User talk:EKays3838/New Sandbox

Draft Review

Hi EKays3838,

You have a very nice rough draft! It's interesting and full of information that is easy to read and understand. You do a very nice job of explaining to the reader your topic and how it fits in with Egyptian and Norse mythology. Your formatting and organization is logical and well done. Good work!

--Critiques--

Grammar:

There are several devourer entities in Egyptian mythos ((add comma)) but the most well known would be Apophis (or Apep). Apophis is the God of Darkness, Chaos, Evil and Destruction who was surprisingly enough ((remove "surprisingly enough")) , ((remove comma)) the brother of Ra. Every night ((add comma)) Ra would descend into the underworld to start the cycle for the next day. During this time ((add comma)) Apophis would attempt to devourer (( remove the "er" from "devourer")) him, thus preventing the sun from rising the next day, (( add "and")) destroying the world. In this story ((add comma)) Apophis is clearly seen as a devourer entity as he devourers the sun and ends the world. Another devourer in the Egyptian mythos is Ammit the Devourer. Ammit is different in that she does not seek to destroy the world ((add comma)) but instead is used as way to judge the dead. When people die they are brought before Osiris where there ((incorrect usage of "there". replace with "their")) life would be weighed against the feather of Ma’at ((what is the feather of Ma'at? Provide context)). Should there ((incorrect usage of "there". replace with "their")) evil actions in life outweigh their good actions ((add comma)) than ((replace "than" with "then")) Ammit would devourer ((remove the "er" from "devourer")) their heart, granting them a ‘second death’ of sorts. In this instance ((add comma)) Ammit is not an agent of evil, but punishment for the guilty dead.

Within Norse mythology, lies (( try using a different word than "lies". try "there are")) many devourers who hungered for many ((try using a different word than "many" here. You have already used it once in this sentence)) things ((add semi-colon)) from the end of all creation, to freedom from an arguably unjust punishment. On one end of the scale ((add comma)) there is Nidhogg ((what is Nidhogg's story? what did he do? add context)) who lies beneath the roots of the great ash tree Yggdrasil, who’s branches and roots touch all nine realms of creation ((what are the nine realms of creation? add context)). According to legend ((add comma)) Nidhogg gnaws at the roots of Yggdrasil and will one day chew threw ((incorrect usage of "threw". replace with "through")) them all, toppling the world tree and bring ((and "ing" to "bring")) about Ragnarok, (( replace comma with a semi-colon)) the end of everything. Once again we have a serpent figure who seeks to start the end of the world ((This sentence makes sense, but there is no further context. what do you mean by this? who is the serpent figure? Is Nidhogg the serpent figure?)). On the opposite end of the spectrum we have Hati and Skoll ((add comma)) the twin sons of Fenrir (or Fenris). When their father Fenrir was chained to a boulder, the twin wolfs (("wolfs" is not a word. replace with "wolves")) rushed out to avenge their father ((add comma)) but they too were captured. Seeing a use for them ((add comma)) the Allfather,((remove comma, it is not needed)) Odin, ((remove comma, it is not needed)) cursed them so that they would forever chase the sun and moon until Ragnarok came ((end sentence here. the sentence you have now is a run-on)) and ((remove "and")) only them (( replace "them" with "then")) could they return to the earth. In this case ((add comma)) Hati and Skoll were forced to become ‘devourers’ of the sun and moon and can only be freed at Ragnarok.

Additions you could make:

People who have no background knowledge of mythological entities might find this a little confusing. My suggestion would be to add context to those you do mention. Example: Who is Nidhogg? What is Osiris the god of? Who is Fenrir? I personally understand who you are talking about, but others might not! I would also recommend to separate the "people" you do mention into subcategories for better organization. I was intrigued by the feather of Ma'at, and would like to know more. Is there a wiki page you could link it to? If not, I would recommend going into further detail.

