Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Peter Canavan/archive2

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by Maralia 19:29, 22 January 2010 [1].

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Peter Canavan

Nominator(s): Macca7174_talk 23:57, 15 January 2010 (UTC)

• Featured article candidates/Peter Canavan/archive1
• Featured article candidates/Peter Canavan/archive2

I am nominating this for featured article because I feel it is an exhaustive study of Canavan's career, and the copy and prose have been significantly improved since the last nomination. Macca7174_talk 23:57, 15 January 2010 (UTC)

• Oppose - Sorry, but I notice quite a few significant issues.
• The first sentence isn't particularly concise or engaging; instead, it overwhelms the reader with information before they've even established who the subject is.
• He is considered one of the great players of the last twenty years by commentators such as John Haughey of the BBC.[8][9] and in 2009 - Obvious grammatical error, which is present throughout the article.
• The lead doesn't provide much biographical information.
• The final sentence of the lead took me a couple tries to understand, and while it seems a notable fact, it isn't presented well. Perhaps this could be condensed into more accessible text?
• He is married to Finola (sister of former Tyrone team-mate Ronan McGarrity[14]), and has four children, Áine, Claire, Darragh and Ruairi, and has been a Physical Education teacher in Holy Trinity College, Cookstown, throughout most of his career (Gaelic games are amateur sports). - This is rather unwieldy; I'd suggest splitting it into three individual sentences. Also, who is "Finola"?
• A spot-check through the rest of the article reveals poor formatting, an unreasonably small image in the 2005: Championship swan song section, and inconsistent sourcing. For example, "BBC Sport" is sometimes linked, sometimes italicized, and sometimes left plain in the references. Further, {{citation}} and {{cite web}} shouldn't be mixed.
• Finally, the Disciplinary problems probably shouldn't be its own section at all. It seems needlessly negative, possibly presenting WP:BLP issues. If possible, I'd like to see this info condensed into a single line or so and incorporated into another section.

–Juliancolton | ^Talk 20:34, 17 January 2010 (UTC)

• Oppose, 1a. Good work so far, but the prose is not up to FA quality. Recommend withdrawing, getting a strong independent copyedit, and then going through Peer Review for some fit and finish as preliminary steps. Example issues from a small parcel of text:
  • "Two clubs claimed to represent the parish, the established Ballygawley St. Ciaran's club and the newly-formed club, then called Errigal Ciaran Naomh Malachai." Plain punctuation problem.
  • "Players from the Errigal team were not recognised as being GAA members" What is "being" doing?
  • "Canavan registered as a member of the Killyclogher hurling club, even though he didn't play the sport, just so he would be eligible for selection for the Tyrone minors." More detail needed; this cannot pass common readers without explanation.
  • "Prior to that, he had not played legitimate club football, but had forged his way onto the Tyrone under-age teams with his performances at school level." Same comment. This lost me completely.
  • "He was the top scorer in Ulster, earning him his first All Star, at the age of 23." Plain grammar.
  • "Throughout the 1995 championship, Canavan had spearheaded Tyrone's march to the final, with round after round of massive scoring exploits." This and other sports-page sentences need toning down. WP:PEACOCK.
  • "The game was remembered as contentious for Tyrone fans" By Tyrone fans, surely?

--Andy Walsh (talk) 05:25, 19 January 2010 (UTC)

I am going to withdraw this (at least temporarily), because I am struggling to find the time to address the above issues adequately. Thanks to the contributors for their feedback.--Macca7174_talk 16:49, 21 January 2010 (UTC)

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.