Wikipedia:Peer review/Warhammer 40,000/archive1

Warhammer 40,000

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for November 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm looking to get some strong criticism on the way to FA. The GA review was an excellent step, giving me some feedback from a non-player and I'm looking for more info like that. Does the article flow properly? should it be longer? Should the plot/background section be longer? More images? Fewer? Thanks for the help.

Thanks, Protonk (talk) 19:33, 2 November 2008 (UTC)

A quick glance by Jappalang

You need a copy editor. A few quick notes on sentences:

• "Warhammer 40,000 is a tabletop miniature wargame in a science fantasy setting produced by Games Workshop."

Not a good sentence... I am not enamoured with "a game in a xxx setting". Furthermore, the sentence is ambiguous. It can be read as a wargame made by an unknown is set in a science fantasy world produced by Games Workshop.

• "Warhammer 40,000 [...], sharing many of the same game mechanics with periodic expansion sets."

40K shares many of the game mechanics with these periodic expansions (Note: "Andrew, please share your toys with your brothers.")?

• "The additional rules and goals are read from the main rulebook."

point of this sentence??? It seems to me the paragraph that details the scenarios is a bit scrambled in its contents...

• "In the movement phase, a player will determine which direction and how far her units will travel."

"her"? I would not accept that as a gender neutral pronoun. Use "his or her" if you must. Seeing as it appears only twice, "his or her" is acceptable.

• "if the unit could actually look past an obstruction."

Would "if the unit has an unobstructed sighting of a target." be better?

• "Victory is determined either simply by mission objectives or victory points, with points awarded for objectives and eliminated or damaged enemy units."

Suggestion: "Victory is determined based on the completion of mission objectives or by the amount of victory points accrued through completion of goals and damage inflicted on the enemy units."

Content-wise,

• Assembling and painting miniatures is interestingly enough, not a rule of 40K. The rules themselves allow for "stand-ins"; games can be played with G.I. Joe or Star Wars action figures, or even with cardboard cut-outs. Official tournies dictate the use of fully painted figures and "WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get)" and lesser tournies are less strict than the official.

The key point is presented as is, the lead gives the impression that figure collection is the key point of the game. That is not the truth. It is the wargaming (despite the fervour that surrounds attempts to match and field the "Golden Demon" figurines). Figure collection (and painting) is a vanity (that can be incredibly self-rewarding).

• The background is simply too dry. The 40K universe is indeed driven by the Imperium of Mankind. Plot-wise, it is the Imperium that is the centre of all stories; the other races serve as the villians and busybdies. The seduction of Horus and the schism between the Space Marines (loyalist and Chaos) should be in very brief detail here. As it is, the background is a ho-hum "40,000 years in the future, many races fight for domination in the Milky Way galaxy." It is not undue weight to focus the Background setting to the Horus Heresy as it is the primordial event that launches the whole "In the Grim Darkness of the Far Future, There is Only War". Just make sure it is very brief, without going into miniscule details of whos and whats that starts, goes on during, and happens after the Heresy. As a rough guide, the first two paragraphs of the Background can be doubled to handle this.
• "Unlike some wargames, Warhammer 40,000 is not played on a hex map."

Actually most tabletop wargames are played without a grid- or hex-map. Generally, it is the boardgames that come with those maps.

• Expand on Benjamin Fox's thoughts. His is a critic's opinion and an evaluation of the game. Explain how the interaction reflect a performance and why each conflict is different. This helps to establish the article as that of a product that is judged (not as one that solely explains how a game is played).
• I am not that certain the History requires quite that much details of differences between versions...
• "Warhammer 40,000 has proven very lucrative for Games Workshop."

No longer true... the company's revenues have been falling and in 2007, it was suffering losses.

• You might want to consider The Video Game Explosion by Mark J. P. Wolf — the author claims "it is widely believed" that WH and WH40K inspired WC and SC, respectively.

Just a few comments. Jappalang (talk) 06:53, 5 November 2008 (UTC)