Wikipedia:Peer review/Real Madrid C.F./archive7

Real Madrid C.F.[edit]

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want it to be a featured article as it deserves (in my opinion).

Thanks, Hadrianos1990 18:53, 27 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments from NapHit (talk · contribs)

Firstly I'd like to say this article is not up to FA standard, I think you should spend some time reading the criteria, and adjust the article accordingly, instead of prematurely nominating the article for featured status when it is miles off.

Lead

football should be changed to association football so non European based readers can differentiate between americn football and association football.
Why is Spain not linked in the lead?
change "most effective" to "most successful" also change "it holds the record as" to "They are the"
No need for references in the lead if they are referenced later on
The second paragraph doesn't fit together too well, probably because the sentences start with "In ..." try and make this part more interesting, there is also a lot of POV in there
Third and fourth paragraphs are a little bare, maybe add it more

History

"This club split in 1900 into two different clubs:" change to "It split into two clubs in 1900:
"Only three years after its foundation" - only is redundant
"Madrid FC won its first official title in the history of the club after defeating Athletic Bilbao..." change to "Madrid FC won its first title after defeating Athletic Bilbao..."
"The team won the first of four consecutive Copa del Rey titles (at that time the only statewide competition)." this seems to have just been added an does not fit in, try and work it in better
You use the same reference three or four times in this par, just leave the last instance and remove the first three
"After moving among some minor grounds, in 1912, the team settled at the ground that came to be called "Campo de O'Donnell". change to "After moving between grounds the team moved to the "Campo de O'Donnell" in 1912."
"Real Madrid had leading the first edition until the last match of the season, but a loss to Athletic Bilbao at San Mamés kept Madrid from winning the title. They had to settle for runner-up, just one point behind Barcelona." change to "Real Madrid lead the first edition until the last match, a loss to Athletic Bilbao meant they finished runners-up to Barcelona."

This is just the first two paragraphs and yet I have found numerous mistakes so I will refrain from reviewing the rest, one comment though is that you use to many first party refs, I would be tempted to use more refs from third parties and books

Crest

"The first crest of Real Madrid had a simple design. It consisted of a decorative interlacing of the three initials of the club, "MCF" for Madrid Club de Fútbol, in dark blue on a white shirt." merge into one sentence
I would merge the colours and crest into one paragraph and remove the able of sponsors it is not needed.

This is just a few pointers I might give the article a copyedit at some point, until then good luck. NapHit (talk) 16:49, 28 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]