June 2020 (UTC)[reply]
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