Wikipedia:Peer review/Ernie Cooksey/archive1

Ernie Cooksey

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for April 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe it can reach GA status.

Thanks, --Jimbo^[online] 23:38, 14 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments from ChrisTheDude (talk · contribs)

Lead

• First sentence seems a bit garbled, with lots of run-on clauses, suggest splitting it into two, something like "....utility player. He could....."

Changed to suggested

• "Southern Premier League" - the league is not called that, use its correct name

Changed all instances to "Southern Football League Premier Division"

• Referring to a team as an "outfit" is very colloquial, use a more formal/encyclopedic term

Changed to "club"

Football career

• Same comment about the Southern League as in the lead

As above

• "at the age of 23, Iain Dowie....." could be read as meaning that Dowie was 23. I suggest "in August, at the age of 23, he made the step into professional football permanently when Iain Dowie....."

Reworded to suggested

• Don't wikilink Oldham Athletic twice within this section

Oops, I thought it was once per paragraph rather than section. Unlinked, also the case with Crawley Town and Carlisle United being linked twice in section.

• "manager's Brian Talbot's plans" - stray 's there

Deleted first occurence

• "He spent six-months" - no need for dash there

Deleted

• "Cooksey stated he'd...." => "Cooksey stated that he'd...."

Done

• "before joining Conference National side, Grays Athletic" - no need for that comma

Deleted

• Is it worth mentioning what his last game was.........?

Added couple of referenced lines about his last game. "His last ever game was for Grays Athletic at home in a Conference National match, against Exeter City on 16 February 2008. Cooksey played the full 90 minutes in the 2–0 defeat."

Personal life and illness

• "The match consisted of such former professional players" - that "such" doesn't seem to make sense in there

Deleted

• Oldham Athletic is linked twice more in this section

Unlinked

• "Cooksey was born in Bishop's Stortford" - seems very randomly placed there, although I'm not sure where would be a better place for it

Likewise, didn't know where else to put it. My reasons were that birth and death are of a similar topic

• "His partner Louise, gave birth to their daughter, Isabella-Georgia Cooksey on 27 July 2008" - don't need to restate that she was his partner, this was mentioned in the sentence before, comma after her name shouldn't be there, however to make up for it, there should be a comma after his daughter's name to close the clause

Changed to "Newlove gave birth to their daughter, Isabella-Georgia Cooksey, on 27 July 2008."

Tributes

• "Before the League Cup match between Oldham Athletic and Rochdale" - when was this?

Added date

• "The t-shirts bore both clubs crests" - missing apostrophe on "clubs"

Added

• "with all the proceeds going to Cooksey's fund" - this is the first and only mention of this fund, need to elaborate on what it is

I can only find info on his fund whilst he was still alive, as it went towards his treatment costs. However, he did not have the treatment and so I don't know what happened to the fund. I suspect it went to a charity called Factor 50, but cannot prove anything. Shall I just remove the line, but mention his treatment fund in the previous section?

If there's not much extra info available, maybe just change the existing reference to "a fund set up in Cooksey's name", or something like that..... -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 06:44, 16 April 2009 (UTC)

Reworded

• Oldham Athletic linked for the fifth time in the body of the article

Unlinked

• "England St George's Cross flag" - don't think you need both "England" and "St George's Cross", one would suffice. The two together make it look like one wikilink, plus I don't think it's grammatically correct as it stands

Deleted England

Hope all this helps! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 21:31, 15 April 2009 (UTC)

Cheers, thanks for the input. --Jimbo^[online] 23:47, 15 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments from Stu.W UK (talk · contribs)

Infobox

• Any way of filling in those question marks? If not, surely it's better blank than like that (unless this is an MOS issue that I don't know about)
  • There's no MOS issue. I chose the question marks as it shows they're unknown, leaving them blank could mean he didn't make an appearances. I've followed examples of other football GAs.

Lead

• If listing all his non-League clubs, it seems fairly arbitrary to only give the year for Crawley Town, and have it in a new sentence
  • I disagree as it was the jumping off point from when he turned professional
• The two 'then's in the second paragraph are unnecessary
  • Removed second.
• Does his goalscoring record need mentioning here? If he had been a striker then I'd see the point.
  • Removed
• Maybe merge the information about his cancer into the second paragraph, giving it more of a chronology?
  • I thought his death merited a new paragraph, rather than just another follow on to his football career.

Career

• Consider having separate sub-sections here: Maybe non-League and League? Or 'early career', 'league football', 'return to the Conference'? It would make it easier to find the relevant bit of his career you were looking for. It might also be worth merging the personal info here too- that would allow the birthplace and year to come first, the non-footballing career could be mentioned in the bit about non-league football, benefit games after the end of the Grays season para followed by information on his death.
  • Added sub-sections
• Rather than starting each paragraph with the new league season, how about doing it when he changes clubs? At several points it's a bit confusing- if I was just scanning for info on Oldham, say, I could easily think he only played one game for them.
  • I disagree, if you were scanning then the infobox would showed how many games he played
• In the following section it says he spent 6 months in Las Vegas, here it says a spell, which is much more vague.
  • Reworded
• Very little is made here of the step up three leagues from Southern League to old Second Division.
  • Reworded
• Unlink Chesham in para 3.
  • Done
• Is it necessary to keep referring to clubs by their full names? It's much easier to read Chesham and Oldham than Chesham United and Oldham Athletic.
  • Removed
• Was his suspension important enough to have a sentence here?
  • Yes
• The idea of 'dropping down' from Second Division to League Two is going to be pretty confusing for anyone who doesn't know the history of the leagues' names.
  • Reworded
• If one red was downgraded, did he actually get 7 yellows and one red or was it originally 5 yellows and 3 reds? Is the sentence about the FA downgrading necessary?
  • Reworded
• Manager should be wikilinked the first time it's mentioned (if at all), not the second.
  • Changes
• Unlink the pound sign, and unlink fuel.
  • Done
• League Two has 4 wikilinks in this section.
  • Deleted two links, there were three
• Unlink Boston United in para 6
  • Done
• Does his sending-off for Grays really merit a sentence?
  • I think so
• There should probably at least be a mention of his death in this section
  • Added in
• Consider merging the playing style in with the rest of the article- the bit about him playing as a defender at Grays should go with the paragraph about Grays.
  • Section was to show, I think it loses the value merging it in with the career section

Personal life

• The sentence about former and current professionals makes it sound like all those listed are current pros.
  • Reworded
• consider merging with career
  • I disagree, I think it would complicate the article too much. I followed the example of other football GAs

Tribute

• Great as it is!