Talk:Nina Davuluri/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: Numerounovedant (talk · contribs) 16:30, 14 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]


I will put up the comments in the next 24 hours! NumerounovedantTalk 16:30, 14 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! -Classicfilms (talk) 18:18, 14 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Lead
  • The lead doesn't follow WP:LEAD, there is no mention of any aspect of her life other than her winning the pageant. Try adding both life before and after and make two separate paragraphs (if possible).
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 04:10, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Move all the references to the prose and leave none in the lead.
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 20:53, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Childhood and education
  • Change "Childhood and education" - "Early Life and education".
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:55, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "information" - "Information"
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:55, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "...India each summer to study Indian dance, and speaks Telugu." - awkwardly written, perhaps two different sentences?
 Done - I changed a few sentences here. -Classicfilms (talk) 02:55, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Davuluri then studied ballet, tap..." - "She then studied ballet, tap..."

(Try using pronouns in a paragraph after introducing the subject once. This goes for all the sections, as there are numerous instances of Davuluri being overused.)

 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:38, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Miss Michigan's Outstanding Teen and Miss New York
 Done
  • "Davuluri returned to the pageant world in 2012..." - is informal and tabloid like, needs rephrasing.
 Done - rewrote a few sentences here. -Classicfilms (talk) 02:38, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
 Done - I think I caught all of them, but you should double check.-Classicfilms (talk) 02:50, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "After her crowning..." - rephrase.
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:43, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Miss America

"The panel of celebrity judges for the top 15 finalists were Deidre Downs Gunn, Carla Hall, Barbara Corcoran, Amar'e Stoudemire, Lance Bass, Joshua Bell and Mario Cantone." - Are all the name required here?

 Done-I removed the list of judges.-Classicfilms (talk) 00:26, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "...the Kuchipudi and" - remove "the".
 Done - changed to " she grew up studying the classical-dance forms, Kuchipudi and Bharatanatyam."
  • "...if you are serious about it" and noting that hers was the first Bollywood dance routine at a Miss America pageant." - Better seperate them into two sentences.
 Done - changed to "She chose a Bollywood fusion dance instead because it was "so representative" of her, despite advice from others that she was "never going to win with a Bollywood talent so just go back to singing if you are serious about it." She further noted that her routine marked the first time that a Bollywood dance was performed at the Miss America pageant."
References

Fix the dead links Ref. 5, 6, 12, 27, 79, 114, 117.

 Done - I moved refs around a bit so the numbers above no longer match the original bad links. However, I went through all 115 refs. You should be able to confirm that they all work. I was also able to make all of the fixes without adding archival pages. -Classicfilms (talk) 01:01, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Impact
Note - I moved part of this section above and change the header to "Aftermath."-Classicfilms (talk) 21:17, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • The section has quite a places with cluttered references. Try merging them into one big box! First instance : "...the pageant date relative to the September 11 anniversary, and expressing anti-Indian sentiment, appeared on social media.[37][38][38][40][41][42][43]"
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:09, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
You don't have to remove references, just merge them using a
tag. (See: Kalki Koechlin "In the media" section)
Ok - but I plan to review all of the refs to see if I can trim a bit - Classicfilms (talk) 22:29, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Trim the quotes in the quoteboxes? They seem to be too long... remove the lesser informative parts?
 Done - I have trimmed all of the quote boxes - as far as I know there isn't a hard and fast rule on length but I did try to get them down. I think it should now be fine.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:53, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "She received public support..." - Change to "Davuluri" New para new noun.
 Done -- it was originally there but you had asked me below to limit the number of times I used her last name.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:53, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Ideally with a new paragraph you need to introduce the subject again, but in the same one pronouns fit better! NumerounovedantTalk 17:15, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Yes, I am quite aware of this fact in RL :-) -Classicfilms (talk) 22:29, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • The fourth paragraph of the section is not focused. It goes from one source to the other in every sentence. Again to improve the flow the references should be merged and put in the end of the sentences.
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 02:09, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
I plan to work on the entire MA section to make all of the paragraphs flow a bit better, though I will say that there isn't much difference between this paragraph and paragraph number 3. I'll try to make the two mirror each other and trim some of the quotes. -Classicfilms (talk) 22:29, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Although the Miss World (Reita Faria, 1966; Aishwarya Rai, 1994; Diana Hayden, 1997; Yukta Mookhey, 1999 and Priyanka Chopra, 2000), Miss Universe (Sushmita Sen, 1994 and Lara Dutta, 2000), and Miss Earth (Nicole Faria, 2010) pageants have had winners from India." - Are all the names required here? More importantly there is no footnote here.
 Done - removed the names and moved the sentence. It may shift again.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:53, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Honestly this section needs a lot of clean-up, not because it is badly written, but because it has so much information in it. Because of the amount of information it tends to lose focus and come out as confusing. Take into consideration all the above comments, and see what you can do to make it more concise and clear. NumerounovedantTalk 07:24, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, give me time to rearrange and rework this section - taking care of the small bits first.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:53, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
No problem, Take your time! NumerounovedantTalk 17:15, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]