--Lilybean896 (talk) 21:02, 26 October 2018 (UTC)

Draft Review

Hi EKay3838,

You have a great rough draft. Easy to read and full of information. Also took the review before mine and incorporated it into the draft.

Changes to be made (maybe)

You could add images of the devourers you are writing about and could talk more on how Hati and Skoll are devourers since all you describe them doing is chase the sun and moon.

TheFoolishThought (talk) 23:41, 28 October 2018 (UTC)

Hello, EKays3838!

I find your article topic fascinating. There is a lot I don't know on the topic of mythology, and I appreciate the knowledge being provided through this article. There are some things you truly have done well in this article, and things that could be expanded upon and improved.

Things you did well:

1) Provided interesting information.

There is a lot of information to be had in this article that make it an overall pleasure to read.

2) Provided detailed information.

A lot of the information provided has depth; this is not a simple topic, and that is evident in the article, making it a fun read.

3) Diversified sentence and paragraph transitions

I don't see repetitive words or structure in this article. The diversity of sentence length, build, punctuation placement, and starting word choice make it dynamic.

Things that could be expanded upon:

1) Grammar

There are multiple areas of this article that house grammatical errors. For example, in the sentence "Apophis would attempt to devourer", the word 'devourer' should be 'devour.' More commas need to be added to your sentences in order to break them up and provide clarity to the article, as well.

2) Organization

This article is currently lacking in an introduction that generalizes the concepts presented in the body sections of the article. More information could be split into entirely new sections or subsections. For example, you could expand on different entities in their own subsections in order to make the article a bit less confusing. While I was able to grasp the general idea of what was presented, small details evaded me and decreased my ability to fully understand your article.

More sections and subsections would greatly benefit both the article and the audience reading it.

3) Inner article Links

As someone who has almost zero background knowledge of mythological topics, it was difficult to understand what was trying to be communicated. Links to specific entities would be helpful, as they would allow to me to further understand this very broad topic. For example, I have no idea who Apophis is, and there are no external or internal sources that provide insight.

I look forward to the final product! Definitely an interesting topic. Felixdevries717 (talk) 03:28, 29 October 2018 (UTC)

Marc's peer review

Hi EKays3838,

You have a pretty good draft, getting straight to the point of what a devourer is and different figures in mythology that represents a devourer. Its also really easy to understand and builds a good structure around each figure you have brought up.

Your Lead You start off with defining what a devourer is, then you go into talking about different figures that are called devourer's that then give people a better understanding of what a devourer is. You done a great job on how you structured your article so far.

Balance Each of your sections in your article are well balance giving enough information on each. But for the Norse section when you talked about Hati and Skoll, could you go into more about them being devourers. Like more about how Odin made them into devourers or more about them chasing the sun and moon. Also another way to add more to your article is going into other mythology's and talking about the devourers that exist within them.

'Neutral Content So far your article seems neutral.

Reliable source The sources are good so far and are usable. It seems you been using good amounts of your sources for the structure of your article.

Marcbluedragon (talk) 18:53, 29 October 2018 (UTC)

Draft feedback

Hi, Everett!

This is a strong expansion on the existing "Devourer" article. You're doing a particularly nice job organizing material into recognizable sections and doing significant development within those new sections. As you continue expanding/adding to this, some things to think about: --you might find that you combine your current draft introduction with the existing article material...a somewhat more robust introduction than the single sentence would be a good idea (although you may also be intentionally waiting on that until you have all the new material you plan to add fleshed out) --sources should be linked/referenced at the end of each sentence that uses material from that source rather than just grouped together at the end of the article --what other mythologies are you considering adding to this article? --are there different types/categories of devourer roles? (I'm particularly curious about some of your notes around devourers with specific evil/destructive intent and those devouring out of some kind of mercy or forced to devour...) --are there places outside of formal mythologies where devourers appear?

I look forward to seeing what else you add to this! Nicoleccc (talk) 02:28, 30 October 2018 (UTC)