Talk:David Schwimmer/GA1
GA Review[edit]
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Hello, I'll be conducting this article's GA review. Overall I believe the article is in good shape, but there are some -- mostly minor -- things that I would like addressed before I'm ready to promote it. Comments will be listed below in bullet-format, so feel free to reply to individual points as they are taken care of. María (habla conmigo) 19:56, 14 February 2009 (UTC)
Lead
- ...American actor and director for television and film. This bothers me for some reason. Would it work better as "actor and director of television and film"?
- Added your suggestion.
- After graduating from Northwestern University..." this is repetitive since the college was mentioned in the previous sentence. How about just "After graduation"?
- Done.
- He received work when he appeared in the television movie A Deadly Silence in 1989. "received work" goes without saying, really.
- I think I got it.
- Schwimmer made his directorial debut in the 2008 comedy Run Fatboy Run. I'm not sure "in" makes sense for directing; "with"?
- Done.
Early life
- He has an older sister Ellie (born 1965). "named Ellie".
- Done,
- in which Schwimmer attended Beverly Hills High School. "where", not "in which".
- Done.
- During his time at the school, Schwimmer admits he was an outsider. He also notes to have been a troublemaker and a bully. Nor did he fit in with the other kids. This is a bit choppy and confusing. How about something like, "Schwimmer admitted to being an outsider during his time at the school. Also a troublemaker and a bully, he did not fit in with the other kids."
- Done.
- Schwimmer enrolled in a drama class where he continued with acting, in which he appeared on stage productions at Beverly Hills High. "where he continued with acting" isn't needed here, I feel, and shouldn't it be "in" stage productions? No need to repeat the name of the high school, either.
- Done.
- Schwimmer moved to Chicago to attend Northwestern University, after he had attended a summer drama course when he was 16-years-old. I'm not sure what the latter part of the sentence means. "where he had attended a summer drama course"?
- Yeah, your suggestion is what its supposed to mean and got it.
- At Northwestern University... just "the university" works.
- Done.
- he enrolled in a theater major... "as a theater major"?
- Done.
- joining Delta Tau Delta Fraternity and Arts Alliance in addition to acting and directing. I'd delete the last bit, starting with "in addition to". He didn't join acting and directing, so it doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence.
- I think I got it.
- Following graduation, he returned to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. "Following graduation" is too close to the previous sentence's "After graduation". How about something simple like "He then returned..."?
- Done.
Career
- After graduating from Northwestern, Schwimmer moved to Los Angeles and received his first television role in A Deadly Silence in 1989. That he graduated and moved to LA was already mentioned in the previous section. I'd start this sentence simply with "Schwimmer received his first..."
- Done.
- He followed this with roles in L.A. Law in 1986, followed by the comedy-drama series The Wonder Years. "followed... followed" is repetitive. How about just "in 1986, and the comedy-drama series..."?
- Done.
- a series revolved around a group of friends in the area of Manhattan, New York City, who live together and share living expenses. TMI? "a group of friends who live together in Manhattan", perhaps?
- Done.
- He played a paleontologist working at a museum of Prehistoric History and the heartbroken hopeless romantic of the group. This makes it sound like he played two separate roles. How about, "He played a hopeless romantic paleontologist who works at a museum..."?
- Done.
- Schwimmer notes when first asked about the role of Ross he turned it down, but accepted the role afterwards. "approached" instead of "asked", maybe? Also, comma after "Ross".
- Done.
- Variety also concluded with adding that Schwimmer..." remove "with adding".
- Check.
- Band of Brothers was met with positive reception, Schwimmer's performance, however, was criticized. This needs clarification. How about, "Although Band of Brothers was met with positive reception, Schwimmer's performance was criticized."
- Check.
- Schwimmer also directed ten episodes of Friends. In discussion about directing episodes of Friends... This seems to come out of left field, and the second sentence is redundant. Perhaps a transition, like "During the lengthy run of Friends, Schwimmer directed ten of the show's episodes. He later described the directing experience as 'intellectually engaged.'" Also, should it be "engaged" or "engaging"?
- Done and he reasons with "engaged". That's what the quote says.
- Following the end of Friends, Schwimmer starred in the 2005 independent drama Duane Hopwood, in which he plays the titular character who is an alcoholic whose life is spiraling downward rapidly after a divorce and is looking to turn his life around. Very long sentence. First, make it clear that this is an independent drama film we're discussing here. Perhaps end the first sentence after "character" and begin a second one with "Hopwood is an alcoholic whose life..." etc.
- Done.
- In 2005 he voiced Melman... "Also in 2005"? Since the above film was done the same year?
- Done.
- Also in 2005... Whoops! Hrm, how about "The same year"? Trying to get creative here. :)
- Done.
- Though, Charles Spencer of The Daily Telegraph noted...' "Though" is somewhat awkward in this context. "However" would work better.
- Check.
- The film is about a man, played by Simon Pegg, who deserted his pregnant fiancée, played by Thandie Newton, on what was to be their wedding day. There has to be a better way to word this... how about, "The film stars Simon Pegg as a man who deserted his pregnant fiancée (Thandie newton) on what was to be their wedding day."
- Done.
Awards
- Is there a reason why several of these awards aren't mentioned in the text? For example, the nomination for his directorial debut might be notable enough to mention in prose, and the fact that the cast of Friends was nominated for so many SAG awards would be a good point.
- No there's no reason. I hadn't thought about it. I, however, added the nomination for his directorial debut. Do you have a suggestion for the SAG awards, I can't think of anything.
- It's not that important, I suppose, but I thought it may help illustrate the intense popularity of the show. But, you know, that may already be obvious to most readers. :) No worries if you can't work it in.
- No there's no reason. I hadn't thought about it. I, however, added the nomination for his directorial debut. Do you have a suggestion for the SAG awards, I can't think of anything.
Other than the above issues, I think the article fulfills the GA criteria. I see no issues with OR and POV, the references seem reliable and are formatted correctly. All images are properly tagged and fulfill current policy, and the article itself is certainly stable. Once the above comments have been addressed, I'll be more than happy to promote this article; until then I'll place this nomination on hold. If there are any questions or concerns, please contact me via my talk page. María (habla conmigo) 21:43, 14 February 2009 (UTC)