Platform
  • Trim the quotation in the quote-box.
 Done--trimmed.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:31, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Merge references 32,47,87-90.
 Done - down to two references -Classicfilms (talk) 20:41, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • I do not understand the duplication of references in - "She elaborated on her platform in a Yale University talk "[85][91][92]" as one using social media as a form of activism "[85][91][92]"."
 Done-Classicfilms (talk) 20:31, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Trim the quote, "really hope[s] this dialogue creates a new positive and enlightening discussion via social media. I hope that people will understand that regardless of your different beliefs or backgrounds, we can all still communicate and respect one another in an open and honest manner. That’s not to say we have to agree with everyone’s beliefs, but I hope people will develop that fine line of respect and honesty."
 Done - trimmed.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:31, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Unnecessary piece of information? I suggest removing it but you can trim it if you think it is important.
??? Sorry, I am not sure what you are referring to here. If it is to any of the above, I have taken care of them.-Classicfilms (talk) 20:31, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Missed out here! I was referring to the last part of section -

(President Obama also met Miss Americas Laura Marie Kaeppeler (2012), Caressa Cameron (2010), and Katie Stam (2009) and President George W. Bush met Kirsten Haglund (2008) for the same cause)." See if you can remove it! NumerounovedantTalk 17:15, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I trimmed the names out but the general content and refs should stay to give a broader context to the meeting. You can see the new sentence.-Classicfilms (talk) 22:29, 22 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Speaker and Advocate
  • "She also participated in the 2015 Global Entrepreneurship Summit Youth and Women Day in Nairobi in July 2015." - Ref 107 goes better at the end of the sentence.
 Done-Classicfilms (talk)
  • "She also continues to speak on the subjects..." - "Davuluri continues..."
 Done-Classicfilms (talk)
  • "In March 2015, she spoke at Harvard and Princeton. Participating earlier in the month in the Harvard Undergraduate Council's "Side by Side" gender-equality campaign, she then spoke about diversity at Princeton." - Two separate sentences maybe?
 Done - Today's edit - more to come.-Classicfilms (talk) 16:50, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

NumerounovedantTalk 10:31, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, great, this has given me a bit of material to work on. I can review your points in a few days and will tackle them first, then I'll extend the introduction. I'll probably need about a week to work on all of this given my RL schedule. I will ping you when it is all finished. It may also be that rearranging some of the material may be all that is needed - let me see, I'll have to go through each comment one by one to see. Thanks, -Classicfilms (talk) 05:07, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]


