Talk:Bobbi Kristina Brown/GA2

GA Review[edit]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: David Fuchs (talk · contribs) 16:11, 10 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

~~{{in progress}}~~ Look for comments end of this weekend. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^talk 16:11, 10 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@David Fuchs: Thank you for taking this on, David! I appreciate it. Open to feedback and will make whatever changes necessary. --Kbabej (talk) 16:31, 10 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments as follows:

General and prose:
- The lead doesn't feel like it does a good job covering the entire subject. Her engagement getting its own paragraph, no mention of her acting or performing, etc.
  - Done The lead has been updated to cover the article points better. I agree the engagement does not need its own paragraph. Acting and performing has been added in. --Kbabej (talk) 22:45, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- In general, throughout the article I kept running into sentences or transitions that caught me short. For example, our second sentence of the body in, after telling us when she was born, is Bobby Brown claiming that Whitney Houston gave birth to her, but the kid is all him. That seems fantastically unbalanced, given the history of the people involved, and also irrelevant—Brown isn't a historian, why are we privileging his opinion setting up the entire arc of his kid's life?
  - Done It does seem unbalanced. I've removed it, as it doesn't particularly add context to her life and sets him up (erroneously) as a historian. Any other suggestions on transitions? I'll review the article as a whole for those before closing out responses. -Kbabej (talk) 22:56, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  - The Hollywood Reporter listed the appearance as one of Brown's top five most memorable on-camera moments. feels like a listicle trivia mention, rather than something important (it really sounds more like something we run into with fictional subjects rather than a real person.) Looking at the source, I think the more germane thing here is that this was a pattern of being in the public sphere from a young age (appearing at X months old in interviews, appearing at the American Music Awards) and I think that's what should be drawn from the source.
    - Done I've removed the line about the Hollywood Reporter trivia but kept the source for the preceding sentence. --Kbabej (talk) 22:53, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- Through her father, Brown had six half-siblings: Landon, La'Princia, Robert "Bobby" Jr. (died 2020)—don't think mentioning death dates here is relevant (not like we're mentioning birth dates or these people really matter to the rest of the article.)
  - Done The death date of half-sibling has been removed. --Kbabej (talk) 22:46, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- Given her public profile, it seems weird there's not any more about her early life? Or any elaborating on how her early life was difficulty because of her parents' drug problems? The very end of the following section shifts back to talking about her teenage years and elaborates more, which seems like a weird way of presenting this information.
  - Done I've moved that to the appropriate section, and added information about press speculation about her weight fluctuations. --Kbabej (talk) 23:31, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- The timeline is a little wonky on relating some facts—the lawyer saying Brown and Gordon never married would make more sense later on in the context of Brown's coma and behavior there, otherwise it seems like a non sequitur and leaves the reader wondering which is true.
  - Done That's been updated so it is much clearer. --Kbabej (talk) 23:30, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- The blow-by-blow in the coma and death section probably could be tightened up. Having a bunch of pseudo paragraphs giving blow-by-blow details really isn't appropriate for an encyclopedia article being written after the fact.
  - Done Completely agreed. The coma, death, and autopsy sections have had the blow-by-blow tightened up to cover the facts without extraneous day-by-day detail. --Kbabej (talk)
Media:
- Only image is File:Bobbi Kristina Brown.JPG, looks appropriately sourced and licensed.
  - Great! --Kbabej (talk) 22:47, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
References:
- Sources used seem appropriate for the most part.
  - Great! --Kbabej (talk) 22:47, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  - The only sources I think need to be reeavaluated are the Youtube links, being used for the "notes" sections—they aren't really useful for verification purposes about the context of the recordings.
    - Done True. Removed! --Kbabej (talk) 23:30, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- Given the amount of content in the article at present, I'm not entirely sure it meets broad coverage requirements. In this context with relatively little written focusing on Brown, I think the Halperin biography might be necessary to flesh out the missing gaps in the biography.
  - Unfortunately the Halperin biography, of which I read a third, mostly focuses on Whitney's life and then Bobbi Kristina's coma and death (and associated conspiracy stories). It might get fleshed out later, but the first third didn't offer much for Bobbi Kristina's life. With the removal of the blow-by-blow in the coma, death, and autopsy sections, I think the article is much better balanced than it was before. --Kbabej (talk) 23:28, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]
- ~~Spot-check forthcoming.~~ Spot-checked statements attributed to current refs 1, 2, 9, 12, 20, 23, 30, 33, X, 39, 40, and 47.
  - Ref 12 gives planned' custody rights, not what was determined.
    - Done Replaced ref with one stating what the outcome was, not planned custody.
  - I don't think refs 14/15 are adequate for citing generalities of press coverage for her.
    - Done I've rephrased with a direct quote about the media glare from TheWrap.
  - Ref 33 doesn't authoritatively assert she called him "big brother", it's kind of taking an implication and given that shouldn't be reported as fact or quoted.
    - Done Spelling is different, but found a source that she repeatedly called him "big bruh" online. It's been added and the spelling for the quote changed.
  - Ref 38 doesn't support the "later disputed" part of the clause.
    - Done I've moved the quote for that part of the sentence. The "later disputed" is thoroughly referenced in autopsy section.

--Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^talk 20:44, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

- - - - Didn't spot additional issues with another pass, so I think article passes GA criteria now. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^talk 21:30, 29 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your work on this! Happy to hear it passed! —Kbabej (talk) 21:45, 29 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@David Fuchs: Again, thank you for taking the time to review this. I know we're all volunteers here, and so it's much appreciated. I've taken all the suggestions above and tried to smooth out the clumsiness of the prose transitions, as well as removing the play-by-play in the above-mentioned sections. Of course I'm still open to feedback and can expand/make changes as suggested. Thanks again! --Kbabej (talk) 23:37, 13 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I think it looks much better. I take your word the Halperin biography doesn't contain much of use to add, and I didn't find any additional sources I thought might be useful on a cursory search. This week or the weekend I'm going to circle back and check the referencing more thoroughly and do another pass for issues. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^talk 19:59, 16 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Sounds like a plan! Thank you! --Kbabej (talk) 22:41, 16 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.