User:Meltonmashbury

Meltonius Ceremonius Claudius Corillius Jupitus Philmillius Gottringdon Grantham Baveley Kilimanjaro Mashtatius Buryley LXVIII, Esq, Soup-Stealer of Stevenage, flag-wielder of Slyton and Basingstoke, Wand-Cruncher of Wizards, Goblin-Tamer, MBE (stylised simply as "MeltonMashbury") is a Byzantine Wikipedia editor, religious figure, TOR host, bean salesman, professional Minesweeper player, and qualified hamster importer. He is believed to reside in the cold, delapidated ceiling-rafters of Ely Cathedral and is sometimes referred to as the "humber-gumbler grumple-guts ghoul of Ely". His only weakness is mild cheddar, since it is often made in bulk and hence is cheap and awful (like your mum). The only way to kill him is to force him to consume an entire Babybel: many of his most violent opponents have taken to learning hypnoticism to force this upon him. Shortly after the death of God in 1980, Melton developed the world's first ejection seat for helicopters. He spent the rest of his infant life satiating the high demand at the time due to the Fourth War on the Moon, and became the richest living crustacean in 1992. Popular support existed in the United Kingdom for his accession to the Throne, owing partly to the Queen's annus horribilis and his mind-melting charisma and charm.

Frequently confused with the Second God-Emperor of England, Melton has a kind demeanour, a frowny face, and the cognitive ability to redesign buildings upside-down.

Melton is an enthusiastic and outspoken critic of copyright law, although some have attributed this to his love of kleptomanicism.

Melton has been outspoken about his struggles with obscenely large penis disease, which has prevented him from living a normal bipedal life. His massive knob has thwarted many a plan to plunder the cave of wonders. Melton suffers from a crippling prawn addiction, since God has cursed him and his descendants after the Original Sin. It is said in the Ancient Scrolls that "[their] Hunger shall never be satisfied, until the oceans run red with the blood of prawns, and the land is gnashed to sand by the dulling of knives."

Melton partook in the siege of Tesco after the peasant's revolt upon the increase of the price of the meal deal in 2022. In popular mythology Melton is often characterised in a similar light to Aeneas and Achilles in expressing his sheer unbridled rage on the shop floor.