Further Comments

@Classicfilms: Will bring up the rest up shortly! NumerounovedantTalk 14:38, 15 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Terrific work - thank you so much. Sorry about the dead links - I should have been keeping tabs on them but I've been busier these days in RL. Great suggestions over all, I will get to them probably a little later in the week. That will also give you more time to find other areas that might need work. -Classicfilms (talk) 17:48, 15 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Ok, I've set aside some time - I will begin to make some of these edits. -Classicfilms (talk) 23:34, 18 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Refs are all fixed. I will move on to creating a new intro and the rest of the fixes in a little while.-Classicfilms (talk) 01:01, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Copyediting is finished. I will get to the introduction later in the weekend.-Classicfilms (talk) 02:56, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Thank You! Great work till now, sorry I have been busy all this while, so couldn't add more comments. Will do that shortly! Good work though! NumerounovedantTalk 15:42, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
No need to say "sorry" on the Wikipedia! Even Wikipedians have a life... thank you for the tremendous feedback on this article, it has been so helpful! I have a bit of work to do in RL over the weekend so I it may take a day or two to generate a rewrite on the Lead - so take your time. And any other bits of advice or suggestions will be much appreciated. Thank you! -Classicfilms (talk) 17:35, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
It looks like I've created more work for you - I've rewritten parts of the article, added some new material and - for now at least- trimmed the LEAD down to about 2 sentences (removing the refs and quotes - I put the refs elsewhere in the article). I think I've exhausted what is out there - give me a day or two to think about how I will develop the LEAD - in the meantime, feel free to offer suggestions for the article as it stands now, if you like. I will probably check back in to work on the LEAD on Monday. -Classicfilms (talk) 20:45, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
That would be great, just incorporate all the important section of her article into the lead. I will add comment on the impact section in a short while! NumerounovedantTalk 07:05, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
No worries. Looks like it's going to be Tuesday- Weds the latest. A bit swamped in RL. Looking forward to your comments. -Classicfilms (talk) 16:37, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
@Classicfilms: I hope your edits are on track, just wanted to add that I still find the quotes boxes hugely distracting. I suggest extensive trimming and reworking their placement. I hope the copy edits are not too complicated! Let me know if you need any assistance. NumerounovedantTalk 18:34, 24 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
@Numerounovedant: A bit swamped in RL - will try to get to it later today or tomorrow - As for the quote boxes, I did trim them as you can see above. I checked WP guidelines - there isn't a set of hard and fast rules about them:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Quote_box which dictates length or number, so I'm not entirely certain what the problem is and I don't see at this juncture a reason to remove or edit them further. As for the other edits - I will rework the entire MA section a bit- trim down some of the references, trim some of the quotes and make the transitions smoother. Again - will be later. -Classicfilms (talk) 21:37, 24 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Numerounovedant: - Ok, I've set aside some time today. I will finish the clean up, though it may take awhile. I will ping you when I am finished.-Classicfilms (talk) 17:47, 25 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Okay Good Luck! NumerounovedantTalk 18:19, 25 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks! I checked - WP:GA? and could not find specific guidelines on the use of quote boxes - I think weeding down the MA section is the better direction.-Classicfilms (talk) 18:35, 25 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Not long ago I was all for quote boxes and pictorial edits in articles but I had this realisation that they do clutter the prose and make it hard for the reader and even less appealing at times. Not to say that is the case here. I think this is one of the articles which tries to talk about a lot of opinions, on one matter which I get is totally understandable to bring out the importance of the same but this really affecfs the flow of the article. I don't know if it's doable but reducing the size of the aftermath section in a way that the important parts remain unaffected will really do good to the article! But again that is a toatlly personalised opinion, you would know better because you have been working on the article longer! NumerounovedantTalk 19:05, 25 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
At this point, we need to follow WP:GA? and the guidelines for quote boxes
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Quote_box
Quote boxes are a normal and legitimate part of Wikipedia articles and thus there is no reason to remove them. I have trimmed the quotes in each as much as possible. I did rewrite much of the article and trimmed many of the internal quotes. I think you will see that the quote boxes offer a nice supplement to the body of the article. I will get to the Lead in a few moments.-Classicfilms (talk) 02:09, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

New draft is ready[edit]

@Numerounovedant: - You can read my comments above in response to all of your suggestions. I have rewritten most of the article, so you should probably plan to start over. It's been a very long day of editing so I'm checking out. I'll try to check in some time tomorrow.-Classicfilms (talk) 04:10, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Final Comments[edit]

@Classicfilms:The major aspects look good, just going through one last proof reading! NumerounovedantTalk 07:06, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Made some really minor copy-edits, and the article is in the a really good shape now. Kudos to all the work that you have put in! I am happy to declare this a pass! Great Work! NumerounovedantTalk 07:25, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
  1. It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
  2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
  3. It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects): b (focused):
  4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.
    Fair representation without bias:
  5. It is stable.
    No edit wars, etc.:
  6. It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
    a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
  7. Overall:
    Pass/Fail:
@Numerounovedant: - Thank you!! I appreciate it! -Classicfilms (talk) 11:26, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
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